BRAZIL – In a telephone interview, I admitted to an affair with sex-addicted golf legend Tiger Woods.

“Yes, I, William K. Wolfrum, had an affair with Tiger Woods,” I said. “The man is insatiable.”

CANTON, Ohio – In a surprise move by the Federal Government, every single player in the NFL has been arrested today. Charges range from possession of illegal performance enhancing drugs, sexual harassment, domestic abuse, perjury, driving while intoxicated, and an undeserved sense of self-worth.

It is with great sadness that I announce that Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a sponsor. No, it wasn't because they finally realized that golfers don't actually need electrolytes, it's far more nefarious than that. They dropped Tiger because he was doing the only thing that really required Gatorade - having sex with dozens and dozens of women not named Mrs. Woods.

I'm not one of those who see the glass as seven-eighths empty. I see it, rather, as one-eighth full. So I'm not crying in my crisp, refreshing Canadian beer over last night's 5-3 loss to the United States in Olympic hockey.

No, there is an upside: Canada won't have to face Russia or Sweden in the gold-medal game next weekend. The downside is that we will have to beat both those powerhouse teams one-on-one to get within even sniffing distance of the podium. Assuming we can first dispatch Germany tomorrow night.

The Vancouver Olympic organizing committee has gotten a lot of unfair criticism, so I hate to pile on.
But I've watched quite a few medal presentation ceremonies over the past few days, and I'm now fairly positive: that is not Canada's flag on display.
Ours is a red maple leaf on a white central square, with two red bands half as wide on either side. Its proportions are therefore 1:2.
All the flags I see raised at the medal ceremonies appear to be 2:3. And I'm making allowances for camera angles.

Taking a break from his sex addiction therapy, Tiger Woods today discussed his recent problems and announced that he will switch to Christianity as per the advice of Fox News journalist Brit Hume.

Here is a snippet from Friday’s press conference with Woods from the Match Play Championship in Florida:

It seems the moment that Barack Obama took over the Presidency of the United States, his overall message changed. “Change We Can Believe in” morphed into “Bipartisanship: Now and Forever.” Like Bill Clinton before him, the need for Republican acceptance has become a an almost fetish for Obama, with the results thus far quite predictable – the U.S. government is now radically partisan.

So a lot of people, including the President, have been talking lately about remedying the evils of college football. The chief evil that needs remedying is apparently the Bowl Championship System, which isn't enough of a "real" championship and needs to be replaced with a system of playoffs. That's a big surprise to me, because I can think of a lot of other problems with big-time college football, and instituting playoffs would probably make them worse.

Our cousins across the pond took former Prime Minister Tony Blair to task yesterday during an Iraq War Inquiry. Not to be out done, the Obama Administration has announced it is ready to do its own investigation – of the Bowl Championship Series.

From ESPN:

For the past year or so, one question has been on everyone’s mind: What does UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar think about Universal Health Care?

Finally, we have an answer – not much.

“I love Canada,” said Lesnar. “Some of the best people and best hunting in the world, but I wasn’t in the right facility.”

While the team’s are still undecided, this Super Bowl XLIV promises to be a truly spectacular event where all Americans can come together and be thankful – for the fact that Tim Tebow’s mom didn’t abort him.

From the Denver Post:

Focus on the Family will air a 30-second “life- and family-affirming” television spot, featuring University of Florida star quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam, during the coverage.

Just thinking …

Mark McGwire has come out and admitted the one thing everyone knew about him – that he took performance-enhancing drugs. Of course, as has been his wont since his retirement from baseball, McGwire did so in a cowardly and milquetoast manner.

“I was given a gift to hit home runs,” said McGwire, who is attempting to return to baseball as a hitting instructor for the St. Louis Cardinals. “I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.”

Don't mean to step on anyone's franchise (no need to lawyer up, Deadman) but I simply have to share this armchair fan's elation at tonight's orgy of televised hockey fare: four games to choose from, spread over the next seven hours -- and much of it top-notch.

Reading material! I'm talking reading material. Jeez!

I read today that sales have soared for British science popularizer John Gribbin's Get a Grip on Physics. The reason? Photos of Tiger Woods's crashed SUV showed a copy of that 2003 book on the floorboards. So Tiger wasn't distracted by the drugs or alcohol he'd imbibed, or wife Elin tossing golf clubs at his speeding vehicle. He was simply so engrossed in the book that he failed to successfully exit his driveway. That's some riveting reading!

(FINAL UPDATE: According to People Magazine, the woman taken from Tiger Wood's home in an ambulance was his mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg. Hospital spokesman Dan Yates told reporters that Holmberg, a well-known politician in Sweden, was admitted for stomach pain and is currently undergoing evaluation. He described her condition as stable. A family member also confirms that Holmberg is in stable condition and undergoing evaluation. -- WKW)