John Allen Chau

donotreply@gmail.com

PleaseRemove@gmail.com

www.donotcallregistry.gov

Overview: Persistent marketing and services professional, willing and able to connect with hard-to-get customers and stakeholders. Not afraid of rejection, I go where others don’t and others won’t. “A friend is just somebody you haven’t met before.”

Experience

Highschool Narc/Informant: January 2008-June 2009

Showed up where classmates least wanted me, learned to use phrases like “whatcha got there, Tony?  Can I see?” and “Can I party with you guys?” Quickly became avoided by most of my classmates but learned to overcome rejection and show up anyway.

Resident Assistant, Michael Cardone Hall: September 2010-June 2014

Helped to oversee living conditions for 372 Oral Roberts men seeking a virtuous life.  Used high school “narc” skills but expanded repertoire towards monitoring and reporting of “girls in the room,” and “boys in the room” and “blasphemy.” Developed ability to burst into people’s rooms, uninvited and also the use of different voices when knocking on a door to gain entry.

Process Server: June 2014-December 2014

Responsibilities including skulking about target homes and workplaces. This actually seemed a little dangerous.

Globetrotting Missionary: January 2015-November 2018

Finally, a job where I’m wanted.  I mean, who doesn’t want to hear “good news?” I look forward to saving souls and making news friends around the world and am especially excited to set foot on some of the last “untouched” pieces of Earth, where I imagine and isolated natives will greet me with wonder, awe and appreciation (if they don’t, I’ll win them over, like I always do).   

Education

Bachelor of God Degree from Oral Roberts University: 2010

Major: Jesus Minor: Idolatry; Served as commencement speaker (uninvited)