MURDER, POLITICS, AND THE END OF THE JAZZ AGE
by Michael Wolraich
Order today at Barnes & Noble / Amazon / Books-A-Million / Bookshop
MURDER, POLITICS, AND THE END OF THE JAZZ AGE by Michael Wolraich Order today at Barnes & Noble / Amazon / Books-A-Million / Bookshop |
From The Globe and Mail:
... A new study, published this week in the New England Jourinal of Medicine, has definitively identified the American armadillo as a major carrier of leprosy, a disfiguring disease caused by a bacterial infection that damages nerves.
The NEJM findings were hailed by the World Health Organization as confirmation of their earlier (disputed) claim that the American Government had succeeded in biologically "weaponizing" an animal - the armadillo.
The WHO claimed that the US identified the armadillo as an "almost ideal biological weapon," noting that it can carry "lethal as well as sub-lethal diseases" for extended periods without itself succumbing, is extremely well-adapted to the hot/dry conditions prevalent in many global war zones, and possesses an in-built tendency to head toward highways and other populated areas, thus spreading the disease.
The WHO's attention was first raised as a result of the 150 cases of leprosy diagnosed in the U.S. each year, which showed a strong incidence just outside the long-established (but officially denied) test zones for biological and chemical weapons, in Louisiana and Texas.
Armadillos have been under suspicion since the late 1960's. However, the rogue cases of leprosy tended to be quickly identified and brought under control by special medical authorities operating on the perimeter of these zones, with very few affected individuals moving into the public or international medical system for treatment.
It was only a 1977 legal case brought by then country-and-western singer, Aubrey "The Scoundrel" Scrottumly, of Bad Gulch Arizona, himself stricken by leprosy and forced to relinquish his regular appearances at the Grande Ole Opry, which first brought the issue formally before the WHO. [Scrottumly famously undermined his case during cross-examination, admitting, "I kin mostly understand why they at the Opry wouldn'ta want a fella to sing whut had been so badly badgered by an armadiller. Still, it hurts. Which is why, the salve." Scrottumly was also later rumored to have entered the real estate industry.]
Former Grand Ole Opry Performer, Aubrey "The Scoundrel" Scrottumly, c. 1977
Final confirmation of the link between the human cases of leprosy and the weaponized armadillos awaited the use of advanced DNA analysis. Through these means, scientists have been able to scrutinize samples of the mycobacterium leprae found in American armadillos, as well as some U.S. patients, effectively "fingerprinting" a particular human case to a particular, modified, armadillo.
“Our research provides clear DNA evidence that the unique strain found in these weaponized American armadillos is precisely the same as that arising in the afflicted humans,” said Stewart Crayolla, of the Globular Health Institute in Lausanne, Switzerland.
Contacted by reporters, Mr Scrottumly said, "I only ever wanted to know for sure, for 100% sure, which armadiller it was whut badgered me. Cause it's like, hung over me, haunting me, leaving question marks on my mind. I mean, it's like you wanna know... 'Who's yer Daddy?' Well. Now I know. My mind is at peace. And the salve helps."
Clarifying that they could only speak to the medical - and not political - dimensions of the issue, the Swiss scientists further noted that: “Direct contact with American armadillos is strongly discouraged, for any and all personal and cultural purposes, whether companionship, socializing, cooking, consumption, sexual gratification or furniture-related functions (such as so-called "foot-stooling," widely practiced in New Mexico and Colorado.)"
The WHO added a proviso that their warning against the weaponization of the armadillo should in no way be taken as a "negative comment or discouragement" upon the growing, commercial armadillo industry, increasing well-known for its hide production, as well as use in luxury items such as belts, footwear, and handbags.
Attachment | Size |
---|---|
Aubrey %22The Scoundrel%22 Scrottumly.jpg | 51.84 KB |
Comments
Very funny albeit flagrant abuse of the dagblog link feature
by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 7:24pm
Sooooo.... you're saying you don't like the purse? Hey, dont worry. We got some real manly ones, you know, Armadillo Murses. Interested? No?
Well... maybe I shouldn't say this, but I recently had an order for two from a (shsssh!) fellow Dagblogger. Can't remember the name but something like, Popsicleman? Does that make sense? Surely not.
Still. Two.
by quinn esq on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:13pm
And also, kinda surprised Artappraiser didn't pick up on this story. ;-)
by quinn esq on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:14pm
It's Armadillogeddon! Run away! Run away!
by acanuck on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 7:48pm
Oy, now it's a Canadian invasion. What do you run in packs now?
PS I've heard that Canadians carry leprosy
by Michael Wolraich on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:01pm
Run in packs? Always.
Though we differ on our drink of choice. Here's my present favourite:
by quinn esq on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:05pm
Drink that swill if you like. I'm saving up for a bottle of much-prized Château Larmes-de-Joie (2012 vintage). Like revenge, best served cold. And drunk from a silver goblet. Vintners are already predicting an exceptional harvest.
by acanuck on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:43pm
Gettin' ready for the Royal Wedding, dude? Feh! God Save the Queens.
by we are stardust on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:49pm
I lived in florida for a year.
I would take several walks a day.
In the dead of night I heard this clicking noise. Hardly any lights in that dog town and I would stop and the clicking would stop.
And finally I look back under a street lamp and there is an armadillo!
It had been following me for about half a mile!
Scared the shite out of me!
I do not like armadillos. Kind of like big turtles with flexible armor.
the end
by Richard Day on Thu, 04/28/2011 - 8:41pm