Monday 2/9. The MS Wall Fox Times, a joint news venture created by various prominent media organizations, has revealed that President Barack Obama is not Jesus. A probing collaboration by numerous reporters, pundits, and editorial assistants has determined that Barack Obama bears little physical resemblance to the celebrated hero of Christian faiths worldwide and cannot walk on water. The article also casts doubt on reports that he was born of immaculate conception, quoting numerous sources, including Obama's own autobiography, to show that his father was a man from Kenya.

In response to the news, the Dow plunged another 5,000,000 points to a record low of -143,991,729.13. Around the world, crestfallen supporters from Cairo to Manilla expressed feelings of severe disillusionment, and violent protests erupted in the streets of Europe. One masked protester in Athens scrawled "Obama the Betrayer" on the walls of the Acropolis. He explained to reporters, "We believed that Obama would join our anarchist revolution. Instead, he has joined the problem."

While rumors of Obama's non-divinity had been circulating in the blogosphere for weeks, no mainstream media organization was willing to touch the story until today. According to its Chief Editor, Joe the News Editor, the MS Wall Fox Times is the only large media outlet capable of covering such an incendiary story. He said that mainstream organizations had recently launched the joint venture in order to report the news that individual organizations were "too timid to cover," explaining, "There's safety in numbers."

Republicans reacted to the news with barely concealed glee. As House Minority Leader John Boehner tried to maintain an air of gravity at a hastily arranged news conference, the popular song, "na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, good bye" could be heard from his office. Outside the Senate chamber, Senator John McCain carped that his staff had been pushing the story as far back as last April but that the media had unfairly buried it.

Meanwhile, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the President was not concerned by the report and was focusing instead on running the country. Asked whether the news spelled the end of the Obama's presidency, Gibbs encouraged reporters to, "go back to your cages and take a sedative. The President has been in office for three weeks."