I'm offended.  So, naturally, that places me amongst the majority of people living in the world today.

First off, it feels good to have outed myself as one of you.  After all, the present condition of the "national dialogue" begins to make one feel rather left out when one is merely an observer of completely unrestrained outrage.  Now that I've made my position known, I feel a lot better.

The thing is, I'm not offended about all of the same stuff that offends all of you.  Of course, this isn't all that surprising given the tremendous variety of outrage percolating these days.  Sure, I could be offended about any of the typical stuff - bad words on television, violence in media, nip slips or crypto-Muslim leaders of the free world.  But that's not what's got my goat.

No, what has me bothered is closer to the very notion of being offended itself.  It's tempting here to say that it is actually the act of taking offense that offends me, but this doesn't really get at the problem.  No, I fully expect people to be offended by things.  After all, we all move around this planet with a bunch of cherished notions and precious sensibilities, so we're bound to bump up against things that rub our pet notions the wrong way from time to time.  Additionally, I'm claiming to be taking offense myself, which would create a trouble paradox were that very act the prime thorn in my paw.  In all likelihood, my head would have already exploded.  Though this has nearly happened on a number of occasions, I am happy to report that I see little danger of that outcome in this case.

It's also not the expression of offense that has me bothered.  What significance would the hallowed act of taking offense really have if it manifested only in silent suffering?  Very little, I say.  No, it is paramount that we express our outrage.  We must say it.  Impose on our friends, family and co-workers with our outrage.  Blog it.  Tweet it.  Scrawl it on poster-board with little regard for grammar or even, in some cases, syntax.  That is how we make known to the world the fact that our sensibilities have been harmed.

All of this is well and good.  The problem seems to arise when we arrive at the intersection of outrage and rights.  People, we have to get together on how we resolve the apparent conflicts between these two precious American commodities: Our outrage and our rights.

I am pleased to inform you that you have the right to be offended.  This is, in fact, one of the least abridged rights you will enjoy as an American.  You can literally be offended about anything that you like - that party your neighbors threw last week, the jerk who cut you off during the morning commute, those kids on Jersey Shore, those yoga pants that say "Juicy" on the ass, bagels served with butter instead of cream cheese, modern country music, music in general, liberals, conservatives, the way that guy from Arcade Fire gets his hair cut or even truck nuts.  The possibilities are literally endless.  So, by all means, take offense!

You also have the right to report the fact that you have been offended!  This marvelous state of affairs is brought to you by the First Amendment, but it also seems to be where the confusion is introduced.  The First Amendment is the one that, among other things, gives you the right to say stuff, including that you feel offended.  The problem is that the First Amendment also provides for other rights, like that whole freedom of (and from) religion thing and the dreaded implication that other people can say stuff about the stuff you said.  They can even quote you, so be careful!

One might be inclined to think that it is the implied rights of the U.S. Constitution that are the most opaque.  Hardly!  Enumerated rights are super tricky!  So, pay attention to these handy guidelines:

• Are you offended?  Good!  You've taken the first step toward fully enjoying your rights as an American.  Remember, you are absolutely free to be offended by anything, so use your imagination!
• Have you reported the fact that you are offended?  What?  Why not?  Don't you know that the true power of having your sensibilities harmed can only be harnessed once you have made your situation known?  Remember, there are many ways to alert your fellow citizens that you have been offended - use technology and be creative!
• Are you waiting for someone to alter their behavior based on the fact that you have expressed the fact that you have become offended, as if the very act of doing so creates some sort of imperative for them to do so?  So far so good, but are you explicitly claiming that they must comply or, worse still, referencing rights?  THIS IS WRONG.

See, it's at this last step where we seem to run into trouble.  More and more these days, people seem to keep confusing their right be offended and to loudly express that condition with the right to tell other people what they should do and how they should do it.  That's not how we do things.  No, you can't be too explicit about imposing on other people because you could get roped into a "discussion" about rights or, worse, facts.  No, the correct way to go about things is to keep proclaiming your outrage despite the rights of others.  For a helpful example of how things do not work, let's look at the recent case of Dr. Laura Sclehlsisnsigner.

Dr. Laura hosts a call in radio show that absolutely thrives on the first two principles in our three-part model.  Dr. Laura has a lot of sensibilities and people call her so that she can tell them how they are horrible people with no moral fiber and that they have offended her.  This is good!  Dr. Laura and her fans are freely participating in a patriotic display of their rights.  Some of the people who call her might even listen to what she says and do it, but this is okay because they don't have to and probably don't anyway.

Recently, Dr. Laura received a call from a nice black lady who had a question about whether some of her family and friends might be saying things that were racially offensive.  What a cautious American!  She could have jumped right into being offended, but wanted a second opinion.  Dr. Laura naturally responded by telling her that she was probably being hyper-sensitive and also nigger nigger nigger.  Dr. Laura's actions are notable here for those of you who lack the imagination for new and interesting ways to be offended.  Here, Dr. Laura was able to take offense at the mere idea that another person might be wondering about whether or not she should be offended.

Everything Dr. Laura had done up to this point was exemplary.  She was fully exercising her Americanness by being offended and making that offense known.  However, she failed to fully understand the machinery of offended sensibilities in the modern era.  Soon, it was made known that the people who pay her salary found her choice of language offensive!  It's so classic.  She really should have seen this coming.

How did this seasoned pro respond?  In the worst way possible, that's how.  She started talking about how her rights had been violated.  Oh brother.  No one talks about rights except for losers!  People don't care about rights, they care about sensibilities.  Take it from me: If you feel the need to assert your rights, you don't have any.

Talking about your rights is always a real loser.  You need to talk about how offended you are (and you know you are!).  Where is Dr. Laura now?  Well, she's out of a job and apparently out of rights, since she's talking about them.  That's nowhere to be!  She should have stayed in the game by talking about how offended she is!

Another instructive example is that of the 9/11 Mosque.  Now, we all know that the First Amendment gives Muslims the right to build a mosque on 9/11.  But that's not nearly as important as our right to be offended by them doing so!  This is why the proper way to deal with the situation is not to try to argue that the proposed project shouldn't go forward on some rational basis with facts and stuff.  Facts are just like rights in that they are no longer relevant once you have to declare them.  Boo facts!

The right way to handle the situation is to let the other side assert their rights, in which case they become meaningless, and keep talking about how offensive it is!  Statements that begin with, "Well, clearly they have the right..." are an absolute power-house in this situation because it places the opposition on the side of rights while you can claim the mantle of outrage!  This is the correct strategy and proved effective time and again, like when Al Gore's wife got stickers put on offensive albums because they're offensive even though people have a right to make them.  See - rights are for chumps and outrage wins the day!

Just remember - be offended loudly and often.  And don't bother with flimsy rights and facts because they disappear like fog in the morning sun.  Stay offended, stay loud and you'll get your way!