THE QUEST FOR THE HEDGE HOG FUNDS


Marhaut and Quinn had sojourned a full day from Camelot.  Sir Marhaut had worked 'a deal' with Merlin concerning the impertinence of Quinn. Quinn would proceed with Sir Marhaut and seek the Dragon of Warwick, slay the terrible monster, and bring back teeth for Merlin's laboratory.

Following the successful quest, Quinn would be made a knight.

How long do I ride a jack-ass whilst you sit astride your mighty steed?

Quinn, when will you never be happy with what you have?  You and I got along well for two long twelvemonths and you proved yourself more than a mere squire. That time in Dover when I broke my arm and leg and you mounted creampuff in my armor and slew Sir Hurumpf.

You let me take all the credit and to this day have never mentioned it to no one.

SILENCE

Isn't that RIGHT Quinn?

Well I might have mentioned it to Gretchen, the kitchen maid, during our.er..discussion one night of late. 

Oh Jees. The Squire and Marhaut crossed themselves quickly just in case someone took the Jees the wrong way. 

Rights, rights. We have plenty of rights. We are free to ride the fields and free to feel the wind in our faces (as long as we have our face guards up) and we ...just then Marhaut's mighty steed startled and he fell upon the field.

Out of the forest perimeter, only thirty yards away, our three favorite hedgehogs appeared, wearing party hats and singing:

Of all the ages gone and past
No more important knight appears
Than he upon a low jackass
Who proceeds without hesitation or fear

Big knights don't cry
Big knights don't cry
Cry yi yi
They don't cry
Biiiig knights doooont
cry yi
They don't cry


The hedgehogs appeared to get their melodies mixed but approached the jackass anyway.
We are seeking Quinn of the Jackass. Are you he?

I am he as you are she and we are altogether.

God how we loved the White Album, cried the lead hedgehog.

We need your help Q and this help will interrupt you're a mere day or so.

All right. But who am I addressing?

I am Thorton, of the Northern Hedge and I was morphed into this form by a sacred Witch of the West Forest. She stole my funds that were earned through of lifetime of hard labor for the Lord of the Manor at Grenwich.

So you are asking us to proceed to find and return your hedge funds?

Yes. I have a fine wife and sixteen children. We always had the hope of achieving a modest hutin the village with a two cart garage and a fine garden of fresh vegetables. Now my family has had to live as beggars, except for the oldest boys who work in a sweat shop fifteen hours a day for tuppence and bread.  We need your help.

Who pray tell, are your two associates? Q asked, plaintively.( Er maybe it was the hedgehog who inquired plaintively, I get confused.)

Oh they are just hedge hogs. They  started following me a fortnight ago.

What of my master Marhaut? He is still upon the field.

Oh, do not worry, he is just under a spell right now and will awaken upon our return and the weatherman has stated that there will be no rain and no unseemly weather in sight for the week.

Ok, proceed and I shall follow.  But what pray tell is a weatherman?

After tying Creampuff to a tree, and caring that Marhaut was all right, Q proceeded to follow Thorton into the forest.

As they moved along, Quinn began one of his regular rants:

Seriously, this stage'll pass, and the whole show here will see lots of new people coming in, new debates. Obama's still honeymooning, nobody's had any time to see whether his new proposals will work, the GOP's in disarray, etc.

My guess is that his proposals won't/can't do as much as we & the economy are gonna need. If that happens, we're gonna see the Republicans gunning for him... many Dems wanting to rally behind the flag... lots of people proposing new stuff, outside the bounds of the existing debate, but nobody clear on whether they support Obama & the Dems or not.

I figger the sheer confusion should be interesting, as well as producing lots of opportunities for creative name-calling. I've already got "Wobblie-Palinite," "Dodd-Trot" and "Britney-Hillary-Fascist" trademarked & ready to go.

What? cried Thorton.

Oh, never mind, that is another quest. Replied Q.

Meanwhile Renaye, the Wicked Witch of the West Forest or WWWF, for short,(which should not be confused with the WWF, which I think is shown from time to time on the Sci Fi Network and which proves that all wrestling is fake)  began playing with the hedgehog funds, put them thusly and thencely, and whencely.   All without a care for spelling.  Not that Renaye was not good at spells, just spelling. And she enjoyed causing hurt to many good peasants and pheasants for that matter. For she did not care whom she hurt, troubled or slandered. Renaye did other bad kinds of things all the time. Sometimes she had been labeled a Spric. Spric and Span some used to call her.  And she cared not a whit who did not like her.  For she had lost her maidenhood many twelvemonths ago to a giant hedgehog whilst she was bathing in the local spa and after that she gave up all things that were male or manlike and dedicated her rotten filthy life to creating evil in the world so that everyone would feel terrible all the time.  That was when she became Chairperson of the Republican National Committee, but alas, that is another story.

Our riders, well really, our rider on the jackass and Thorton who preferred to walk due to his current anatomical condition, came upon the great pyramid in the middle of the Forest of the West.

This is where WWWF resides, said Thorton, salivating.  He normally did not salivate that much but since he became a hedgehog, the salivating thing just became worse and worse over time.

Whats WWWF Thorton?

Look, WE GOT TO GET MY HEDGE FUNDS AND YOU GET TEN PERCENT.

Ok, ok ok. No reason to get excited. But we need to get you morphed back to being in human form again because a hedgehog proceeds too slowly to properly follow.

Look, there is the statue of the Great Dog!!! Thorton exclaimed while salivating.

What is that doing way out here, or in here?

I will speak about it later but it has something to do with Orion and Leo.  Suffice it to say that there is a tunnel to the pyramid from the dog.  Follow and shut the hell up!!!

The crew of four, one man and three hedgehogs, proceeded to the Great Dog and Thorton found the secret door to the tunnel.  They then proceeded through the tunnel, staving off lunch for a time, and reached the underside of the pyramid.

My Lord and Savior it stinks in here. Q noted as he crossed himself. Thorton even crossed himself at that one.

It is the defective plumbing. The WWWF has been earning all this money and not providing anything by way of infrastructure. Thorton noted.

The quartet climbed the ladder leading up to the dining room where Renaye the Spric was dining with her wart faced friends.  And that was no easy feat for hedgehogs, let me tell you. Of course I am the one telling you----oh never mind.

The four popped out of the opening into the dining room and Q pulled out his trusty sword, the metal one, and called out to the hag:

You will restore my friend Thorton to his former appearance or I will cut your ugly head off!!!

Sexist pigs, replied Renaye. You think you can just come in here and threaten me. Well I have something special for you.

Q, sensing that something was awry, swath his sword, the metal one, across Renaye's ugly wart infested head, cutting it asunder.  Which means the bitch was headless.

(Sorry for the language but I am attempting to set a tone here)

And all of a sudden, Thorton was morphed into a carpenter again with a saw and a plumb and the other two hedgehogs became beautiful damsels and the wart faced tramps who had just dropped over for a quick bite and a couple of sips of Irish Whiskey morphed into little mice and scurried away.

Nice to meet ya, Q said with a flair to the damsels.

Thorton exclaimed, I think we should finish the fine feast put before us and...er...stay the night.

The two maidens tittered.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR TWO HEROES TT & LL

If I see one more nunnery I am going to fall on my knees and ask the Good Lord to take me into His Kingdom immediately, Lancelot sighed.

That is the last one, LL. We have gathered some three hundred ounces of gold. And now we proceed to Camelot triumphant from our quest of the Taxing Nunneries.

And lest we not forget the 75 undergarments. Why do you think they gave us so many undergarments. It was like we had been to visit them before? asked LL.

Uh, I would not have the faintest idea, Tristan said rolling his eyes and blushing from past memories.  Tristan noticed a slight itch, down there if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge but we will discuss the pox later.

But, Tristan continued, we must stop and get our hooves shaven and our horses well equipped at the Villiage of Exxon before returning to Camelot.  It is on the way and I need a good shiningand some garb replaced. Besides there is a store there that has the greatest coffee and donuts in the realm.

Why now TT?  I miss Gwen..er..going to the Room of the Roundish Table and eating from Kay's kitchen.  Lancelot had become so sick of dried deer butt and the cooking at the nunneries was horrid. All those girls ever do is eat vegetables and pray all day. Its so unnatural.

Because we can pay for this new equipment out of our tax proceeds.  I am not going to be out of pocket on every damnable quest. And if we pay for these things before arriving at Camelot, Blaise and Bedivere can say nothing, especially if we have receipts. And my dear Uncle Ban said that due to the current economic downturn, my allowance must be cut by 45% and I have personal expenses.

As the two proceeded through a glen only a few miles from Exxon, they came upon a rivlet and behold, there stood a creature eight feet tall almost as ugly as Beau Manes appeared within a few paces followed by several men dressed in green duds. (Duds are like clothes, not male movie actors)

Who art thou and what is thy purposed. The giant asked.

We are two knights from Camelot, Tristan and Lancelot du Lac.

Tell me, doest thou capitalize du?

No, but I cannot tell you why, because neither of us knows for sure. But tell us, who art thou and who accompanies you oer this river?

I am Little Johnson of the Glen and these are my faithful followers. No one crosses this stream without confronting Little Johnson.

Tristan looked at Lancelot and said: Go to it LL, it is your turn.

My turn? I had to handle the Ogre at Orly.

That was France, it does not count. Besides, I took on the Table of the Abyss!

Oh all right, said Lancelot. Goddamn Welsh, he thought to himself (performing the sign of the cross because Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ hears all thoughts.  Of course, Lancelot was thinking to himself because that is the only way one thinks, unless, of course one is thinking out loud)

Ok, Little Johnson. You are the ugliest man I hath ever seen and methinks your feet stink. Lancelot said this after dismounting his horse and as he stood on the other side of the stream facing the monster.

Yeah said Little Johnson. Well you shite your pants in your sleep and you never make your bed after you arise. 

Lancelot felt that slam from SJ as if it were an arrow from a Harpie in his shin. He bent over and almost fell onto the ground.  But just then, as if he were filled by the Holy Spirit with a new energy, LL stood and cried.

Well, I heard that your mother cried for three weeks after your birth because you were the ugliest thing she had ever seen and immediately joined Planned Parenthood.

How did you find out about that?

Little Johnson looked back at his friends and they all nodded.

Ok, thouest wins.

We shall let you cross here in peace.

Oh good said Lancelot. We like peace. We are on our way to Exxon to refurbish and refit.

We are on our way to Exxon also. May we join you in the travel?

Why of course  Little Johnson, you are most welcome.

As the two heroes and their new friends entered Exxon for some refitting, so to speak, they noticed pavilions in the background.