THE TRIAL OF KAY

Proceed with jury selection counselor, said the King.

You are Sir Lagamor of Caerleon? Asked Bedivere, chief prosecutor.

Yes, Sir.

Do you know Sir Kay, the defendant in this matter?

I know of him.  That is, ten years ago I challenged him at the lists.

What was the result of the challenge?

He knocked me on my arse.

At this, the entire courtroom broke out in laughter, including the King.

You are a witness, Bedivere said as he sat at the King's Bench.

How are you today Sir Lagamor? Inquired Tristan.  Tristan had been chosen defense attorney by the King because of Tristan's reputation as a man of God and because he was from the Court of King Mark and would incur no political problems for his representation of Kay.

I am not too bad, but I have a little trouble sitting for long periods of time, shooting a stare at Kay.

More laughter from the crowd.

I think that Sir Lagamor should be excused because we are looking for a jury of Sir Kay's peers.

Sire, Sir Lagamor fulfills all the requirements here, Sir Bedivere argued.  He has known the defendant for over ten years, he is a member of the knighthood and he recognizes our King as chief judge of the realm.

Sire, what Sir Bedivere said is the truth as always.  But Sir Lagamor may know Sir Kay, he does not know him well enough to come to a satisfactory conclusion concerning the issues before this court, countered Sir Tristan.

The King surveyed the crowd and looking at the witness signaled with a 'thumbs up'.  Move on said Arthur, and take your seat Sir Lagamor with the rest of the jury panel.

In those days of old, the Statute of Liberty was the book to be consulted in such matters.  Unlike today where the general rule is that a potential juror should have no personal knowledge of the defendant, the attorneys or the facts underlying the criminal charges, in these more sacred days,one could not serve as a juror unless one already knew the defendant, was a member of defendant's class and had some knowledge of the facts leading to the charges being brought against the defendant.  A much more civil type of model for justice.

Of course it was not necessarily what was written in the Statute as it what the presiding King thought or wished was written in the Statute.  Kind of like justice in Georgia or South Carolina in the twentieth century.

All seven jurors had been seated that day.  Eventually, they all would have to find Sir Kay innocent beyond a reasonable doubt, unanimously.

Court was dismissed for the day with closing arguments to be made the next morning.

Meanwhile our two heroes, Sir Palidan and Sir Lancelot were making their way east from Joyous Gard.

They had been traveling since noon and the shadows were becoming long as they made their way toward the village of Stillwater, a nice little settlement on the River Kettle.  

I just am too damn sore, thanks to you, to sleep under the stars tonight, LL, offered Sir Palidan.

PD, that is just fine with me. And my arse is not any less sore than yours, laughed LL.

They tied their horses up next to the Boar's Inn. Senor Eduardo demanded a beer and Sir Palidan promised to be right out with a bucket.  Senor Eduardo did not like drinking out of the bottle.

The two knights approached the barkeep, a young man in his late teens with terrible acne and horrible breath.  The normal model for a prom date.

The lad smiled and said, What can I get you gents?

We would like two pitchers of ale and a bucket for my horse.

The tiny inn had three round tables and the bar.  There were three dwarves at the far corner table, grunting as usual. But there were two fine lasses at the next table, sipping on wine and munching on apple slices.

Sir Palidan said he would be right back and proceeded to bring the bucket half full of ale to Senor Eduardo.  Now you can sip on this for awhile Eduardo, but if Lancelot's mare starts looking good to you, that means you have had enough.

Eduardo neighed as he always did and started slurping.

Sir Palidan returned and Lancelot had not only ordered dinner and room, but was conversing with the young lassies.  This is Palidan, a pal of mine, ladies.  

The night wore on, fine dinner for a hick town and the ale was very good.  The four retired to the room for more festivities, so to speak.  

After both knights were asleep with their respective 'dates' a light shown into the room.  The dates rose magically, drifting out the window.  The motion woke Palidan up and he watched the ladies as they flew out the window. He attempted to wake Lancelot, but the knight was out for the night, as it were.

Palidan climbed out the window and mounted Senor Eduardo and proceeded in the direction in which the ladies were floating. What are you doing? Asked the horse.

We are on a brief quest for truth, justice and the Roman Celtic Way.

Neighhhhhhhhhhh. Responded Eduardo. But you are a Boorish Moor. Neighhhhhhhhhhh.

Ha, said Sir Palidan and he broke his friend into a gallop.  Outside the village and across its river,was a mesa of sorts.  A plateau at the top of a hill which had to be anything but a natural formation.  He dismounted at the bottom of the hill and he and Eduardo proceeded to climb the mesa.

At the top and behind a big old oak, the two watched as the 'dates' floated around and around the center of the Plateau.  There were three fairies watching the show.  They had wings and did not work on lady's hairdos.

Just at the moment when the ladies passed each other over the fairies, four horses appeared in the eastern sky and pulled a carriage behind them.  The horses landed on the mesa right next to the fairies.  Out of the carriage came Morgana, the evil half-sister of King Arthur who wore a white robe made of saffron.

The 'dates' alighted just then and knelt in front of Morgana.

Lancelot has escaped from my prison and has been having just a good old knightly time traveling as he desires and winning awards in competition.  And as time goes on he becomes handsomer and us women just become older.  

What hath you learned of the man I have been stalking lo these years?

The dates explained:

Lancelot is with the Moor and they are proceeding to Camelot.  The Moor is called Palidan and he has the largest.........(we excise this portion of our dialogue for prurient interest, we figure that your interest will become more prurient with less of an explanation)

Return to the knights and sprinkle this magic tinkle on their members.

Palidan mounted his steed and sped to the inn. He climbed back up to the second story window and woke Lancelot.  And they got on their horses and got out of town without even alerting the innkeeper.

After the sun had risen and things had settled down, Palidan explained the plot of the evil Morgana.

They were going to sprinkle what on our widgets?

Palidan responded, Remember LL when that French Lady who smiled all the time approached you at the going away party for your Uncle Bors and you were laid up for a fortnight and force fed mushrooms by Merlin until you were strong enough to stand and pee at the same time?

Oh. OOOOOOOOh. Lancelot had just experienced another epiphany.

The two knights crossed themselves and proceeded toward the rising sun.

Meanwhile, back at the trial....

Gentlemen of the Jury, Sir Kay clearly is guilty of all the charges I have brought against him.  Why else would I bring them in the first place?  And look at him.  Cannot you tell he is guilty by just looking at him.  And do you really trust men who dress in women's clothes.

Sir Bedivere was referring to the chef's outfits that Kay would array himself in during the trial.
Kay also liked to put on some paint, on his face and explain that it was put on to deal with the kitchen grease.

The jury scowled at Kay.  Kay pursed his lips and threw them all a kiss.

Tristan stood to give his version.  You all know me as the knight from Cornwall.  But I have lived among you for some time now, and I have come to understand a certain culture here.  Camelot is a dream.  A dream of better things to come.  A dream of justice.  A dream of equality for those who are better than peasants.  A dream of might used for right.  A dream of....

As Tristan droned on the jury fell asleep.  Which is what his original plan was anyway.

After everyone was awakened (why is it not awoken, I always get the past pluperfect mixed up with the present imperfect and my editor quit because I no longer pay her.  Actually I never paid her, but that is another sad story) there was a break for lunch.

After their return Snerf was the first witness with his monkey Macaca.  Remember, Palidan was away so there was no one who would be upset over the word Macaca.  

And Snerf, would you tell us exactly what facts you have that are directly relevant to the proceedings.

None. Absolutely nothing.

You are a witness, Sir Bedivere noted.

What about your monkey, Snerf.  Surely your monkey knows some facts that are relevant to these proceedings.

My monkey knows nothing and do not call me Shirley.

You are a witness.

In these olden days, witnesses were not allowed to testify if they had any real idea as to the facts relating to the original charges.  There were reasons for this.

First, this methodology cut down on bearing false witness.  So there were fewer perjury charges.

Second, the jury would be less prone to be led astray by facts that might have some bearing on the proceedings.

Third, it cut down on court time.

The King went ahead and charged the jury with instructions.

You are to put away all your prejudices and proceed to come to a fair verdict.  If you come back with an unfair verdict, I will put all of you in the dungeon.

Put all your bribes behind you.  Do not consider them in your deliberations but make sure to declare them on your income taxes or the IRS will be on your arses like a swarm of mosquitos on a pile of cow pies.

Now you can take into consideration the fact that the defendant is my half brother.  If he were my full brother, we would not be having these proceedings in the first place.

And make sure that you return with a unanimous verdict.  Thank you for your attention in this matter.

SO BE IT