Ferris was not your normal pirate, even in 80 BC. (Oh and not to piss off anyone at the onset of this masterpiece, but its BC. Before Christ--blesses himself. This BCE stuff is crap. Before the Common Era. Come on give me a fricken break!!)

Ferris Bulbas had an eye patch of course. But it was all a ruse.

Remember, Pirates two millennia ago ( and last week for that matter)  make their money through ransom when they are not dealing with stolen goods and money laundering. And Ferris used his ruse to size up his prey once he had one of them in his clutches.  By the third 'interview' with the kidnapped (As RLS used to say) he would move his patch to the other eye. Ha. The dummies usually made no note of it. But it just seemed to cause them an uneasiness.  Which was the plan after all.

And one has to have decent depth perception to enjoy a profitable enterprise on the high seas.  So two eyes are a must.

Ferris hated parrots. When he was a lad working in the standard navy of the Republic, a parrot in Northern Africa took after him and bit his scrotum with no remorse whatsoever. And he never forgot it. After awhile he would seek out the most colorful of the little bastards and skewer them. Kind of tasted like chicken.

And speaking of chickens, he always carried one on his right shoulder. It was a hen that he called Bwak.  And Bwak was a rather loyal pet. She would only make noise on cue and would always deliver his breakfast in the AM.  Two fine eggs of the finest caliber. Never three. And that is why Ferris always had seeds in his pockets.

The catch of the day was this effeminate prima donna given to him by a praeter in the Roman Navy who had been called to quell a mess in the Northern Mediterranean. Sulla had had the kid detained for playing it too closely with Marcus, but the orders had been specific. Scare the little faggot but do not harm on hair on his egotistical head.

Get that faggot up here this minute Punjab. PUNJAB, you son of a bitch, get off that little Moor kid right now and get me the faggot!!

The ugly dwarf immediately pulled himself off his most recent loved one and stood to attention. After saluting, Punjab ran down into the hold.

Punjab was Bulbas' First Mate. Always dependable and full of the skittle floating through his ruffian crew. Never exactly trust a pirate. I mean free enterprise ruled in those days. EVERYBODY WAS IN IT FOR HIMSELF.  But Bulbas knew all this. There was this honor among thieves. If everyone felt they were getting their share, everything worked just fine. So Bulbas had become an egalitarian in a manner. Not like those Wall Street bastards.

The Prima Donna arose out of the hold with his three 'aides'.  Ferris had kind of worked out a deal with the Roman teen. He received the services of BC in exchange for leaving the aristocratic train alone. Oh, and those soft sponges.  Where the hell did you find those things anyway.  No more acting like a bear in the woods for him.

What! What! What is this then! Unless it is time for battle, I need my beauty sleep you sack of shite exclaimed The Caesar.

THIS IS MY FRICKIN SHIP YOU FAGGOT BASTARD AND YOU WILL TREAT ME WITH RESPECT!! Ferris would oftimes respond in capital letters.

Did anyone ever tell you that your nose looks like an African anteater who has been ravaged by an angry snapper? Ha. What is it that you wish of your emperor, Mr. Bulbas?

Emperor? Emperor my arse!!! My comfortable arse thanks to your BC. Thank you very much. The highest point you will ever reach in this miserable life will be when you find yourself on a stool giving some local king a bj as he sits on his high wooden throne. Ha

Well my great leader, The Caesar responded. How can I be of service to the great pilot of a scowl fit for rabid rats?

Well, Julio, we are under the impression that your beautiful head might bring us as much as 20 beautiful gold pieces, the kind that contain none of that poisonous lead.  And we need some 'leads' so to speak. We need names and addresses of proposed charities that might be interested in saving your sorry arse!!!

Ack! Ack! Bwak exclaimed in her usual interjecting manner. The hen flew right over to the would be emperor's head and pecked his pate patently.

Damn bird.  What is it that all you scum enjoy birds, anyway?   And what in Hades is this all about twnty pieces of gold. I WILL NOT TAKE ANYTHING LESS THAN FIFTY.  For the gods' sakes (blessing himself), do you not realize what you have here?  Oh forget the supplications, I shall order the money myself. Bring your scrivener here this second!

Scriveners! Ferris Bulbas looked around at his crew and a mighty roar of laughter shook the ship. What do you think?  That you are in the midst of a steno pool?  What a fool. Punjab get me quill and parchment in my quarters!!

The dwarf shortly appeared with quill and parchment. A chair was brought to the Great One and he sat and composed his letter of introduction.

Dear Uncle Julius:

The days are getting longer and it seems, my days on this earth shorter.

Mumsy sends her best.

I have been absconded by the lowest of the low and sit currently on a scowl in the northern Mediterranean about a hundred leagues from the island of Tasker.  I should need a hundred pieces of gold. Fifty for my captors and fifty to get me on my feet.

And as Governor of Asia, Dear Uncle, could you prevail upon Sulla to accept me back into the lot. If I am to be a member of the ruling aristocracy, I must get back to the life to which I have become accustomed.

Most truly yours,

As Always,

Julius Gaius Caesar

I would greatly appreciate a proper seal on this important document, as he folded the parchment carefully. Bwak, the chicken flew to the candle at hand, stomped her little feet and danced on the folded manuscript.

Ferris moored that night. The ransom request was sent by currier onto a Roman Ship of War headed for the TurkishCoast and that was that for awhile. 

Ale was ordered on to the ship in this temporary safe harbor.  As part of the entertainment, Julio and the Lowmen performed:

Gold Pieces for Ransom

I want my Ransom Now

Now look at that Julio-- that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the Open Sea
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe have cut off your little finger
Maybe get a sword up your ugly bum

 
(See the little faggot with the earring and the makeup
Yeah buddy that's his own soirée
That little faggot got his own story line
All he ever does is sing vidi vidi vichi

We gotta haul out all those shite buckets
Every morning on the dangerous high seas
We gotta fight those heavy freighters
We gotta act all the more piratee

I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda had a daddy sleepin in high society
Shoulda had a different mama, mine got stuck with a lousy bum
Man we could have some
And he's up there, what's that? Eurasian noises?
Bangin' on the bongoes like a chimpanzee
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Get your money for nothin' get your chicks for free

We gotta haul out all those shite buckets
Every morning on those dangerous high seas
We gotta fight those heavy freighters
We gotta act all the more piratee
 
Look a' here
Now look at that Julio-- that's the way you do it
You play the guitar on the Open Sea
That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free
Now that ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe have cut off your little finger
Maybe get a sword up your ugly bum

Money for nothin' and your chicks for free

(Bwak the chicken began dancing playfully on the pirates head)

Earlier that day Bulbas had ordered the attack on the Egyptian freighter.  There were hundreds of containers rich in olive oil and rice.  But five of those large vases of old contained hundreds of asps.

Just as the song finished,  giant asps were all over the deck and one of them swooped up Punjab, swallowing him whole.

Ferris Bulbas stood up in horror:

I'VE HAD IT WITH THE SNAKES ON THIS BOAT!!!