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    CAFE'S LIBERTINE RELEASED FROM FEDERAL HOLDING TANK

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/78/Bong_glas.jpg


    The following was discovered at HuffPo this Morning:


    The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the legal guidance before it is issued. "This is a major step forward," said Bruce Mirken, communications director for the Marijuana Policy Project. "This change in policy moves the federal government dramatically toward respecting scientific and practical reality."

    At the same time, the officials said, the government will still prosecute those who use medical marijuana as a cover for other illegal activity. The memo particularly warns that some suspects may hide old-fashioned drug dealing or other crimes behind a medical marijuana business. In particular, the memo urges prosecutors to pursue marijuana cases which involve violence, the illegal use of firearms, selling pot to minors, money laundering or other crimes.

    Medical marijuana advocates have been anxious to see exactly how the administration would implement candidate Barack Obama's repeated promises to change the policy in situations in which state laws allow the use of medical marijuana. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/19/new-medical-marijuana-pol_n_325426.html


    THIS JUST IN FROM OUR ACTION NEWS TEAM:

     

    A middle aged man who goes by the name "Libertine" was released on his own recognizance from a Federal holding cell last night without charges being filed. A spokesman for the Federal Narcotics Bureau released this memo to the local press:

    On Friday Libertine a/k/a (blacked out) was detained after Federal Narcotic Officers confiscated what they described as the single largest example of drug paraphernalia they had ever seen. The Bong, with a height between six and seven feet was discovered in the suspect's back yard next to a giant bird feeder. Officers postulated that the giant glass object had been used as means of extracting the chemical THC out of anything from the crudest hemp to the highest grade 'hash' in the five state area.

    Libertine has hardly been the most forthright with regard to the custody of this giant Bong. First he informed officers that he was simply processing catnip for his cats as well as other feline owners in the area. Then he stated that he was simply processing seeds into food for birds during the winter that demonstrated avian digestive disorders.

    After consulting with his 'legal advisor'( a known fan and follower of not only the Grateful Dead as well as Cheech & Chongo), "Jollyroger a/k/a (Blacked out) maintained that libertine was administering care to patients experiencing medical issues.


    This matter is still under investigation.

     

    Our News Bureau has followed up on this memo with some in-person interviews involving the suspect as well as others referred to in this governmental press release.

    Libertine, who still attempts to maintain some sort of anonymity, invited Francis Tumor from our Action News Team into his double bungalow after promises were made that neither his name nor his address would be disclosed.

    Man, this is just another example of the Oligarchy attempting to confiscate my rights as an American Citizen.

    After nodding off for five or ten minutes, Libertine continued:

    We need some real health care reform in this country, man. And I provide services that are not available 'out there' (Mr. Libertine likes to use imaginary quote marks with his fingers. He told Ms. Tumor that he learned how to do this from some old guy with white hair whom he saw on tv a lot last year).

    I procured...(here Mr. Libertine broke out in uncontrollable laughter and kept saying 'procured, I like that word man' over and over again) a professional degree from ITT Close Cover Before Striking University  last year, man. I have applied for an LPN license from the state. In the meantime, I just help out friends and acquaintances. I really like that word 'acquaintances', man.

    During the interview a man who goes by the alias 'Jollyroger' dropped by.

    Hey Man, heard about the Bong man. What a bummer...Jollyroger remarked after he stumbled through the door.

    Ms. Rumor, this is my legal counselor Jollyroger, man. Hey, how ya doin. Cable news here. Aint that something man?

    That's Tumor, Ms. Tumor Libertine.

    But may I ask Jollyroger, are you in fact an attorney?

    I am an official paralegal. Hahahahaha That always sounds like I float in the air on a kite, doesn't it, I mean with briefs and stuff. Hahahahaahah No, I am just learned in the legalities of things as they say. Hahahahahaha

    I have advised Libertine here (I just love that word advised...hahahahaha) that medical concerns outweight minor drug use laws. I mean, hey man, if a guy has laryngitis or arthritis he should be able to get a little relief. And how best to spell relief than B-O-N-G!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH

    As the interview continued a man calling himself JEP fell in. That is, the door suddenly opened and a man carrying a guitar actually fell in onto the floor. After getting back up the man said:

    Hey Libertine and Jollyroger, I wrote a new song in honor of you two. Hahahaha Want me to play it?

    Hey man yeah man said Libertine. By this time Jollyroger was in a corner chair half asleep. Jolly suddenly sat up and said: Sure man.

    Rearranging his guitar after he discovered it was upside down, JEP began his song:


    I was fine but she was sick

    We sat on porches made of bricks

    She was sad and I was down

    I decided to play the clown

     

    Bong, bong, she lost her frown

    Bong, bong, it helped her along

    Bong, Bong, she sucked it down

    Bong, bong, THC could not do wrong.

     

    Weeds are weeds like sage and thyme

    We use them to perk up the sublime

    But Mary Jane can make us smile

    And suppress our pain for a little while
     

    Bong, bong, we lost our frown

    Bong, bong, it made this song

    Bong, Bong, we smoked it down

    Bong, bong, THC could not do wrong.


    Music played, and people sang
    Just for me, the church bells rang.

    Now she's fine, and don't feel sick
    And I don't feel like such a dick
    We do not need to know the whys
    And she no longer wants to die.

     

    Bong, bong, we lost our frowns

    Bong, bong, it made this song

    Bong, Bong, we smoked it down

    Bong, bong, THC could not be wrong.



    We will report more updates on this story as soon as Ms. Tumor returns from a three day leave. As the top member of our Action News Team, Ms. Tumor has decided to stay with the suspect and his cronies in order to best provide a more in depth examination of this 'situation'.

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