Dale Breckenridge Carnegie

This just in from our TPM Site:

Former President George W. Bush has got a whole new gang. Goodbye, Condi, Cheney and Rumsfeld. Hello, Terry Bradshaw, Zig Ziglar and Rudy Giuliani.

Bradshaw, Ziglar and Giuliani are among the other featured speakers at an Oct. 26 "Get Motivated!" business seminar in Fort Worth, TX, where the former president will be the "special guest speaker." That won't be Bush's only Get Motivated appearance. See the full image promoting his Dec. 2 seminar here.

The all-day event next week will be held at the Fort Worth Convention Center Arena. Tickets are apparently $19. That's not per person -- that's per office.

The Get Motivated seminar is, according to its website, "world famous for its energizing, action-packed, star-studded, fun-filled, spectacular stage show. CNN, 60 Minutes, USA Today, TIME, PEOPLE, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal all rave about it! This motivational mega-show packs more inspirational firepower than a stick of dynamite!"  http://tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/2009/10/bush-headlining-motivational-mega-show-with-inspirational-firepower.php

 

I was able to procure an advanced copy of George W. Bush's first motivational speech under surreptitious circumstances; I cannot go into that here. It was sent to me anonymously with a cover that said:

Can you believe this idiot was President of the United States of America? So here it is without comment:

I am often asked, what exactly was the key to my success? Actually, properly put the inquisitor would say:

What is the secret to your success?

Hehehehe I mean since he was speakin to me and all.

Well that is the type of question I am more than willing to cogitate upon today. The inquiries might be dissected like this:

Is the glass half full or is it dryer than a West Texas dust storm?

Can anyone reach the altitudes I have in my deleterious life?

Are you a boy or are you a girl...with your long blond locks you look like a girl?  Ahhahahha. That last one was a jokerino. Heheheehhehe

There was a time when I was confrontated with the fact that I might have a problem with mind control substances. And it was then that I was introduced to a new type of thinkin', and it was given to me by presentation of a series of baby steps to real insanity which was severely missin in my life:

I had to believe that I was not in the type of powerful position for which I had been born into.

I came to perceive that there were powerful positions there to bring me to the brink of insanity.

I reached out to those more powerful positions seeking help in my new search for infamy.

I wrote down every telephone number of every rich guy I ever met.

I made of list of things I would beg for once I dialed the telephone numbers I needed to use to talk to those powerful peoples.

I called my Dad first and asked him for some money, cause I mean, you cannot really get started without some walkin around money.

I then called my Mom second and asked her for some money, cause that way I figgered the more walkin around money, the better. You can never have too much walkin around money.

I contacted all the numbers I had writ down so that I could speak with the people who were written along side the numbers. I learned a little trick here. I mean I would say this is George
Bush instead of just sayin I was George W. Bush. That way some of the folks I was callin would think the big guy was callin them and therefore return the call ASAP. USE WHAT YOU GOT IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY. And a rose by any other name would not be George W. Bush. Heheheheheheh

I was always ready to answer my phone and when I spoke with these important gentlemen I was courteous and made promises that I knew I could not keep.

Now there were other important steps to insanity that I took but I misplaced my notebook and besides these are plenty to consider for the amount of money I am being paid. I mean that Clinton guy gets way more money. Why is it that any former president whose last name begins with C gathers up all those monies for people who do not count when they could be helping folks who do count? Oh well, I digress.

Now there are rules of life that have helped me make all these important steps on my way to the top of the universe.

First, always look forward instead of behind. Some mistakes were made going to the place where we find ourselves now. But if we think too much of those things we left behind, those sins we committed we might end up in some dolour. Dolour is a good worth to contemplate upon. Dolour is not good for your blood pressure and such. I mean, if you are drunk in your car and hit a tree, get the heck out of there as fast as you can. If you can get to the nearest bar for instance and dump a few down as they say---well who is to say how much you were drinkin when you hit the damn tree? Heheheheheheheheheh

We are men and men make mistakes and we have such a short time on this earth, why focus too much on mistakes? It gets in the way of makin money. That's what I always say.

Second, take advantage of your position. In weaponry, those technologitians as they like to be called, always talk about triangulation. That's different than strangulation. Triangulation is what you use to locate what you are going for and somehow it helps you get to that place. How does that work?  Well, you have to ask those tech guys and that is why it is important to use your walkin around money and that is why you make promises you cannot keep. I mean you have to hire those tech guys cause they always know that kind of stuff . Use what you got to get help from people who will help you fet what you want.

Like those Stoned guys used to say:

You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you can get someone else to get you what you want.

Great poets those Stoned guys.

Which reminds me. We must, for short periods of time, stay away from mind control substances. Now I did that for three or four years and because of fading memories you just tell everyone that 'those days' were long ago and then THEY kind of leave you alone. I mean it worked for me.

Three or maybe its really four right now. Anybody keeping track? Heheheheheheheh!!! Well anyway, if you have no particular talents yourself, when you hire other guys to do your work for you, you have someone to blame when things frick up as they say.  Oh Valerie Plame's name was released when she had one of those unreleaseable names? Well, blame it on some guy named Scooter.

A war kind of gets out of whack and the peoples vote a lot of your friends out of office? Fire Rummy and kind of blame it on him.

That is why you need the right people workin for ya. So you can have someone to blame later on. And if you do not pretend to have a real 'hands on' kind of attitude, you do not just have to claim you were in the dark. I mean, you really were in the dark This is the best defense you know for the real powerful peoples.

Now here is a specified example of how to use these ten steps and these rules to your own advantageous position in life.

After I had aided my father in his election to the Presidentation Bid in'88, I knew that I had to get... er... goin and stuff. That is when I dropped the mind control usin and such. I had to undergo a redo, kind of like those old ladies that use that Borax stuff Reagan used to sell

Anyway Billy DeWitt, my old drinkin buddy tells me our other old drinkin buddy Eddie Chiles really wanted to sell the Texas Rangers. The baseball team--nothin to do with that guy who wore a mask and that Tonto fella.

Anyway, he could not sell the team and make a whole shit load of money unless a domed stadium were not completed....oh and it just got more and more complicated. I mean people's tax dollars were at issue, as always.

So I contact Eddie and he says: come on board and so I do.

Now he wants half a mill so I borrow that from someone else. I then motivate, I sell the public the goods. I mean the taxpayers pay for everything. The dome, the land for the dome.

And before you know it, the Rangers are worth ten times what they had been worth. And Eddie sells the team and I make millions and I get all the press I need to get rid of that liberal bitch runnin the State of Texas.

AND I DO IT WITH NONE OF MY OWN MONEY!!!!

But you see, I was motivated. And I have not looked back ever since. Hehehehehehe

(Following this speech, three members of the audience went into the men's room and shot themselves in the head.This story will be followed closely as details are released)