Originally Published in the UK Times Online

A minor incident in a barber’s shop last week has helped me to realize that I may no longer be straight. Not a fully fledged straight guy, anyway; perhaps not even a part-timer who helps the team out when it’s busy. It appears I may be going Gay.

WASHINGTON – Convinced that Max Baucus is still the key to his Presidency, President Barack Obama will forego his role in upcoming State of the Union Address, instead allowing the Senator from Montana give it.

Looking to capitalize quickly on the Supreme Court Ruling that allows corporations unlimited financial involvement in elections, McDonalds Corp. has announced it will soon begin a new contest called “You Pick the President.”

WASHINGTON – The White House and Congressional Democrats – aware of building anger in their base – have announced they plan to go forward with a modified Health Care Reform Bill that they feel will certainly make its way to President Barack Obama’s desk.

WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats, chastened by Republican Scott Brown’s Senate victory in Massachusetts, have admitted that they have learned a valuable lesson after seeing their advantage in the senate drop to a paltry 59-41. The lesson? Stop trying to do things.

“This is a wake-up call,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “It’s time to slam on the brakes and stop everything. The people have spoken.”

While Democrats are fretting about what to do about health care reform following Scott Brown's Senate victory in Massachusetts, many have brought up the idea that they should use the legislative process known as Reconciliation to pass a reform bill.

The mainstream media, always happy to run with a meme, have decided that Reconciliation is an obscure, sneaky process:

AFGHANISTAN – Jesus Christ looked through his rifle scope. More than 200 yards away was known Muslim Ali-Aba Khan. With preternatural calm, Christ stared intently, lining up his shot. When he pulled the trigger, the back of Khan’s head exploded. Christ picked up his rifle and walked away.

“The power of Christ compelled him,” said a chuckling Christ.

MASSACHUSETTS – In a pre-emptive strike, Fox News, the GOP and the campaign of Scott Brown have come forward to file federal electoral complaints against the Black Panthers and the group ACORN.

“The fact that I haven’t already been declared the winner shows that there is massive voter fraud going on,” said Brown, several hours before the polls closed. “I blame ACORN.”

These are sad times. The world is a confused, chaotic mess. War is now considered diplomacy. Freedom is but a catch phrase with no literal meaning. Life is getting more perilous and frightening for more and more people.

And my beard’s a mess. And that really saddens me.

AMERICA – The U.S. came to a grinding halt today, as everyone in America lost their keys.

“I could have sworn I put them on the counter,” said Tom Jenkins of Riverside, Calif. “Honest to God, I just can’t remember where I put them. No idea whatsoever.”

MASSACHUSETTS – Disgruntled Democrats – unhappy with candidate Martha Coakley – could throw President Barack Obama’s agenda for a loop as a large group of liberal voters have come forward to say that they will write-in Satan as their vote in tomorrow’s

BURBANK – Following a week that saw its late-night line-up explode in controversy, NBC has now announced that ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will be the new host of the “Tonight Show,” and that the show will be moved to Sunday at 8 a.m.

For those of you that enjoy a good serial, I whole-heartedly advise you to spend a little time paying attention to Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne. Because, day-in, day-out, Byrne delivers the goods.

With the announcement of her deal with Fox News, Sarah Palin is now one Glenn Beck stroke, aneurysm, or cardiac event from being the most* batshit crazy person on TV.

–WKW

* Media Version. Overall, Charlie Sheen is still the most batshit and likely to commit a violent felony at some point.

SALEM, Mass. — L.T. Johnson was busy tying a sofa to the roof of his Pinto hatchback, when he was forced to think long and hard about the most recent political controversy.

“Harry Reid said the word Negro when talking about Obama? And Apologized?” said Johnson, now unemployed for 24 consecutive months. “Yeah, I just don’t care, I need a place for my family to live, so I`m not all too interested in stuff like this.”

Ok, maybe not quite that over the top, but the Intelligence Industry really dropped the ball on the Underpants Terrorist kid. And by “dropped the ball,” I mean “Put thousands in needless risk.” I do expect there to be attempted attacks that will get past authorities somehow, but this is sounding quite abysmal.

HEAVEN – The heavenly perfection of Downtown Heaven was disturbed once all Hell broke loose following the news that Fox News Real-Live Journalist Brit Hume advised golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian to overcome his cheating ways. The ruckus was quelled, however, when Jesus Chist stepped forward to say that he did not care.

Genesis 6: 1-4 tells us that “there were giants in the Earth in those days.” Like all statements coming from the Word of God, this is factually true. There were, in fact, giants. And none were more giant than Jesus Christ.