What is the most persecuted demographic in the nation? It's not the blacks, the Jews, or the Hispanics, and certainly not the gays. One victim stands out in the gruesome annals of discrimination: the Beauty Queen.

The latest sacrifice to the bottomless hunger of the gay liberal hate monster is Miss Beverly Hills, Lauren Ashley. Ashley simply quoted an innocent line from the Bible:

HEAVEN – God, the all-powerful entity that controls all things on the planet, spoke to his people today for the first time in hundreds of years. Using the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert so that he wouldn’t shatter the eardrums and souls of ordinary humans, God was swift and to the point.

WASHINGTON – Despite hours of negotiations, President Barack Obama and Congressional Democrats were unable to move a brick wall in the center of the White House.

“This wall is weighing down the entire nation, but it just won’t listen to reason,” said Obama at a special press conference. “But I’m dedicated to offering it more leverage in these negotiations.”

JERSEY – MTV has announced a new cast for its hit show “Jersey Shore.” After seeing a group of unknown Italian Americans take the nation by storm and put “Guido and Guidette” into popular culture, this season, some of America’s top Conservatives will have everyone talking about “Cons and Conettes.”

While the U.S. economy continues to operate, the unemployment situation in the nation is still a giant area of concern. When unemployment hits 10 percent, economic heads explode. When it stays that way, it could be disastrous.

So while the recently passed “Jobs Bill” may seem like a nice addition to the battle for employment, U.S. politicos have yet to propose the only plan that could conceivably put the U.S. back on top.

It’s time to bring back slavery.

Recently, it came to my attention that a fellow nerd has gone to the trouble of calculating some statistics behind MegaShark's dramatically captured attack on an airplane. Here's a small version of his info-graphic (I encourage you to visit the blog itself as it has additional details):

WASHINGTON – Speaking in front of thousands of supporters, President Abraham Lincoln today took time off his efforts to re-unite the nation, end the Civil War and slavery to berate a street performer that made off-color jokes about his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln.

My friends, we live in a dangerous time of social and cultural revolution. And those revolutions have turned political, meaning the very fate of the United States is in the balance.

Recently, the name of a great American has been dragged through the mud. I speak of 53-year-old Andrew Joseph Stack, a man who loved his country so much, that he martyred himself to avoid paying taxes to it.

Taking a break from his sex addiction therapy, Tiger Woods today discussed his recent problems and announced that he will switch to Christianity as per the advice of Fox News journalist Brit Hume.

Here is a snippet from Friday’s press conference with Woods from the Match Play Championship in Florida:

This morning, I emailed everyone I know to try to sell them Viagra. Ex-bosses, ex-friends, ex-random-people-that-I-met-once-in-a-cafe, and ex-girlfriends (who really don't want to hear from me, let alone buy Viagra from me).

Sorry.

I didn't mean to. In fact, I don't remember doing it. But the incriminating evidence is sitting in my Yahoo "Sent Mail" folder. Six emails sent collectively to everyone in my contacts list between 10:09 and 10:10 am. All hocking Viagra.

When Google Buzz came out, I wanted to be on the cutting edge of this fabulous new technology. I allowed them to opt me in immediately, even though I had no clue what Google Buzz is I opt-in’d too or why.

Personally, I liked the idea that the six people who read my blog would now have six different ways to find my new posts: Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Orkut, Digg & Buzz. I would now be able to much more effectively carpet-bomb them with myself.

Finally making our trek into Rio de Janeiro’s famed Sambódromo as part of the Imperatriz Leopoldinense Samba School, one thing became exceedingly clear – we weren’t seeing the big picture.

As Iran is in the midst of severe domestic turmoil and an uprising of its populace, Senate Republicans are prepared to do whatever it takes to save the brave American populace from the clutches of evil dictator President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and his boss, the Iranian Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Because for them, the situation in Iran has aways been about democracy.

(Originally posted Feb 4, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles)

Having gone over and over it, it’s clear now that there really is only one difference between myself and Colombian pop sensation Shakira. My hips lie.

BRAZIL – After temperatures soared to more than 100 degrees Fahrenheit today in both Sao Paulo and Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, a group of scientists working on a comprehensive study stated that Global Warming has now been proved, and no further testing or data is required on the subject.

“Our group went outside and felt extremely warm,” said noted climate Scientist John Timson. “This confirms all our beliefs. Global Warming is a fact.”

Dear Tea Partiers,

For a long, long time now, I’ve been hearing American Patriots going on and on about how they’ve lost their country. And by “long, long time” I mean “since Barack Obama was elected President.” And by “going on and on” I mean, “freaking out about Barack Obama being elected President.” But this is neither here nor there.

WASHINGTON – Timothy Johnson was taking a walk near his home in Washington, D.C., when he walked near Capitol Hill. Noticing his shoe was untied, Johnson bent to tie it. Then all hell broke loose, as his actions somehow filibustered every bill currently in Congress, as well as placed holds all of President Barack Obama’s nominations for government positions.

“That was me?” said Johnson. “Eek. I’m really sorry about that.”

Dear Mr. Alexander,

ANCHORAGE - Recently released e-mails by the Alaska State Government showed that Sarah Palin’s youngest daughter Piper, then 7, handled most of Alaska’s State business in 2008.

“If I don’t get a happy meal, heads are going to roll,” thundered Piper in an e-mail to then-Lt. Governor Sean Parnell in March. “And the toy better not be doodie!”