AFGHANISTAN — American actor and martial arts enthusiast Chuck Norris will take over as the No. 3 man in Al Qaeda, sources say. Norris, known for his hyper-conservative views and Internet Facts, will join the terrorist organization in a private ceremony later today.

While many have voiced confusion about the move due to Norris being an unapologetic Christian, an Al-Qaeda spokesman said it all made perfect sense.

WASHINGTON – Angered over repeated accusations that they have no answers or plans, the GOP today announced a new strategic plan to save the Gulf of Mexico from Grace Slick.

“We are the party of today, and tomorrow,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “The Grace Slick situation in the Gulf of Mexico is one that we’re ready to handle.”

When informed that Grace Slick was a singer who now lived in Illinois, Republicans, as is their wont, refused to back down, budge or change course.

Initial reports out of the Gulf are that British Petroleum's "Top Kill" plan has stopped the oil from spurting out of the Earth.

From AmericaBlog:

HOLLYWOOD – After decades of being reviled as history’s worst monster, Adolf Hitler has had a surprise resurgence recently, mostly as a result of entertainers like Glenn Beck and others bringing up his name so much. The new attention has paid dividends, however, as Patrick Duffy will star as Hitler in the new NBC sitcom “That’s So Hitler!”

Like many, I watched the finale of the hit show Lost with much anticipation. Unlike many others, I take a very realistic view of the program.

Basically, I think we’re all dead.

Let me explain: In the finale of Lost, we learn that the alternate universe where they were residing is more of a limbo-type plane of existence. All were waiting to be “awoken” to their real existence, find peace with it, and move on, to heaven it appears.

If you show up in a chicken suit at a Nevada polling place to have your say in the primaries, you will not be allowed to vote. And this has chicken-suit wearers across the state molting in anger.

“It’s like I live in Soviet Russia,” said Tim Johnson of Sparks, Nev. “I moved here from Tupelo to get away from this kind of cultural totalitarianism.”

WASHINGTON – In an extremely bold maneuver today, the White House today made it clear they were going to take on the British Petroleum oil disaster by ignoring it in the hopes it will just go away.

“What oil spill? The Gulf of Mexico is fine, just fine,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “Next question.”

Forced to admit that reality and Conservatism can’t survive together, top Conservative leaders came together today to announce that they have begun “Creality,” a new, separate reality only for Conservatives.

“Ronald Reagan remains the greatest President ever,” said Top Conservative Newt Gingrich. “My term as Speaker of the House was the most successful in U.S. history.”

Friends of Elena Kagan grudgingly admitted on Wednesday that the Supreme Court nominee was unmarried not because of her orientation but because American men are absolutely terrible in bed.

"Maybe we shouldn't have said anything," said an embarrassed law-school classmate of the 50-year-old Solicitor General. "We didn't want for the men Elena's dated to feel inadequate simply because they are."

This is just great news. Atheists around the world must be applauding the theft of the controversial Mojave Desert cross. This is a great moment for Atheists and the time is at hand to spread our lack of belief around the planet. The cross has been stolen, and it is a great sign.

From Yahoo:

Trying to stay a step ahead of their rapidly spreading oily public relations disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, today British Petroleum announced a new contest that would guarantee every entrant a free gallon of crude oil.

“When people think of British Petroleum, we want them to think ‘winner!’” said BP spokesman Mark Proegler. “Because for a limited time, we want to make every man, woman and child in America a winner.”

If there’s one thing we Americans have shown a propensity for, it’s learning to accept certain uncomfortable realities. Things like the Patriot Act, wars in the Middle East, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, illegal Eavesdropping and other such items have become part of the American Experience.

An accidental security glitch sent the information of all Facebook users to Al Qaeda operatives overseas, a company spokesman admitted today.

“Oops,” said Elliot Schrage, the company’s vice president for public policy. “Are we perfect? Of course not.”

Dear Mr. Rekers,

We just wanted to send you a message to thank you for choosing Rentboy.com to “carry your luggage” and helping give us more publicity than we could have ever hoped for. Your help will put us on top this year.

GULF OF MEXICO – Dressed in only swimming trunks, U.S. President Barack Obama today swam 5,000 feet down and plugged the spewing geyser of oil left by the British Petroleum Oil rig that exploded April 20. Obama used the bodies of Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright to plug the well, thus saving the Gulf of Mexico and the U.S. from even worse contamination from the oil spill.

VATICAN – Pope Benedict XVI has gotten a big boost in his work for potential canonization due to attention-diverting incidents around the planet, sources say.

“Every night, the Pope has prayed that something would happen that would take people’s minds off the fact he protected pedophile priests,” said the source. “And now, look around, it’s truly a miracle.”

After several weeks of non-stop news regarding Catholic priests molesting children and the Catholic Church hiding the truth, there has been a literal explosion of big news around the world, including:

LOUISIANA – Emboldened by their protests against the United States government, several Tea Party organizations made their way to Louisiana this morning in an effort to stop the massive Gulf oil spill by shouting slogans at it.

“Don’t Tread on me!” shouted one protester near the marshlands along Louisiana’s southern coast.

“GET A BRAIN! MORANS,” read one sign.

WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee came forward today with a one-page document showcasing its new platform for the remainder of the year.

The new platform is based on illegal immigration and keeping medical expenses down. From the document:

I truly enjoy Twitter. I find it a great place to locate new readers, a place to meet a wide variety of people, and a place to be creative.

Honestly, for a person like me who considers the Internet his own personal comedy routine, Twitter is just perfect. I tend not to deal much with writers’ block, anyway, and Twitter lets me just hurl things against the wall and see what sticks.

Over the past few decades, the Republican brand has become a somewhat-confused morass of ideologies and beliefs, with the party losing large blocks of voters on several different issues. Recently, the decision by the State of Arizona to treat all Mexican and Latin people as potential criminals has crippled the Republican National Committee with the Mexican community, for instance.