As speculation grows about a potential 2012 Presidential run, ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has teamed up with Nike to produce an advertisement meant to both soften the controversial Republican’s image, as well as sell his new line of products, available at Nike.

LAS VEGAS – The golfing world is buzzing as two of the world’s most important golfers – Tiger Woods and William K. Wolfrum returned to the game of golf on Thursday. Woods shot a first-round 68 at the Masters in Augusta, Ga., while Wolfrum shot a 99 at Arroyo Golf Club at Red Rock in Las Vegas.

When the internet was invented by Al Gore’s uncle I wonder if Unky Gore realized that while it would revolutionize the digital world it would also become a freak show.  And not just the traveling kind with a bearded fat lady, dog boy, and some guy with way too many weird tattoos, but the holy shit I can’t believe how depraved and psychotic people are freak show.  Need I remind you of two girls, one cup?  I’ve never actually seen the two girls or the one cup in question, but I had it described to me in vivid fashion and I think that’s enough.

VATICAN – Claiming he had no choice and was only protecting himself and his Church, Pope Benedict today shot and killed God. The Almighty was rushed to a nearby hospital but was pronounced dead from the wounds.

The shooting took place moments before the Pope’s annual Easter Mass. During the Mass, the Pope declared that the act of violence was necessary to help stop the “Flood of Gossip” which threatens to derail the church. A senior Pope spokesman later discussed the incident with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

Erick Erickson, the founder of political blog RedState.com, which CNN calls "the preeminent right of center community online," has threatened to drive off census workers with a shotgun if they ask him how many times he flushes the toilet and other highly classified information.

ARIZONA – Faced with a difficult primary challenge from J.D. Hayworth in his senatorial re-election bid, Sen. John McCain announced today that he’s actually a vampire, like in the “Twilight” movies.

“Yeah, you kids love vampires, dontcha,” said McCain, wearing a cape. “Well I’m a romantic, hunky, super-conservative vampire. Bella!!”

WASHINGTON – The Republican National Committee, finally fed up with his free-spending ways and controversies, have fired Michael Steele as RNC Chairman and announced that TV Star Jesse James will be replacing him.

“We felt that Steele had his chance and blew it,” said an RNC source. “We are now heading in a different direction.”

BRAZIL – In a telephone interview, noted blogger William K. Wolfrum admitted to dominating Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele at a bondage club in Southern California.

“I just kept asking him why Republicans always talk about fiscal responsibility but whenever they govern they run up massive deficits,” said Wolfrum, a one-time “Fly Girl” on the show In Living Color. “He had nothing to say. I totally dominated.”

LOS ANGELES – Combining the works of science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard, fictional character Ronald Reagan, economics fiction writer Milton Friedman and actor Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology has announced that it has officially joined forces with the Tea Party movement.

SILVER SPRING, Md. – Discovery Communications has announced that it has been forced to cancel the upcoming reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” after it was learned that Palin ran out of reality almost two years ago. The eight-part documentary series was to star the ex-Governor Palin and her home state of Alaska and was slated to premiere on TLC, and executive produced by Emmy-award winner Mark Burnett of Survivor and Apprentice fame.

WASHINGTON — Stating that it was only a matter of time before they beat themselves to death, top Republicans have come forward pleading for the Democratic Party to stop hitting themselves.

Following the passage of Health Care Reform, concerned Republicans have come out in force, begging Democrats to stop battering themselves with their own legislation, which is naturally causing them to receive threats of violence.

FLORIDA – Entering an already crowded field of contenders, golfer Tiger Woods today announced that he will be running for the U.S. Senate Seat in Florida.

“Responsibility,” said Woods. “Dignity.”

Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) is desperately fighting off an election challenge from MSNBC host, Rachel Maddow. Though Maddow insists that she has no interest in running for Senate, Brown is not deceived by her evasions.

BRAZIL – In an attempt to show that Democratic politicians aren’t the only ones dealing with threats and violence, blogger William K. Wolfrum today admitted that a bird crapped on his car, which he called an “obvious attempt to shut me up.”

“You know, Democrats are whining and complaining about receiving death threats and whatnot, but really, I’m the victim here,” said Wolfrum, formerly a back-up singer with the band A-Ha. “But do you hear me complaining about it? No, death threats and bird crappings are par for the course in today’s world.”

BETHLEHEM (March 24, 0008) – The parents of Jesus Christ – the much ballyhooed Son of God – have accused a Catholic Church Priest of molesting their child, causing him to flee from the area.

“We really should have known better than to let him hang out with Catholics,” said Mary, mother of Jesus. “They’re just a bunch of predators.”

BRAZIL – In a telephone interview, I admitted to an affair with sex-addicted golf legend Tiger Woods.

“Yes, I, William K. Wolfrum, had an affair with Tiger Woods,” I said. “The man is insatiable.”

FRESNO – Jesus Christ Almighty was making himself and his followers a quick bite to eat when he noticed something amazing – he could see himself on the tortilla he had just made.

I have always lived my life as an optimist. Because of this, I have vivid fantasies of a better world for all of us.

I believe that one day, man will put down his arms and celebrate peace. That enemies will become friends. And that we won’t have a Pope that covers up for Pedophiles.

WASHINGTON – The Powerful Coat Hanger Lobby celebrated a huge victory over the weekend, as the Senate’s Health Care Reform Bill passed the House of Representatives.

While Democrats have also cheered the passage of the bill – which could get 30 million more Americans health care coverage – the Coat Hanger Lobby was especially thrilled with deal that will not allow poor women to receive abortions.

BRAZIL – Right-Wing Blogger-Patriot William K. Wolfrum today unleashed a new bombshell revelation against Fox News host Sean Hannity. Wolfrum stated that he had evidence of Hannity murdering adorable little puppies.