LeBron James may be new to town, but he better learn that Miami belongs to Dexter Morgan.

Headlines

Johannes Mehserle was convicted of involuntary manslaughter – the least possible sentence – after shooting an immobilized and unarmed Oscar Grant on the Oakland Subway system. Here’s how some media organizations described the aftermath:

In her effort to make white moms her base, Sarah Palin’s PAC put out a video that showed just how much she loves (white) women.

CLEVELAND – Basketball star LeBron James will reportedly be taking a shower at around 8:30 p.m. EST tonight. James – who averaged nearly 30 points and nine assists per game in 2009-2010 – will very likely use soap, shampoo and possibly conditioner, said an anonymous ESPN source.

Well in an unexpected move to prove his manliness and tough guy persona,  Mitt Romeny has come out in favor of nuclear proliferation.

CLEVELAND – Citing potential “National Security Issues,” President Barack Obama today ordered all media to stay 2,000 feet away from basketball superstar LeBron Jame

We are all so incredibly lucky to witness the inception of Beck University! Beck University has exactly two employees and Beck, the employese being a strange PhD named Dr. Stoner.

Jack Welch – former CEO of General Electric, Net worth, $720 million – had this to Tweet recently:

I wish the President would stop dividing us..Every day he has a new villain..bank execs, insurance companies, doctors, hedgefund managersetc

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I originally wrote this for readers at Open Salon, but believe the advice below is of great importance to all bloggers lesser than myself.]

Hi, everyone, I'm Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum. My friends call me Bill, but for purposes of this presentation, I'd rather you called me Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum.

Larry King will retire from CNN. This may be the straw that breaks America’s back.

News

Oil-Soaked Beaches: With Hurricanes pushing the waters, oil is hitting more and more beaches, making this disaster a lot more real to many.

WASHINGTON – In a controversial 5-4 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has overturned and modified the Internet’s infamous “Godwin’s Law.”

The Law formerly stated: “As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the decision.

If you aren’t with us, you’re against us.

Of course, outside of the French team, soccer players rarely smash into a wall and burst into flames.

BP CEO Tony Hayward, relaxing at home with the small people now that he has his life back.

The Good news? You can live forever. The Bad News? You’ll have to be a jellyfish to pull it off.

“Would you just stop it with the forsaking already?”