November 6^th, 2013

Multimillionaire Bill de Blasio was elected New York City’s next mayor last night.  This morning, as I rode my Bloomberg-enabled Citibike to work, three homeless men carrying squeegees surrounded me at a stoplight.

“Clean your bike, sir?”

In terror, I tried to roll up the windows and lock the door, but I was on a bicycle.  I had nowhere to go.  Soon, the homeless men had taken the bike from me.  They wiped it clean, disinfecting the handlebars and seat with antibacterial hand gel no doubt lifted from a Bath and Bodyworks.

Then, they oiled the chain and tightened the handlebars while one of the homeless men measured my inseam and informed me that I had set the seat too low for maximum power on my pedal stroke and also that by riding the bicycle that way I risked a quadriceps tear and could do long-term damage to my hips.

“You don’t want no hip replacement surgery under Obamacare,” he said.  “That shit’s expensive.”

The three men returned the bike to me and I climbed on.  One of them, the ringleader (you could tell because he was wearing a big candy ring) handed me an invoice for $1.34, or whatever change I had in my pocket.

“I don’t carry cash,” I said.  “I tried to tell you.”

“Oh well,” said the ringleader.  “Ride safe.  And carry some quarters for your friendly street aids in the future.”

I shuddered and then pedaled up First Avenue.  Truly, the urban blight had returned.  New York would never be the same, except that it would be the same as it was when we all feared it from the outside.  What was that noise, the wind, or Leona Helmsley?  Had to be the latter.  Why would the wind say that taxes are for little people?