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MOFT: Episode 3 (Ice Breakers' Ice Cubes Raspberry Sorbet Gum)
by Deadman 12/9/2008 - 6:38 pm
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My One Favorite Thing this week is Raspberry Sorbet-flavored Ice Cubes gum from Ice Breakers. It's a fucking party for your mouth every time you pop one of these babies in.
I've never seen crack cocaine or crystal meth up close and personal, but this gum looks like what I envision you'd get if you combined those two drugs, all white and shiny with tiny little red speckles of mad flava baked in, and probably twice as addicting.
As a bonus, the gum comes in this very cool, totally impractical box (you ain't taking this gum with you anywhere) that you flip open every time you want a piece and makes you really feel like you're indulging in something special. 
It's sugar-free, so unlike with that crystal meth, your teeth are safe with this habit. The sugar substitutes in there (malitol, mannitol AND xylitol - shit, maybe this is some crystal meth/crack combo) do, however, pose a problem: I think the gum is making me gassier. Sugar substitutes definitely get my stomach churning normally, and at the rate I'm popping these things in my mouth, it's become something of an issue. Not so much of an issue that I'm curtailing the habit, mind you, but it is certainly making it more difficult to abide by my fart-free rule when I'm with the girlfriend.
And don't forget, if you're a dog owner, keep the gum away from your pooch (Even low doses of xylitol can kill a decent-sized dog within 30 minutes - we once had an incident when our cocker got into an entire pack of a different sugar-free gum with xylitol, and we had to feed him hydrogen peroxide so he would vomit the stuff up. Makes you wonder how safe xylitol can be for human consumption - again, not wonder enough to curtail the habit, mind you).
BTW, the excessive use of profanity, and multiple references to drug use and flatulation in this post is in direct response to my MOLFT, or My One Least Favorite Thing, of the week: censorship, particularly of comments on his posts (substituting 'trifle' for a bad word from Orlando?? C'mon, this ain't no kindergarten playground!). Fight the Man! ...
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I'm so getting some of that gum after work. But I think I'll leave it in my car. My dog is a little too interested in things he can eat.
And for the record, I don't care about getting edited as much as I care about the word selected for the edit. Prose is nothing to trifle with.
uh, what is this .... besides one delicious-looking cake? Has my post been cake-rolled?
I think it's a trifle.
Yes.... I put it on the alt text and everything. Just my attempt to weigh in on the trifle/censoring debate. Sorry for disrupting your post, Deadman!
* sneak... sneak... sneak.... SPLATTTTTERMUNGOOOOOO!*
That's right, that's right... You been TRIFLED, babyPaige!
Better'n a sneak attack with a cream pie..... TRIFLE!
OH YEAH, OH YEAH, WHO'S THE PIE BOSS NOW, HUH? HUH?
And on Dagblog. Damn. (Winder if you haz rules about that too?)
Dija's purse:
MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!
I hope we get some advertising $$$ for this
If you log out, you'll see the ads on the right. On this page, we do indeed have an ad for icebreakers gum. We also have "Cure gum disease forever."
For the latter, I haven't clicked the link, but I have my own recommendation: floss, people. 9 out 10 dentists...
I have a feeling Ice Breakers won't be using the 'This gum makes you gassy' sales pitch anytime soon. But the 'it's a fucking party for your mouth every time you pop in one of these babies' - that's advertising gold.
Raisins, grapes and chocolate are also really dangerous for dogs but tend to be fine for human consumption. I say eat as much xylitol as your girlfriend can stand.
So, I tried the gum and it was an epic let down. We're talking a let down on the scale of seeing Flashdance years after everybody else because my mom wouldn't let me see R-rated movies in the 8th grade so all my friends got to see it and raved and raved and raved about how it was the BEST MOVIE EVER. Then, when I saw it, I thought it was utter crap.
So, okay, I don't think the gum is utter crap. But I could have lived my entire life without trying a piece and never felt the lack of it.
O, are you sure you got the right gum? Perhaps you asked the shady guy behind the 7-11 counter for the crystal meth/crack gum and he gave you something else entirely (in which case I heartily recommend you go see one of those doctors you hate so much and get your stomach pumped?)
O, are you sure you have good taste (Im very dubious now that I've heard about your 'utter crap' Flashdance review.)?
O, are you sure you haven't been swayed or induly influenced by Mr. Poo Poo himself, Genghis? That guy is more negative than an anode. Stay away from him ... it's worse than being trifled with.
O, are you sure you didn't realize that you were merely putting a piece of gum in your mouth? I mean, sure, I knew there was a risk that my 'party in your mouth' description and 'crystal meth' analogy had the potential to create unrealistic expectations, but I did throw in the stuff about farts and I figured that people would realize that this was merely gum I was talking about, not even sugar gum, and certainly not anything as potentially life-changing as a 95-minute Jennifer Beals-starring, infectious dancing, pursuing-your-dream-at-all-costs, fucking brilliant epic.
I think in honor of you, O, the next time I chew on a piece of this gum, I'm going to whirlwind around my living room in my long, shoulder-baring sweater while farting the tune to 'What a Feeling!' ...
Am I sure I got the right gum? How many different kinds of Icebreakers Ice Cubes Raspberry Sorbet sugar free gum are there? If there is more than one, it's possible, I guess.
I will grant you that it's smoother than most gum. But your one most favorite thing? You must have had a sad week.