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The NFL Combine - A Rant

by Mortimus 2/20/2009 - 12:46 pm   |

Right now over 300 college kids are parading around in sponsored spandex performing the President's Fitness Challenge for a bunch of googley eyed grown men. Well-paid football professionals and numbers geeks are oohing and aahing over tenths of a second in an effort to figure out which specimen they'll hand over the $50 million "Deal or No Deal" briefcase. Endless numbers of greased up Mel Kiper wannabees are plotting these numbers into formulas trying to find the NFL equivalent of e=mc2. Here's a tip: You can slice and dice these digits all you want, but when the digits don't mean anything the only solution you'll come up with is that you are wasting your fucking time.
 [Read more]

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Brett Favre Retires!

by Mortimus 2/11/2009 - 1:41 pm   |

We've done it again boys. Garcon! Mount #4's taxidermied head in the hallowed hallway of Jet misery. Put it dead center - right in between Doug Brien's foot and the floor plans of the Manhattan stadium.

Do you really need any more proof that this is the saddest franchise in the NFL? (Shut it Lions fans you get to bathe in your 0-16 bragging rights). It took just 6 months for us to extinguish the most unquenchable fire in NFL history. 6 measly months to get the guy who refused to take a seat a day after burying his father to cry "uncle." 180 days for the guy who was willing to sully his glorious Packers career to convince himself that returning for another season with the Jets just wasn't worth it.
 [Read more]

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Michael Phelps Smoking Pot? Weed! Marijuana? Or Super Secret Lung Training Technique??? Picture + 10

by Mortimus 1/31/2009 - 11:14 pm   |

1. God, does this guy have to endorse everything!?!

2. I think it's safe to say he's a shoe-in for "High Times: Sportsman of the Year"

3. So that's how he was able to put down 8,000 calories in a day without a problem

4. Note to College Swim Coaches around the country: Your team's eyes aren't red tomorrow from the chlorine

5. Ohhh, so that's why it was so foggy in China

6. "Oh you better take an 8th hit Michael. Spitz took 7 down easy."

7. Now, thats what I call Rosetta Stone'd (ZING!)

8. Unlikely this will be Wheaties next cereal cover for one reason only: No sign of the gold medals [Read more]

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Super Bowl Prop Bets - An Outsider's Perspective, part 2.

by Mortimus 1/31/2009 - 2:50 pm   |

Nourishment for your gambling Jones. Part 2 is here: [Read more]

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Super Bowl Prop Bets - An Outsider's Perspective, part 1.

by Mortimus 1/30/2009 - 7:46 pm   |

It's hard to care about this year's Super Bowl. Sure, I could take the easy route and blame it all on the world melting around us like a spoonful of margarine grilling on my Rachel Ray cookware. But I won't, I can believe it's more than transfatty fake butter. Unfortunately we got ourselves two high quality teams, armed with likeable personnel and two Jesus-like figures under center - one who is see here: and the other whose cranium can withstand a high speed Harley accident. It sort of reads like an awful M. Night Shyamalan script, and as I've painfully learned with his last few bombs, it's best not to get too excited. [Read more]

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Check It - The Bailout Game

by Mortimus 1/15/2009 - 5:07 pm   |

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You know the recession is getting deep when we are creating interactive Monopoly games mocking it. After all it was the Great Depression which served us up the original top hat, monocle and thimble (or so one dag blogger so falsely convinced me).

Though there isn't any Marvin Gardens or '$10 for 2nd place at a beauty contest' it's certainly worth your time. That is if total domination of a debt-riddled, pitchfork carrying, moral-less country is your cup of Chinese funded tea.

http://www.thebailoutgame.us/

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NFL Playoffs - Figuring Out Who To Root For

by Mortimus 1/6/2009 - 2:23 am   |

First let me start off by saying that this isn't a particularly easy post for me to write. It'd be an honor to delight you all with a long diatribe about the Jets annual implosion, but that would conflict with one of the great joys of being their fan. That of course is the joy of pocketing all the rage and torment into the pit of my stomach and then watching it explode at the most inopportune times like a bootleg 8th century jack-in-the-box. Like that time a few years back after Doug Brien missed two field goals in the last two minutes against the Steelers and I had to be escorted out of a Dunkin Donuts after receiving 27 cents of change in the form of three nickels, a dime and two pennies. What can I say, I like quarters.
 [Read more]

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Are the Yankees' Free Agent Signings...

by Mortimus 12/26/2008 - 5:27 pm   |

The Scariest Economic Indicator of all?!?!

Wall Street is a barren stretch of gloom and tumbleweed, unemployment could sniff double digits in '09, yet the Yankees are spending money as if its 'the day after tomorrow.'

$423.5 million in total salary
Mark Teixiera - 8 years, $180 million
C.C. Sabathia - 7 years, $161 million
A.J. Burnett - 5 years, $82.5 million

In less than 10 days the Pinstripes poured through enough money to make even Dennis Kozlowski blush. [Read more]

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The Shoe Bomber Returns (aka The George Bush Shoe Throwing Video) + 10

by Mortimus 12/14/2008 - 4:28 pm   |

 


1. Honestly the most impressed I've ever been with Bush

2. You heard it here first: Obama's toast in Presidential dodgeball


3. "Mr. President I'd take a bullet for you...a shoe?...not so much"

4. "That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who
throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!" [Read more]

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Barry Sanders Jr. - Video + 10

by Mortimus 12/12/2008 - 5:03 pm   |

Yea, he's a freshman in high school.

Behold...

 

A few quick thoughts:

1. So if he's Barry to his father Bobby Bonds that means....oh this kid is doomed

2. Looks like the only person who could tackle him is Lawrence Taylor Jr.  Although I believe Li'l LT was out behind the school yard doing blow during this play [Read more]

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