Oxy Mora: Personas Eat Policy Wonks for Breakfast
Nourishment for your gambling Jones. Part 2 is here:
Willie Parker rushing yards
Portland State points
I half don't even believe this college exists. I'm actually curious to know if Sportsbook offers a side bet on whether or not this was the faux school that was concocted in the Justin Long movie "Accepted." Still, kudos to the PSU boys on finally getting some national recognition. I'm envisioning the entire student body sitting around their dorm rooms popping the Natty Light and toasting themselves "We finally made it boys. All those disfigured cuticles, all those years fighting to get into the NCAA tourney for some limelight and instead we get graced by the manicured index finger of the Vegas god. I knew the decision to go with my tertiary school would pay off in due time."
Frustration Scale: 2. It's a pretty straight forward bet, though you know the PSU boys dropped their whole student loan payment on this gift wrapped goodness
Where I'm betting: I'm taking the Vikings (yes, I looked that up). I don't think this prop is coincidental. The landlord of Vegas I'm betting is a PSU alum and he knows something that we don't. He's got the Montana State roster on payroll and if he doesn't I'm suggesting Willie Parker strap kevlar onto his knees.
A Better Idea For a Bet: Willie Parker yards vs. South Harmon Institute of Technology points
Steelers + Cardinals total touchdown
Phil Mickelson fourth round birdies
I'd love to get into the spirit of the Phil Mickelson hatred because frankly I just don't understand it. Why do people care so much about this guy? It's not like I'm rooting for the New York Mickelsons, or the Notre Dame Phils. This is one dude, one! Playing by himself, for himself, and no one but himself. Good for him, why do I care? When he chokes does it embarrass you and your showcased living room "Fathead." Does it bother you that he makes $50 million as an athlete but still needs a Manzier? (ok, I admit that bothers me).
Frustration Scale: 7. Either I have to suffer through a golf broadcast for three hours before the most intense game on the planet, or I have to figure out how to read a golf scorecard. Oy. I still don't know the difference between a circle or square around the number. And odds are I'd have to read through the scorecard at least 11 times "Hold on guys, I'm not hitting play on the DVR until I know full well how many TDs I have to root against." Plus, if I lose because of an eagle that doesn't count as a birdie my fathead is going to explode all over the Vegas strip.
Where I'm betting: I'm betting with Phil. I know he's going to screw me over, but at least I can officially become baptized as a Mickelson hater. This also might be the only opportunity I get to chastise someone during a tranquil round of golf like I was painted blue and nestled inside Cameron Indoor. Hey, when you see a fork in the road take it, then scrape it slowly down your HDTV like sharp steel on chalkboard.
A Better Idea For a Bet: Steelers + Cardinals total touchdown vs. $100,000's in Phil Mickelson's paycheck.
What song will Bruce Springsteen sing to end his halftime show at the Super Bowl?
Born in the USA: 2/1
Born to Run: 3/2
Glory Days: 4/1
The Rising: 4/1
The Wrestler: 5/1
Radio Nowhere: 8/1
I’m on Fire: 12/1
Oooh, now we are getting interesting. Nothing quite taking a classic concert then soiling it by only being vested in its conclusion.
Frustration Scale: 9. This can go many ways, most of them bad. There's always the chance you can get a thrown a curveball and the E-Street Band does some crazy mashup and you get screwed based on the last lyric. Also, taking this bet ensures the worst concert you'll ever see. "GET GLORY DAYS OUT OF THE WAY, SING IT, SING IT ALREADY!" .... "THE FLAG IS UNFURLED, SING BORN GOD DAMN IT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR" If your significant other is a big time Bruce fan, this could be remembered as the moment when they packed their bags.
Where I'm betting: There's no way he doesn't end with "Born to Run," no way. If he ends with "The Wrestler" then I'll be more disappointed in Bruce then the fact that I just pissed away money in a fierce depression. "Sorry honey, we can't go to dinner for a few weeks, because F'ing Bruce played 'The Wrestler,' yup, he took the opportunity in front of a billion people to lobby for an oscar nod." Sidenote: if I had a serious rooting interest in this game I'm hoping Bruce ends with "I'm on Fire" and just cools the stadium and sucks any momentum out. Imagine being Coach Tomlin and hearing "I'm on Fire" while trying to keep your guys rallied. "Ear muffs guys, ear muffs!!!"
A Better Idea For a Bet: During which song does Bruce Springsteen reveal his cock to a national audience?
How many times will NBC show Brenda Warner on TV during the game?
Over/under: 3 1/2
Man, we just can't get rid of Brenda can we? She's like that Monty Python character that keeps wanting to fight even though he keeps losing every one of his limbs (yes, that reference needs to be made at least once in every irreverent piece on the internets).
Frustration Scale: 9. Geez, I guess I want the Cardinals to get blown out, but even then I still risk the opportunity of Brenda going ape-shizzle by streaking onto the field grabbing the line judge dragging him into the instant replay booth then reading him scripture about needing glasses.
Where I'm betting: If it's a close game then I'm a goner. So I'm taking the over. It's going to be too irresistible for John and Al to not bring up Brenda during every dead air moment. Plus, you know she's going to be engaging in some seriously entertaining prayer acts and the cameraman knows he greases his pocket with that footage. If you can't beat them, join them. This is easy money.
A Better Idea For a Bet: How many times will NBC show Brenda Warner greasing her hair with gel during the game?
The opening coin toss will be:
This is odd because the coin flip is how I've decided which way to go on 3/4 of these. Still I'm a tails guy, always have, always will be until I end up in that bootleg Vegas casino and lose my entire family's savings ala Vegas Vacation letting it all ride on the backside.
Frustration Scale: 2. I'm not the guy to bitch and moan about wind gusts or bad bounces, rather I'm the guy to bitch about the size and engravings on the "special super limited commemorative act now while supplies last special edition Super Bowl hand engraved game time coin."
Where I'm betting: See: Tails guy
A Better Idea For a Bet: Who gets to call heads or tails, the Cards or Steelers?
To check out Part 1 click here: Here
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