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    Super Bowl Prop Bets - An Outsider's Perspective, part 1.

    It's hard to care about this year's Super Bowl. Sure, I could take the easy route and blame it all on the world melting around us like a spoonful of margarine grilling on my Rachel Ray cookware. But I won't, I can believe it's more than transfatty fake butter. Unfortunately we got ourselves two high quality teams, armed with likeable personnel and two Jesus-like figures under center - one who is see here: and the other whose cranium can withstand a high speed Harley accident. It sort of reads like an awful M. Night Shyamalan script, and as I've painfully learned with his last few bombs, it's best not to get too excited. So as the good bookie says in Gamblus 24:7 "whenever in need of a little boost of excitement, throw a little cash on it." Well, I shall oblige and I'm taking my favorite prop bets along with me.

    Willie Parker rushing attempts
    Allen Iverson points

    Good to see Allen Iverson is still relevant. Seriously, you could have told me he bolted for the European leagues last summer and now plays for Olympiacos Piraeus and my reaction would be "oh wow, him too huh?"

    Frustration Scale: 6. I cringe at the thought of seeing myself standing face pressed up against the television screaming "GIVE HIM THE DAMN BALL!!!!" And then high-fiving everyone when he gets a 2 yard gain. There's something wrong about rooting for a guy, but not enough to save yourself from screaming bloody murder when he pulls off a 95 yard run. If I take Willie I'm pretty much just hoping he's durable enough to get the crap kicked out of himself on 30 separate occasions.

    Where I'm betting: I'm taking AI. Sure, I could've been fooled into thinking he was playing in Europe now but I still know better than to think Iverson has magically matured into pass happy these last couple of years. Plus, it will be downright enjoyable to watch him chuck it 35 times effortlessly, and if he's not I can bank that Iverson will be right along with me being just as pissed.

    A Better Idea For a Bet: Allen Iverson points vs. Willie Parker's yards on 3rd down

    Jersey number of player to score first touchdown
    Over 38.5

    I like this bet only because it reads like the dumbest idea outside of the heads/tail prop, but you know there were SERIOUS mathematics done to figure out the exact number. Like the whole sports bookie community put on their hard hat and pulled out their calculator, covered their blackboards in chalk and came up with the number 38.314159265

    Frustration Scale: 9. Wow. Think of the hour of enjoyment it will be figuring out whose on your side or not - like some bootleg color war. Anquan Boldin, good! Larry Fitzgerald bad. Jerheme Urban good!, Edgerrin James bad. Hines Ward good!, Santonio Holmes bad. It hurts just doing this in my head now.

    Where I'm betting: I'm taking the under. Partly because my high school jersey number was 38, but more so because I know this is being decided by either a pick-6 or a QB sneak and I don't want to be on the other side of this bet when it happens. Circuit City has already liquidated their HDTV's and I'm not paying retail for a new one.

    A Better Idea For a Bet: Jersey number of player to be charged with the first penalty +/- 75

    Heath Miller receptions
    Newcastle + Sunderland goals

    Kudos to Sportsbook for trying to sucker the English into watching this game. Ironically, they'll probably have better luck picking out Heath Miller on the field than I will.

    Frustration Scale: 0. Frustration? C'mon. The idea of 1/2 a million British hooligans boarding a plane loaded with pick axes and torches all to bust up Heath Miller's face during the Super Bowl celebration parade does nothing but excite me. I pity Heath for getting dragged into the British gambling scene like some unlucky bystander on the show "What would you do" (you know the one with John Quinones!) but I'm wise enough to appreciate its humor value.

    Where I'm betting: I'm going Heath all the way. A. because he's American and B. just so I can scream "RECEPTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN" like some crazed Colombian soccer announcer whenever he hauls it in.

    A Better Idea For a Bet: Heath Miller receptions vs. Newcastle + Sunderland flares that land on the field.

    Arizona Cardinals points
    Largest lead by T-Wolves or Celtics
    This sounds to me like a sucker's bet. It should just read "largest lead by Celtics...and uhhh yea sure we'll throw in the T-Wolves if it will make you sleep easier." Forget even a 30 point lead, no chance the T-Wolves are going up by more than 12 unless of course unless the "Three Amigos" get tied down in the 1st quarter by El Guapo.

    Frustration Scale: 8. Where do I even find "largest lead" on the stat sheet? Basically you're telling me I have to watch the C's game on PIP and for 3 hours go "yes, yes, yes, no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no." I can think of few more torturous ways to watch a game. Maybe if I took a gamble on the over/under on how many times the ball went out of bounds on a fly.

    Where I'm betting: I'm taking the Cards. Not that I don't think the Wolves can lose by 40, it's just I'd rather watch the game knowing what I got to beat. More importantly taking the evening game provides me with a nice buffer from any "We need to talk" intervention from friends and family. Trade in "largest lead" number for "numbered box in local bar Super Bowl pool" and you're good to go.

    A Better Idea For a Bet: Arizona Cardinals Points vs. Number of minutes Brian Scalabrine spends on the bench.

    Mitch Berger’s first punt gross yards
    Kevin Durant points + rebonds + assists

    I'm not even 100% which team Mitch Berger plays on but I love the ingenuity of this bet. It makes me conjure up images of these bankers 8 years ago in a back room creating credit default swaps, tapping their fingers together in delight and thinking to themselves how flawless this whole system is. Just know If Mitch Berger shanks his first punt and conversely the entire sports world implodes - I brought it to your attention first.

    Frustration Scale: 3. This is an all of nothing deal. All I have to hope for is poor field position and for Mitchie to belt the bejesus out of it like Kyle's little Canadian brother. I can live with that, and then get on with enjoying the rest of the game focusing on more important things like total first downs, QB kneels, and halftime show length.

    Where I'm betting: I've always wanted to know the anxiety behind a punt. You know, being the wimpiest guy on the team and being counted on 5 times a game not to blow it for the guys three times the size of you toughing it out in a half cracked endoskeleton. I'm not deferring on that chance.

    A Better Idea For a Bet: None, this bet is perfect.


    Check out Part 2 here: Here

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    I love that these are real bets - i'll be very curious to see how they pan out. Please do a follow-up (as I will not be watching NBA or English League soccer games). Here's my predictions for the football sides of the bets: Parker =23 attempts. Jersey number - i'll go under. heath miller receptions - 5. ARZ points = 24. berger's first punt gross yards - 53.

    You, me, $5 on every one of these bets? Standard Mortimus betting policy: Every time the GDP contracts by 5% I'm forced to remove a zero.

    id love to, but on some of them i just gave you the football side of the bet. btw, i want to change my TD jersey number bet to over -

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