Mortimus's picture

    NFL Playoffs - Figuring Out Who To Root For

    First let me start off by saying that this isn't a particularly easy post for me to write. It'd be an honor to delight you all with a long diatribe about the Jets annual implosion, but that would conflict with one of the great joys of being their fan. That of course is the joy of pocketing all the rage and torment into the pit of my stomach and then watching it explode at the most inopportune times like a bootleg 8th century jack-in-the-box. Like that time a few years back after Doug Brien missed two field goals in the last two minutes against the Steelers and I had to be escorted out of a Dunkin Donuts after receiving 27 cents of change in the form of three nickels, a dime and two pennies. What can I say, I like quarters.

    The answer to the above question has been pretty simple in the past, and the answer was always: Whoever the heck was playing the Patriots. Alas, with no hoodie and the Jets busy ending the careers of college coaches I've become like a tipsy teenager lying in the corner sobbing without a prom date. Don't be mistaken, I didn't enter the ballroom alone, rather I had two potential suitors. One was a Mr. Chad Pennington who I still felt wore green underneath his jersey like a weak-armed Clark Kent. And the other was the Colts. Why the Colts? Well, first, because I think it'd be kick-ass (phrase warranted) to see a Manning on Manning championship - the ultimate sibling rivalry played out for 1 billion people with the loser getting a wet willie and a dutch oven instead of a post-game handshake. And secondly, because I want the best teams to win in the NFL. Super Bowl winners are cast in Bronzed American hero and Disney ears and for the rest of my life I will be bombarded by endless NFL Films coverage of these games. Really, imagine if you had to hear in a deep-throated voice the greatness of Neil O'Donnell and Stan Humphries until your death. Imagine if after the 2000 Super Bowl your 5 year old boy went out in the backyard to practice becoming the next Trent Dilfer (Reality cringe).

    So now with the wheat separated from the chaff, and the AFC East separated from the NFL I'm taking another stab, and planting my green lipped kiss of death on one more team (fans of the winner I do apologize). Here are my musings:

    Giants - I supported them last year but that was more so I could quench my thirst for those delicious sodium packed New England tears. Supporting them twice in a row in the playoffs and I might as well start calling myself "Client 9" to conceal my identity in my Jets marriage. Also, I reap nothing from their victory. The problem is two-fold. First, every time I reveal myself as a Jet fan I'm forced to follow it up with an explanation. "So you're from New York, huh, well congrats on your Giants man, they are awesome!'re a Jet fan?!!?...why?" Second a back-to-back championship and we'll be crossing into arrogant gloating territory. Defending myself to pompous Giant fans "No I swear I was backing you the whole time" will be futile. I know this because it was entirely futile last season and my reasons were more than substantial. The name blasted on Giants stadium already pronounces my inferiority, another win and I'll be referred to as the Giants AAA-affiliate.

    Eagles - I love McNabb and I like Andy Reid. But those fans. It's not the violence that gets me, as far as I'm concerned launching batteries and snowballs at Santa is all well and good (if not really colorful). It's the bitching about the roster. No team outside spygate has had it as good this century, yet every season I'm inundated with Eagles bitching, it's as if it's mandated in the city charter. Philly has tried to cut ties with McNabb for years, and for what good reason? For Kevin Kolb? The guy who threw 3 picks and zero TDs after a 'tie' misunderstanding? I wish the Eagles were saddled with an atrocious QB. For New Year's I made a resolution that Kellen Clemens becomes their Quarterback. Yea, I know it's not really a resolution but I wanted to go fancy this year and trade in my goal for self-improvement into someone's ill will. I admire McNabb, really I do. Because I'm pretty sure the only reason he sticks around is for the possibility of the post Super Bowl celebration. That moment when he's on the podium with his teammates and Roger Goodell. That eternal moment when Goodell hands him the Lombardi trophy and the microphone. As he speaks, joy washes over his face, and the wrinkles ease as years of built up frustration finally let loose. "The fans and the city of Philadelphia...this one's for you" The crowd explodes in excitement. Donovan puts down the trophy, and extends his middle finger to the crowd "I'm out"

    Panthers - I still think Steve Smith hasn't gotten his due for the most overlooked TD celebration of all time: "The Baby Football Wipe." And more than a significant part of me wants him to give the media a chance to make amends by wiping the fecal matter off the Lombardi Trophy before rocking it to bed. But I think it would be a little weird for Jake Delhomme in year 6 of being backup/starting QB to win Super Bowl MVP (and I'm sure he'd still have to show proof of identification at the yearly "SB MVP Luge Outings" held in Lillehammer). Plus, I'm tired of all this "Carolina" crap. Stop trying to be so inclusive. We all know the team is located in Charlotte, so call yourself the "Charlotte Panthers" or the "North Carolina Panthers." I've got a brilliant idea for a team it's called "America Liberty" (located in Los Angeles) but everyone can be a fan, yay!

    Titans - Tennessee has several things going for them. First, they are QB'd by a guy who didn't even have to dress up for his 'drunken sea captain' costume this Halloween. Second, it will be downright delightful to see how much weight LenDale White packs on in the off-season as a champion. If I'm a Chinese food delivery man I'm dropping every one of my menus at his stoop. If Sportsbook doesn't put up that prop bet they are fools, and if they don't put the over/under at at least 35lbs then they are going to get cleaned out. Third, Jeff Fisher deserves it. Management has stuck with him for 15 years, and it'd be nice if they could have their faith confirmed. Yea, it's not funny, but what can I say, I'm a sap for people not getting laid off. Of course, the Titans are also responsible for kneecapping my Jets with delusions of grandeur, and its hard to root for a guy (Albert Haynesworth) who tried to turn Andre Gurode's head into a Jackson Pollock painting.

    Steelers - I like Pittsburgh. They've got a deeply loyal fan base with management that consistently produces a solid honest product on the field. You also have to respect a city that hosts a baseball team that they know full well will never win another title in their lifetimes. There isn't a whole lot not to like. Bonus: another Steelers Lombardi trophy and the odds of Bill Cowher jawing it on the field (and hopefully for my Jets) skyrockets. Still, I like my NFL deeply paritied, and Pittsburgh is starting to infringe on 'piggish territory.' Shivers are going up my spine as I type this envisioning the trademarked chant "one for the other thumb." ooohoooh. Also, I'm not sure how great of a spokesman this makes Ben Roethlisberger for helmet safety. "Yea, I crashed headfirst going 45 with no protection. True I won my second title and Super Bowl MVP a couple years later, and a subsequent $75 million contract extension, but so what? Listen up kids: safety first."

    Chargers - Had this been a few years back they almost assuredly would have been my pick. I love LT. I don't think it can be overstated how amazing it is to hijack a nickname from a legend. Think of how likely it would be for Marquis Jamison to don the acronym "MJ" as a 7'2" Center in the NBA? But did anyone look less excited after their win last week than him? Fact is, LT's broken down and he's been usurped by a 5'5" Sonic the Hedgehog - though I shall note, definitely a feather in their cap. Still, Merriman's absence means the loss of a transcendent defensive player getting his due. Jamal Williams and Antonio Cromartie are great, but not jersey throwing Coca-Cola commercial material. Plus, I have a distinct feeling that Philip Rivers will not be a humble champion. He strikes me as the guy who slaps it on the pinkie, and juts it out whenever he takes a sip of Vitamin Water, or overtly licks the pinkie padding whenever noshing on buffalo wings in the company of Donovan McNabb, Drew Brees, Matt Hasselbeck, Carson Palmer and Dan Marino.

    Ravens - I feel like we've done this before. But even the 2000 team had a future 2,000 yard running back. Hearing a baritoned voice on NFL Films repeating the name Le'Ron McClain 20 times isn't getting me excited. Plus, I want to see an explosive Super Bowl, not half a game of 3 and out with the Ravens D collecting bounties of cracked helmets (see: Necessary Roughness). More importantly, a Ravens Super Bowl cements the likelihood of those dastardly Brian Billick Coors Light commercials being played on loop - plus, a couple of overproduced fresh ones incorporating talking frogs and a hammer swinging Olympian.

    Cardinals - I'm going with the Cardinals for one reason only, and that's for the greatest story in the history of sports (hyperbole my arse) to more ridicululize (sp?) itself. Plus, when Disney comes out with the movie "Kurt Warner: This Story is True. No We Swear" in a few years they'll have to explain the Brenda Warner phone calls, the NY Giants years, and Matt Leinart losing his job because of some well-documented funneling with co-eds. They won't be able to just cut it off with Dick Vermeil and him sobbing together in celebration. And more importantly because after Warner wins for the 2nd time, he'll grab the mic and say "first I'd like to thank God, wait, just so everyone knows...I am God. Don't freak out, calm down, just everybody stay cool, everything is going to be alright, the world is not going to come to an end I promise you. Yea, I am God. I really don't know why you are all surprised, did you really think that some 40-year old stock boy could pull this shit off twice!!! C'mon, I won my first Super Bowl by a yard for Kurt's sake! I created you guys in my own image and frankly I thought you would have been a wee bit more observant. No hard feelings Matt, but I totally Kurt'D you in the off-season, those ladies were angels and I was the photographer. Oh, and I'm going to Disney World. As a matter of fact, I'm there right now, actually I've been there this entire game."

    To subscribe to my blog click here: Subscribe


    They're not exactly explosive, but the Ravens can score this year. I don't see them beating the Titans, though. Nor do I see the Chargers beating the Steelers. But I was wrong about two out of four last weekend.

    Well, now I'm wrong about both the Ravens and the Cardinals. But the Titans sort of gave it away after losing their scatback.

    Kurt Warner as god? Almost plausible. I've been told I look like him. Let me extend the offensive metaphor a bit more: I guess his post-SB years with the Rams, when he was getting pummeled into the ground on nearly every play, would be his crucifixion, the several quiet years with the Giants and Cards grooming two young QBs would be his death, and now we are witnessing his ressurection.

    BTW, Mort, how much did I bet you when you said there was NO WAY the dolphins would make the playoffs and you would take any odds? I think it was a lot right? Oh wait, no, Im confusing that with my bet with our fantasy teams ... DAMN.


    How much more proof do I need:

    (Hat tip to Kissing Suzy K)

    that is a friggin awesome clip ... though it would have been even better if he had drawn himself, like in a 13 jersey and a helmet.

    That is the scariest shirt ever, I'm guessing its a mix of the skin of Judas and scalp of Satan.  Proof that Kurt Warner slays all evil doers.

    All well and good, but could you point me toward any article, published anywhere, or any video of any interview in which Phillip Rivers has ever gloated about winning? Or any of the above in which phillip rivers was anything LESS than humble after a win?

    Sure, he gave as good as he got when some fans were riding him... and gave in kind to Jay Cutler and his cohorts when they were calling him names, but Phillip is ALWAYS humble after wins. And he has NEVER cursed that I have seen... at worst, the guy says things like, "Dagnabbit! Shucks! Darn you!"

    Clearly some people have perceptions that are not based on reality, but on media sensation.

    And those are the best arguments you have against the Panthers? Really? >_>

    Does this mean that God is Christian? Chosen People, my ass. Although did anyone ever really think that Jay Fiedler would win a Super Bowl?

    Latest Comments