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    Dance Dance Nomination, Part II

    This is a three part series. I recommend that you first read Part I, or you will be confused and slightly disoriented. You may experience sensations of nausea.


    I'm now in the rehearsal studio with the Clintons. I'm impressed with their tango. Hillary in particular seems poised and disciplined. They've been drilling the same step for half an hour. Bill seems like he's fading a bit, and they've agreed to take a break to answer a few questions:

    Genghis: Hillary, how do you feel about exchanging the remaining primaries for a dance off?

    Hillary: Oh, I'm very excited. People think that I like attacking Barack all the time, but honestly, I'm sick of all the negativity. This will be a much more fun way to win the nomination. It's also a chance for the American people to see my fun, passionate side.

    Genghis: I didn't know that you had a fun, passionate side.

    Hillary: [Cackles] Just wait until we hit the dance floor. You're going to see some fun, and you're going to see some passion.

    Genghis: Bill, be honest with me. Does she have a fun, passionate side?

    Bill: You know, Genghis, Hillary is very hard worker, and we've got a great relationship on the dance floor.

    Genghis: Hillary, many Democrats would like to see you dance with Barack. What do you think about that?

    Hillary: I think that Barack and I would make a great team. He'd be terrific follower.

    Bill: And I could dance with Michelle.

    Hillary: Actually, Bill will be locked in a closet for the duration of my administration.

    Bill: With Michelle?

    Hillary: Absolutely not, but Silda Spitzer has requested that we put Eliot in there with you.

    Genghis: Um, what about the breakdance competition? Hillary, I didn't even know that you could break.

    Hillary: Actually, I have lot of breakdancing experince. During Bill's administration, Sinbad and I started breakdancing initiatives in battle zones like Bosnia, Nothern Ireland, and Detroit. But I don't want to set expectations too high. The breakdance is Barack's competition. The ballroom and freestyle are really the most important competitions and speak to my ability to win a national election.

    Bill: You know, Jesse Jackson was also a great breakdancer.

    Genghis: So Hillary, you're confident that you'll win this thing.

    Hillary: Absolutely. I've been dancing in Washington for 35 years. You know, John McCain is also a great dancer, and I look forward to tangoing with him. I'm just not sure Barack is ready for this kind of competition.

    Genghis: I'll let you get back to your rehearsal, but I have to ask you about your performance piece and the Harping Hydra of Hillary Hate. How did you come up with the concept?

    Hillary: Well, as you know, I get a lot of abuse from the press and from other people. Sometimes it just makes me so mad! And you can't say all the things that you really want to say, so you know, I fantasize. I imagine myself with a machete, just hacking all their heads off. This piece allows me to express the anger that I feel and to act out my fantasy, but it's art you know, so it's OK. There are a lot of Americans who have to fight every day just to get by, and I think that they'll be able to really relate to this piece.

    Genghis: I'm sure they will. I wish you the best of luck.


    I'm with the Obamas now at their rehearsal space. The Obamas are working on the Macarena. Barack tries to teach me, but I'm hopeless. We take a break for a little Q-and-A...

    Genghis: Barack, we've been hearing from Hillary that you're not ready for the competition. How do you respond to that?

    Barack: Genghis, I respect Hillary's long career and her dancing abilities, but I think that most Americans understand that dancing is about the moves, not the experience. Understand this: In 2002, President Bush asked the Legislature to do a little hokey pokey and turn itself around. Hillary put her whole self in. That's what it's all about.

    Genghis: What about the criticism that you're all moves and no substance?

    Barack: Just moves? Was it just moves when Fred and Ginger tore up the screen in The Gay Divorcee? Just moves when John Travolta discoed our brains out in Saturday Night Fever? Just moves when Patrick Swayze dirty danced in the lake with Jennifer Grey before she got that nose job, and she was wearing a white cotton top...

    Genghis: OK...let's move on. Would you be willing to dance with rogue leaders like Ahmadinejad of Iran without preconditions?

    Barack: Understand this, I would dance without preconditions, although Senator Clinton is right that there has to be preparation. It is very important for us to make sure that there was a program, and on that program were dances that reprepresent our interests, such as the Macarena and YMCA and the Safety Dance. And that preparation might take some time.

    Genghis: What about Vladmir Putin? Can you handle him? They say that his YMCA routine is unsurpassed among world leaders.

    Barack: I'm not worried about Putin. He was a KGB agent. By definition he doesn’t have soul.

    Genghis: I believe that's Hillary's line.

    Barack: Whatever.

    Genghis: Speaking of soul, I hear that you're quite the b-boy. Where did you learn to break?

    Barack: Hawaii. We had to break on the beach, which wasn't easy. Too much friction. There's still sand embedded in my scalp. I'll discuss this more in my next memoir, Wet Dreams of My Son. But my greatest breakdancing inspiration was Reverend Wright, who is like a like a crazy, racist, politically embarrassing, breakdancing uncle to me.

    Genghis: Interesting. So I've heard that you intend to put 50,000 performers in an olympic size pool. Is that accurate? I have to say, I don't see how that's possible.

    Barack: We're not releasing our numbers right now, but let's just say that there will be a lot of supporters in that pool. Understand this, in Washington people like to tell you what you can't do. They said that we couldn't win the nomination with a message of hope. Now they're saying that we can't fit 50,000 people in a pool. Tell him, Michelle...

    Michelle: Yes, we can.

    Genghis: Have you ever done this before?

    Barack: As an organizer in Chicago, I set up a synchronized swimming team to offer hope to poor kids. The only available pool on the south side was a wheelbarrow of dirty water. Thousands of kids wanted to participate, so we had to get creative.

    Genghis: Well, I look forward to seeing the routine. One last question, many Democrats would love to see you partner with Hillary on the dance floor, and Hillary has indicated that she's open to the idea. How about you?

    Barack: I don't get that, Genghis. First she says that I can't dance, then she wants me to be her dance partner. What kind of invitation is that?

    Genghis: As President would you choose Hillary as a dance partner?

    Barack: I respect Hillary. She would be on anyone's dance list. But I don't think that we dance to the same drum, exactly.

    Genghis: In other words?

    Barack: Tell him, Michelle...

    Michelle: No she can't.


    Tune in tomorrow for live blogging of the exciting conclusion in Dance Dance Nomination, The Finale.

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