The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
    Mortimus's picture

    Mortstradamus: NFL Predictions (I'm liable to alter at any point)

    By Mortimus on Thu, 11/13/2008 - 5:54pm | Sports

     

    "Yapping Early" - The biggest no-no for any legitimate Jet fan. 


    So with my team first in the division I'll pass on my "get to gloat free" card. But let it be known that this round of predictions is in honor of the Jets manufacturing the biggest boot-stomping I've ever been a witness to last week (eat it Deadman). And with just 2 hours to go until the Thursday game drains my cloud located in sector 9, I'm jotting these down as my last words before I go all Bruce Banner on any folks I hear using "aaa's" a little too freely. Gaaat it? 

    So please raid your piggie bank and your obliterated 401(K) and lay it all on the line, because if you can't trust an angry green mutant locked up in a deserted cage, well then really who can you trust?

    NFL Playoffs
    Division Winnders
    Jets (Gloat Gloat) 
    Denver 
    Baltimore (Bye) 
    Titans (Bye) 

    Steelers
    Colts


    Giants (Bye)
    Minnesota
    Carolina
    Arizona (Bye)

    Tampa Bay
    Dallas


    AFC Wild Card: Jets beat Steelers, Colts beat Denver
    NFC Wild Card: Dallas beats Minnesota, Carolina beats Tampa Bay
    AFC Division Championship:  Baltimore beats Jets, Colts beat Titans
    NFC Division Championship: Giants beat Dallas, Arizona beats Carolina
    AFC Championship: Colts beat Baltimore
    NFC Championship: Arizona beats Giants
    Super Bowl: Colts beat Arizona

    I don't care if the Colts are 5-4 now, because I like how this season is playing out for them. They always get a little cozy with early season victories and wind up a little like 'Stay-Puff' by the end (Ignore 2007 mmmkay). Nothing builds character quite like Injuries to Clark, Saturday, Addai and Manning, oh and the lack of the "Golden Boy's" presence adds a U-Haul of character. 

    The Cardinals are nasty. I mean that in many ways. Watch them legitimately try to decapitate Michael Robinson on the last play of the game against the 49ers. I sincerely mean decapitate. Three lineman ripped his helmet right off and if his cranium would have come along for the ride they would have paraded around the field with it like they were in "Mortal Kombat." That's the sign of a champion folks (at least in the NFC).  div>

    Still, Manning is the coolest cat in this league and the Cards are a little too inexperienced. So
    I'm selling out.


    CFL Playoffs
    Rams
    Chiefs
    Lions
    Bengals

    CFC Division Championship: Lions beat Bengals
    KFC Division Championship: Rams beat Chiefs

    Toilet Bowl: Lions beats Rams

    Frankly, I don't think the Chiefs should be in this discussion anymore. Thigpen is playing out of his mind in the spread-offense and Bowe and Charles could provide a decent nucleus in the future. The Bengals have been awful but that's cause Carson has been out. The Lions and Rams have no excuses. The Rams couldn't even pick Favre off a single time for goodness sake, and Lions fans have been dressed in grocery bags for five weeks now. With the US auto business on the fritz, this team is like ancient Taiwanese 'salt-wound' torture.

    MVP: Kurt Warner
    The greatest story never told enough. If Kurt Warner revealed himself tomorrow as being the son of God, 37% of me would say "yea, that makes sense."  

    Defensive Player of the Year: Albert Haynesworth
    The originator of the "boot stomp," proves once again that in the NFL if you play well enough you can pretty much kill somebody and get away with it.

    5 Other Predictions:
    The Titans will lose one of their next two games
    Jay Cutler is NFL MVP in 2009
    Drew Brees will set the NFL single-season record for passing yards
    The Phillies championship will be forgotten when the city burns after a Week 14 loss to the Giants
    The Lions don't win a single game this year (Bet on it)

    5 Predictions Not Making The Cut:
    Goldie Hawn will anchor the Lions "Wildcat Offense"
    Tom Brady will be a very special guest host on "Mad TV"
    The Rams hand over play-calling duties to "Deep Blue" 
    The Phillies championship will be remembered by Sunday
    Frank Caliendo's 'Joe Flacco' impersonation receives rave reviews

     

    Topics: 
    Sports

    Comments

    I like your Colts prediction - that's out on a big limb, but their schedule is favorable and there's no one in the AFC - Titans included - that poses a threat to Manning's clutchness (man, did I just say that? remember a couple of years ago, he never won the big ones - now even his brother is clutch!)

    The Cardinals? That's even too big of a limb for me - that team they barely won against was the 49ers, in case you forgot. If Warner stays healthy they have a shot, tho. the good news is they'll be able to rest him for at least a week since they'll have that division wrapped up in 3 weeks.

    I think Atlanta could get themselves a bye. i still think dallas could implode, so i think this year the 2 wild cards come from the NFC south.

    i think you're putting too much faith in the ravens. i think the steelers hold onto to that division, and watch out for miami sneaking in the playoffs. they have a cupcake schedule (and don't hate on pennington!)

    nice win tonight, mortimus!! could the REAL golden boy (he's now kind of the gray geezer) bring you back to the promised land????


    by Deadman on Fri, 11/14/2008 - 12:54am

    Yea, two straight Super Bowl MVPs sort of takes the "Manning Choke" label off the table. I'm picking the Colts because I don't think the Steelers have enough, Flacco can't win 4 straight in the playoffs (I don't care how well he's been playing so far) and I think the Titans are getting a little ahead of themselves. That leaves the Jets...and well I'm just not going to say anything. The Cardinals are ferocious and their offense is top-3 and Warner has been there before. I think the Giants are very good but I just can't envision them repeating. If the Cowboys get on track I might have to alter the call, but as of right now I'm putting my money on them. Also, I think the 49ers are much improved since Singletary took over, so that game didn't make me nervous. P.S. I have to keep this interesting. It'd be a pretty lame post if I just said Giants/Titans, no? P.P.S. No chance the Dolphins make the playoffs.....no chance. Name any odds you want and I'll make that bet with you. P.P.P.S That game was insane. If you could have been a fly on the wall watching the interaction with me, Halie and the TV set your week would have been made. "Halie, Morty and the Jets game" should be a reality show. The ups and downs would more than fill a half-hours worth of drama. I think you really got shortchanged with the blowout against the Rams.


    by Mortimus on Fri, 11/14/2008 - 11:53am