Michael Wolraich's picture

    Blue-Collar Boot Camp

    Perhaps you've heard of Barack Obama's shocking condescension to the good working people of small town Pennsylvania and Hillary Clinton's courageous defense of their blissful collective mental health. We Democrats, it seems, have a problem connecting with the happy little working people, which is a bit of a shame because their votes would really come in helpful this November. They used to be our little people, you know, before Reagan stole them away from us with his family values sham. I think it's time to get them back. That's why I've created the Biennial Blue-Collar Boot Camp for Elite Democrats. Our intense regimen is designed to transform progressive political candidates from snobby elites to regular guys and gals in an efficient and scientific manner. After 48 hours at our facility in the backwoods west of Scranton, we guarantee that your appeal among hicks, rednecks, trailer trash, and assorted working class riff-raff will improve by at least 57%.

    2008 Biennial Blue-Collar Boot Camp for Elite Democrats

    ELIGIBILITY: Open to registered Democrats only

    COST: $8000 (cash upfront required)



    9:00am Registration

    9:30am Pledge of Allegiance. Cheat sheets provided.

    10:00am Voice Training. Perfect diction can be scary for people can't speak properly. Our voice trainers will help you discover your inner drawl and teach you how to violate grammatical rules in a folksy manner. They will also help you to adopt colloquial idioms and mispronounce big words convincingly.

    12:00pm Lunch: Food Stamp Simulation. Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches

    1:00pm Resume Padding. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be the son of a mill worker. We'll help you emphasize those aspects of your biography that appeal to the working class. Childhood vacations in Appalachia? Grandparents from Kansas? Shot your sister with a BB gun? These elements can become the critical foundations for your new working class background.

    2:30 Talking Points. We'll help you choose the right issues to enhance your blue-collar appeal, including NAFTA repeal, immigration restrictions, gun rights, and big ass 10 commandments monuments in every courtroom, classroom, and bowling alley. We'll also give you tips on post-election strategies to ensure that none of these positions actually pass, but the opposition party receives the blame.

    3:30pm Sensitivity Training. Our role-playing exercises will help you to put yourself in the shoes of working class people so that you can avoid condescending and insensitive remarks.

    4:30pm Recreation: Snowmobiling (weather permitting). Experience the intense joy of hurtling at 100 mph and 120 decibels through a previously silent forest covered in once virgin snow.

    6:30pm Dinner: Small Game Night. Smorgasbord of squirrel, possum, rabbit, and raccoon

    8:30pm Beer Tasting. Learn to appreciate the subtle differences between PBR, Coors, Miller, and Budweiser.

    9:30pm Recreation: Bowling


    8:30am Breakfast: Grits

    9:30am Church

    11:00am Religious Study. You don't have to be a Bible scholar to impress working class people with your faith. Solemn words about the importance of God in your life and a few well-placed biblical allusions are sufficient establish your religious bona fides. We'll also help you find the right church. Baptism and Methodism are preferred, but any mainstream Protestant sect other than Episcopalianism or Quakerism is acceptable. Catholicism is not ideal but will suffice. Contrary to received opinion, it's OK to belong to a black church, but it must be a happy, gospel-singing black church, as seen in movies like Sister Act. If you belong to any other faith, we recommend that you consider conversion. Islam and Sikhism (which, as both involve turbans, are indistinguishable to working people) are right out.

    12:00pm Lunch: Adventures With Grease. Fried chicken, fried steak, fried catfish, fried green tomatoes, fried freedom fries. For dessert, fried Snickers bars and fried ice cream.

    1:00pm Fashion Make-Over. This lesson is loads of fun. Replace that tie or pantsuit with jeans and a sports jersey. Cowboy boots optional. The trick is authenticity. Done incorrectly, you end up looking like a New York hipster. Our hair stylists will show you how to get by with a $10 haircut. We also recommend that African-American participants undergo some skin-lightening treatment.

    2:30pm Lecture: The Nature of the Working Class Mind. Top psychologists discuss the latest advances in cognitive study of the mind of the working person. The cortex is generally smaller than those of elites and atrophied from lack of use. The emotional centers are neurologically bound to key issues, like gun ownership and immigration. We'll show you how to stimulate these nerve centers with appropriate application of key words and phrases.

    3:30pm Hunting 101. We'll teach you to hunt grouse, partridge, deer, and small varmints. Game will be confined to cages and heavily sedated, so you're guaranteed to bag something.

    5:30 Sports Appreciation. Learn the finer points of popular working class spectator events, including Nascar, monster truck rallies, pro-wrestling, and blowing shit up.

    6:30pm Celebratory Dinner: McDonald's

    8:00pm Campfire: Gather with your fellow candidates to sing Christmas jingles and classic participatory chants, including "Tastes Great, Less Filling" and "Wazzup!". Group hug.

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