I stood by him when he defended his racist minister and threw his dear grandmother under the you-know-what. I dismissed his terrorist connections and shady real estate deals. I defended his FISA cave and his faith-based whatevers. I even excused his bowling. But I have just learned that Barack Obama is anti-humor, and as I am a lifelong member of humoritarian wing of the Democratic party, I have no alternative but to offer my vote to someone else this November.

I know that you Obamanauts will say that it's no big deal. You'll drone on about the war and abortion and the environment and blabbelyblabla. But this party was built on humoritarianism. When Whig candidate Benjamin Harrison's supporters yelled out "Tippecanoe and Tyler Too," the Democrats had a witty and memorable rejoinder: "Ripsey Rampsey, Rumpsey Dumpsey, Colonel Johnson Shot Tecumseh." ROFL. We've been the party of funny ever since. The Republicans have Limbaugh, Coulture, and O'Reilly. We have Stewart, Colbert, and Kinky Friedman. Without the funny, we'd be the party of quixotic campaigns, petty bickering, and endless self-examination. With the funny, we're the party of quixotic campaigns, petty bickering, endless self-examination, and the funny.

The sad truth is that the Republicans have been closing the funny gap recently. Funniest primary candidate this year? Squirrel-poppin' Mike Huckabee, Republican. And John McCain is no funny slouch either. "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran."  LOL. That's what I call humoritarian. Even better than "Rumpsey Dumpsey." Or remember this gem: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno." I choked on my coffee when I heard that one. Or I would have if I drank coffee. It was more like a dry heave. It is true that G.W. isn't much of a jokester, but he has nonetheless fostered humoritarianism by nobly sacrificing his own gravitas to provide fodder for the stand-ups. Indeed, I suggest that the greatest gains in the history of the humoritarian cause have been made under his administration.

As the Republicans surge, the Democrats cut-and-run. Faced with painfully unfunny nominees like Gore and Kerry (he of the "botched joke"), we take the stealth approach. "Of course," we knowingly assure one another, "I've heard that [insert Democratic politician] is very funny in person." Even Hillary Clinton was rumored to be "funny in person." But Barack Obama? He's anti-funny. Too lofty, too gravitas-y, too--you know--black-y. Yes, I know, he did Letterman's top 10, and he did that stand-up thing during the primary. But really, he shouldn't quit his day job. For crying out loud, the man uses proper grammar. How are we supposed to make jokes about a black man with good grammar?

Last week, the proud New Yorker took a stand. The editors of that citadel of American humoritariansim, whose cartoons have caused liberal elites to chuckle condescendingly for generations, refused to surrender to the anti-funny forces destroying our way of life. And what did the Obamanauts do? They threw the New Yorker under the b-word. LIBERALS THREW THE NEW YORKER UNDER THE B*$&#!!! That's like Hindus throwing the cow under the elephant. I never thought that I would live to see the day. I am ashamed. I am appalled. I am really frigging POed. No, I will never vote for McCain even though he can run in funny circles around Obama. But I cannot in good conscience offer my vote to an anti-humoritarian villain who would deny us our constitutional right to think that things are funny. In protest, I will write in someone with a funny name. Like Barack Hussein Osama.