Quinn returned to Marhaut after having a rather romping time with the previous hedge hogs. It never occurred to him that you could have a romping time with previous hedge hogs. Just as he returned, Marhaut awoke.

Laddy, I must have dozed off. I feel so rested. And I had this strange dream about hedge hogs and pyramids. We should probably continue on our quest before it gets too late.  We have about a day and a half of riding left. But, I am really hungry.

Quinn reached into his carry all. A carry all is something that you can carry almost everything in.  That is different from a carry-on. But I guess I am carrying on here.

Quinn pulled out a grand leg of turkey and some cranberry sauce and even some vegetables for his master.  Marhaut was extremely grateful but as he supped he inquired as to where Q had found this great feast.  Quinn told his whole fantastic story and then showed M the fifty ounces of gold he had procured as his part of the bargain with his favorite hedge hog.  

Marhaut replied, we are rich boy. Geez, this money smells like turkey and perfume.  Where did the perfume come from? 

Q had kind of omitted the part about the fair maidens, but with all that gold, Marhaut did not really care what it smelled like.

The pair were a mere two or three miles from their destination, when they perceived smoke rising from the village.  A thunderous roar could be heard coming from the area of the smoke and they could hear peasants screaming for their lives. They went into a gallop and reached Warwick forthwith.  In the midst of the village was a 20 foot tall Braggon.

Now, a Braggon is a cross between a dragon and a blaggart. It has big ears and carries a stupid vacant look. Kind of like w. It does not breath fire, because no living thing can breath fire out of its mouth, that is just silliness. I know because Eduardo explained it to me. The monster had three legs but only two of them reach the ground. It is usually greenish blue but this braggon is more of a purple. It had one horn and one eye on the left side of its face. Kind of made it look like it was winking all the time. And it had a great roar that would scare anyone who had not made it to mass that morning.

The Braggon strutted and fretted and fretted and strutted and made all sorts of obscene gestures, kind of like the people on Fox Network when the election returns were being reported. And it smelled terrible.  Birds flying by were dropping to the ground. And Musquitos arrived in droves-that means a whole bunch-like they had just found a manure farm.

Children were screaming and running.  They did that a lot anyway in Warwick but this time they weren't  doing it voluntarily.  And mothers were crying and wailing. Now they normally did not do much of that-except on pay day after their hubbies returned from the local pubs.

The two knights (now I know the pair really comprises one and a half knights, but Marhaut told me it makes Q feel better this way) alit from their steeds and confronted the Braggon with their swords and with scowls on their faces and determination in their eyes.

I can see the determination in yous twos eyes, but I fear not because I am taller than you and I have three legs whereas yous twos only have two. Bragged the Braggon. Come on you sissies.
I will kick your arses all the back to New Brighton.

Quick, we must do something, I hate the beltway. Marhaut was known as the Giant of Ireland because of his height and strength.  He attacked one of the Braggon's legs, one of them that reached the ground. Marhaut's strength was renowned throughout the kingdom. He had even been mentioned in GQ magazine, on page 7.  His sword cut the giant just above his ugly green boots and he let out a roar.  And this was no Tony Tiger roar. I mean this was one heck of a roar. Like that Imhof guy from Oklahoma when he talks about global warming.  But it is hot in Oklahoma most of the time so I think the senator has nothing to worry about. I mean he is aclimated.  But enough of that.

The Braggon had been caught off guard and Q took a swing at the blaggard and mistakenly hit the third leg that never hits the ground.  And all at once, the giant fell onto the ground with a mighty thud.  Not like a bad movie-wait a minute that is a dud-oh never mind. There was a great hole made in the ground whereeth he had fallen, face down with his extra leg swaying back and forth in the air.

Marhaut looked at Q and shook his head.  This poor monster probably had a very sad childhood, with the third leg and everything. The other monsters probably laughed and him and took his lunch money. He was a great warrior but I am afraid we are all better off that he is dead.    

All of a sudden, the third leg that had been sticking out of the ground like the crescent shaped boar tusk out of the Royal ass, began growing and growing and then it became a magnificent tree.And the snow began to fall, and this was the beginning of Christmas trees at Warwick And no matter how hard the infidels protested, the Christmas trees still stand to this day.

The townspeople all came around their new heroes.  Cheering and crying and dancing. The Sheriff of Warwick, who had been hiding in Dundee's Pub, where he hid most of the time, approached the one and a half knights, Do either of you have a license to carry those swords?

Q looked at Marhaut and Marhaut at Q.  What!!!

You need a license to carry weapons in this peaceful town.

What name do you go by Sheriff?

I am Shane, the hero of the western parts.

Where were you while this monster was burning and eating your town? Where were you you yellow pants pissy trousered mug? Q asked.  Q was more prone to attack authority. For instance, if you cite Kant, he might review the passage and put it into a finer context, thereby destroying your argument He is an Oxford man, after all.

What's your last name Shane?

We do not have last names here. I am simply Sheriff Shane of Warwick.

Come on, Come on. Some truth here is greatly needed.

Fuckjob. Shane Fuckjob.

Well Listen here Fuckjob.  (Sorry, Denero got two two hour films with that ridiculous line)

You two are under arrest for arms violations.

Well you did not arrest the Blaggon for leg violations. It must be against the laws of this fair shire with an extra leg.

The villagers congregated around the three men. They all started screaming, off with his head. Off with his head.

See, the sheriff said, they want one of your heads for disobeying the law.

No you fuckjob. Off with your head. Yeah, yeah, the crowd yelled.

The sheriff would have pulled out his gun, but guns would really not be in vogue for more than a thousand years and his deputy-Deputy Sheriff Dawg-was dead drunk in the pub and therefore the sheriff decided: This shall be declared a day of Amnesty, Welcome oh Heroes to our Shire.  The Sheriff really liked to capitalize things when he was attempting to make a point and cover up his own inadequacies.

And there was a village fair, and lots of grog and mead and many dancers and singers, and farm animals. But no elephants or tigers because they never show up until the county fair.
Celebrating Marhaut and Quinn.

On the journey home, Marhaut pulled out his trusty Lyre and began singing:

We slew a one eyed one horned
Flying purple people eater
One eyed one horned flying purple people eater
What a sight to see

Well he was burning the town
He was stomping the ground
He spread fear all around
So

We slew a one eyed on horned
Flying purple people eater
A one eyed one horned flying purple people eater
It was just that e e e easy

Quinn turned to Marhaut, laughing.  The monster never flew anywhere.

These poems are not that easy to write you know.  You have to make them scan.


We return to the good people at Camelot, because I think it is their turn.

A scrivener was present during all the meetings of the top management at Camelot.  A diary so to speak encapsulating the main points made during all the great discussions that ensued. Because a full turkey dinner with all the trimmings were made available at these meeting, Blaise's assistant Tom, Son of Wolf, wrote a book entitled "The Right Stuffing."

Merlin began, the tournament shall be of the utmost importance to our King and to all the realm.

We shall make sure that the top ten will be present for the proceedings:

Sir Lancelot du Lac
Sir Tristan
Sir Marhaut
Sir Gawain
Sir Palidan
Sir Dobbs
Sir Kay
Sir Ban
Sir Bors
Sir Quinn

But Quinn has not even been dubbed yet. Bedivere said.

The Archbishop was here to hear the confession of our King and he Knighted the Quinn last night.  The great deeds of Quinn are being sung throughout the kingdom. Besides he and Marhaut just paid ten ounces of gold in income taxes. These two are money makers. Let me tell you. Said Blaise. For a blind man, he was really good at counting.

Blaise the Certified Counter of the Realm, continued. We shall make great monies at this tournament.  Each family attending must contribute two hundred Euros for the greater seats next to the pavilions. We shall sell the Royal Mead for Five pence, and we shall tax all the food on a stick at a two per cent rate.  We can take these monies and bundle them into great assets and invest in the New Europe. And eventually, this will give us another reason to invade Europe...

Well you can deduce the rest.

Fine, fine, we are all in it for the gold so to speak. Bedivere interjected. He found that if he did not interject from time to time, the blind countant would just continue and sleep would cover the land.

We now turn to Beau Manes and his tryst with Sir Kay.

Ok Beau, now thou knowest the secrets of the refrigeration hole. We had dug a great hole and then we put ice from the lakes in the winter into the whole in sheets and put hay between the layers of ice. We have venison, and potatoes and other veggies ready for the eating. Fowl is always available and that is why they call it foul. But we always keep these stores.

We get extra venison from Little Johnson and his forest band and give them ten pence and then we charge the Royal Purse thirty pence. That way we, er, can procure the best in cutlery and coffee pots. I call it out sourcing. LJ does all the work and we make money. Pretty good eh?

Just then Ink the scrivener appeared from behind the drapes. And with him came Sir Bedivere and the master at arms. You are under arrest Sir Kay, and you will not be able to steal from this Kingdom any longer.

But Bedivere, we have been with Arthur from the beginning and we have fought with him in every battle. Look, His blood still appears on my kerchief. I have given my all for Arthur and for you. How could you do something like this to me. To us, really. If I am not safe, how safe are you. You remember 9/11/01? Remember how Horst and Hengst attacked Camelot and all seemed lost? How our women were ravaged and we never even received the normal pimping fees?  Remember how we attacked Horst and Hengst after that and hit their left flanks. And how our soldiers got to their center flanks, and really caused damage. Nudge, nudge, if you know what I mean.

Kay, we are a country of Laws and not men. We must apply all the laws equally. Justice demands it.

Bedivere, Bedivere, We must look forward and not backward.  Think of all the time presenting evidence. And did you bother to get a warrant for your secret scrivener to take down my words?

Beau, take this animal down to the dungeon.