(Notice, no animals were harmed in the creation of this thread)

Announcer: And now welcome to Meet the Heralds with Sir Gregory

Hi I am Sir Gregory and I would like to welcome all you heralds in the audience for this segment of Meet the Heralds.

Today our guest is Sir Bedivere, Chief of Staff for Our great King and Master Arthur. Today we are going to discuss a number of issues confronting our country today.

Thank you for joining us Sir Bedivere.

Good to be with you Monkey Face.

Uh, I would ask that you address me with some acknowledgment of my knighthood and forget the familiarities outside my present station as chief herald of Camelot.

I am mighty proud of you mon....Sir Gregory.

Fine. Sir Bedivere we have received notices of a new X point plan from our esteemed King Arthur, Defender of the Faith. How are the different points coming? Let us first ask you about the public road program.

Our public roads initiative is the best this side of the Tiber. We are putting peasants to work. We are providing the best avenues-so to speak-for moving our goods throughout the realm.

I have a few questions here. Now your cousin, Bedson, is a merchant involved in the sale of cobblestone and shovels. Is that not correct?

Sir Bedivere, very suavely, moved close to Sir Gregory and whispered: Monkey Face if you do not lay off this subject right now. Well, there is some fill we need for a large sink hole upon the old country Roman Road XXII and do you know what?  A man about 6'4", like you would fill it just perfectly. Now would you like to personally become part of the our new road program?

Sir Gregory, taken aback, continued: Uh, thank you for clearing that up Sir Bedivere. Your cousin Bedson has a fine reputation up in these parts.

Now it is time to take a short break in favor of some of our financial backers and we will be right back.


The same three heralds from the beginning of the presentation appear in the background with three long horns announcing the paid message carrier. A bard appears with a lyre and begins to sing:


Follow the old Roman Road
Follow the old Roman Road
Follow it follow it follow it follow it
Follow the old Roman Road
 Go north about a mile and a half
From the very old Celtic Church
If ever you need a nice neat bed
That's enough travel tonight you said
You'll find what you need at Lurch
Lurch's Inn where we treat the peasant
With the finest of pheasants!!!


Thank you for your patience and make sure to stop off at Lurch's Inn.

Now Sir Bedivere, There is talk about Sir Kay, the step brother of our Greatest Leader, King Arthur.  He is the Seneschal of the Kingdom and no one has seen nor heard from him for a couple of fortnights. Can you fill us in on his whereabouts.

I am so glad you asked me that monkey face. Sir Kay has suffered a bad case of the gout. So he has taken a leave of absence and his esteemed step brother has arranged for his transfer to an island off of Italy.  And the last word is he is recovering just fine. Just fine. Understand or would  you like to discuss our road program again?

Uh, yes. Thank you for that Sir Bedivere.

Now we turn to our panel. Sir Will from the County Turd Expo, Sir Stephano from The Weekly Whore and Sir Schaefer from the Lakewood Cemetery Herald.  Good morning gentlemen.

What is your take Sir Will from Country Turd about the X point program?

Well Sir Gregory, once more taxpayer monies are simply being used to put the peasants to work. As if the lower classes have something to offer. If the peasants wish to change their status, why do they not play baseball? And this new fad about global cooling, WELL.  There are shamans I know that have totally disproved any scientific data relating to this made-up phenomena. And this should be a country matter not bigger government. We don't need bigger government. This is totalitarianism. I think when Arthur got stuck with that Boar's tusk it hit part of his brain. This is nothing but a liberal conspiracy to make us all communists. Pretty soon the peasants will be demanding medical care and then the........three of the Kings Guards come and take Sir Will away in chains and upside down.

Ok. Lets turn to Sir Stephano. What is your take on this new program.

Well monkey face, I see it this way. Our Great King and Defender of the Faith, Arthur, has a great deal of responsibility and since he speaks directly to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (everybody kneels and blesses themselves) I know that this program is going to work.  Keeping his eyes closely tuned on two more guards standing to the right of the crowd.

All righty then, do you have anything to add Sir Schaefer?

Well, I was there when Our Savior was crucified and I can tell you that Texas is a wonderful state and I would also like to say......three nurses come and take Sir Schaefer away.

Just then, out of the crowd came five men who stood up from the crowd and threw off their over coats and rushed towards monkey face.  They were not men after all but Satyrs and they began singing and dancing:

There's no business like the rumor business
Like no business I know
Everything about it is defeating
Everything about it is reviled
Everything about it stinks so badly
So badly
I know           


There's no faces like monkey faces
There's no faces I know.........

With that the Satyrs jump on Sir Gregory and begin to eat him.

Monkey face is not bad. Tastes something like chicken!!! Noted one of the Satyrs

Meanwhile a short while south of Hadrian Wall:

The six mammals had been proceeding north for some time and were within four or five hours of their destination, when a strange figure appeared on the northern horizon.

He was riding an old nag. He appeared to be in his fifties with a white/gray beard and a piece of metal upon his head that looked like an old bucket. The rest of his armor looked like it was taken off some dead Roman Soldier and he carried some discarded jousting pole. But he carried it with the dignity of a knight, straight up in the air and atop the pole was a lady's kerchief.

Sir Palidan, Sir Gawain and Sir Moshe were impressed actually. They could tell from his carriage and his gait, especially considering the age of his horse.

Senor Eduardo gasped upon seeing the stranger. Oh no. Not him.

Why dost thou sayest that, Senor Eduardo?  Sir Gawain asked.  Sir Palidan rarely responded to the gasps of his steed. All Sir Paladin could think was, do you really wish to get into this with him right now?

I am sure that this is Sir Quixotic from the Iberians. He is a few years younger than God and seeks a Quest that is...otherworldly to say the least.
?
Well I know nothing of that. But this knight tis truly of royal blood. His battles may be long past but he deserves some honor, an homage to say the least. Said Gawain.

They approached the Knight.  Art thou Sir Quixotic? Inquired Sir Paladin.

Oh, yes, yes, quite, quite so, yes, yes. And who pray tell are thou three great knights, though I can tell.

I am Sir Palidan, this is Sir Moshe and this Sir Gawain.

Oh I hast heard of the great Sir Gawain. The man whose strength grows and grows to a point twice as much as the normal knight by noon and yet that same strength seems to wane and makes him more mortal by dusk.

And I have heard of the great Moor, Sir Palidan. A knight of great wonder. Great tales have been told of thee.

And Sir Moshe, of the older Testament.

I am greatly honored sirs.

Where art thou headed, here in the middle of nowhere great Knight? Asked the Jew?

I am on a great quest. I have been on this quest for the twelvemonth.  It is the Quest for Justice.

That is all well and fine Sir Quixotic. But are not we all? What pray tell dost Justice look like? Inquired Sir Gawain.

It is the most beautiful lady in the world. She has the most beautiful breasts and the most shapely of figures. She has long and flowing hair of the yellowest of color. And she wears the prettiest of clothes, clothes that drape over her beautiful body. And she sings, she sings the most wonderful of songs. Songs that free the human soul.

But what do you do once you find her? Asked Sir Palidan.

I will worry about that as the time arises. Said Sir Quixotic.

And with that, there appeared to the east an old woman on a horse, a great white steed. She was wearing the most common of clothes and one look at her and the eye caught a fading beauty that once was.

There? Sir Quixotic shouted.

With that the woman looked over and espyed Sir Quixotic and broke into a full gallop, turning to the South.  And Sir Quixotic, patting his grayish steed call out: HI HO SILVER, AWAY.

And off the old man went.

Surely, they do not make them like that anymore. What a sight to behold. A sign from our God, noted Gawain.

You can say that again, responded Sir Palidan, and do not call me Shirley.

Our heroes proceeded on their quest north. Sir Moshe noted that they were headed in the opposite direction of the old woman.