Two hedgehogs are wandering through the grass, following a knight.

Hey Fred.

What Hilda?

There is a wild boar following us. He is scary looking.

They both had picked up the pace a little in their pursuit of Lancelot, but this new straggler began to scare them.

Hold on there, said the Boar.

But you might eat us. And we are afraid.

Oh don't be silly. Hedgehogs give me irritable bowel syndrome and my HMO has been on the fritz for a year.  I just wish to find out what this parade is all about.

Oh, we are on a quest. A fine quest indeed. The Quest for the Holy Pail.

What pray tell is the Holy Pail?

It is the vessel used by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to wash the feet of the poor and dispossessed.

Wouldn't it have helped the poor more if He had just gotten them shoes?

It was symbolic, besides, do you not honor our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Oh, Jesu Christe was always a favorite of mine.  The man liked fish and eschewed pork..

Do you wish to join in the quest, Boar.  Asked Fred.

Yes, yes that would be fine.  I have gone for more of a vegetarian diet anyway and there are plenty of roots and apples on this tour. Said the Boar.

For one errant knight, there sure is a lot of conversation going on here!!! Lancelot noted, as he began to dream of pork chops and apples. Then he recalled the problem concerning tusks.

Within an hour a unicorn joined the parade along with two donkeys and a flock of birds.

Dinosaurs? Are you nuts?  They had been dead for sixty million years. All except those strange monsters in Australia. What are you, one of those gd creationists?  Go up to Politico and leave us alone here. We are into reality here, for chrissakes. (Blesses himself)


Meanwhile, we must cut to the other quest.

Coming from the SE, our bucket head and Beau Manes proceeded on the quest directed by the mini sized king of Cornwall.

Sir Quxotic, how came they by the name Joyous Gard anyway?

Funny story Sir Manes. You know it originated in a story about adultery. Adultery, secrecy, magic and suspense...and...and murder of a sort.  But much more interesting than those old Perry Mason dramas.  I mean who is going to believe that a fat defense attorney is going to win over 220 cases  and lost two or three in a country with a 90% conviction rate?

Uther, the head of the Roman/Celts after the extinguishment of that mad Vortigern came to Cornwall to celebrate with Gorlois, its king. (I know, how do you get a name like Gorlois, and if you did, how would you keep your lunch money in the third grade? Well we are in Corwall and the Cornish do not really know how to pronounce things too well although they are able to cook these fine little birds)  When the festivities were at their height, Uther, drunk and ...and...desirous as they say of female companionship, espied the beautiful Igraine, wife of Gorlois and your grandmother, as a matter of fact.  Anyway, Uther would just not take no for an answer from Gorlois who was in no mood to part with his Celtic wife and had the drunken war lord thrown out of the castle.

Well, Uther, could not stand the shame of it all so he came up with a plan.  He sent a false message to Gorlois about a battle down the road at the Dolorous Gard. After Gorlois left he dressed in Gorlois special armor that Merlin had appropriated for him and snuck into the castle, introducing himself as Gorlois at the gate and throughout the castle.  Then he found Igraine and asked if she wanted to play some hootchy kootchy in constume. And that is how Arthur was conceived. As a matter of fact, just as an aside, that is how a lot of good ideas are conceived.

Neat story, huh? Best exemplified in Excaliber. The opening scene for Malory (Mallory for some)

What is hootchy kootchy? Inquired Beau Manes.

Come on Beau, its your grandmama. Lets move on, shall we?

Well yeah, but what does that have to do with the name Joyous Gard?

Oh that. Really it had to do with a garter that was part of the costuming, so to speak and well,
Joyous Garter became Joyous Gard. Arthur kind of liked that better in memory of his mumsy.

What happened to Gorlois?

Well the story was that Uther had part of his guard attack the king from behind and leave him naked for the wolves.

But there is another story that he owns a pizza joint in Carlyle.  The pizza story makes Arthur's dad look better.

Of a sudden, there was a strange sound coming from a hill just over the horizon.  Of course, if it was a hill, just over the horizon, how could you see it?  Well the old man knew about it from
memory. But thanks for asking, it keeps me honest.

As our heroes approached, there was a....

HO HO HO

THIS IS RIANT

Ho, ho, ho, this is riant? What the hell does that mean? Asked Beau.

Some sort of code I should think. Riant usually means, funny, celebratory.  Unless, unless, .....he is talking about us. I mean our appearance in his territory so to speak.

Just then it began to rain vegetables. Great onions, and peas-the green solid kind-tomatoes and potatoes. Our heroes ran for cover which is hard to do when it is raining hard vegetables and there are no buildings around.

But we are here to save the giant knight's life. What would he throw vegetables at us for? Asked Beau.

I do not think it is him throwing the flora at us. Methinks it is someone else.  This giant that we see is much bigger than the knight we were told about.  Although getting an accurate description in terms of size from a mini sized king, makes one ponder that description. But this giant could never stand on the king's table at Corwall, hell, he could not stand on the Roundish Table and not crush it under his feet.  The two knights crossed themselves immediately as they pondered a crushed Roundish Table.

Just then, the greenish giant began to sing:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey how you doin
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey where you goin

You never question
The words of a stranger
Cause if you did
You would not make me cry
He just said that he was gonna
die die hey hey die die

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey what you doin
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey where you goin    

Give me a break here
It was always my treasure
He just came and then
He broke, broke  my heart
You think you know that he's
A good guy, you wanna help the good guy
A good guy
hey hey hey, good luck

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey what you doin
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey where you goin    

He's got no video
He's go no audio
He cannot even prove
Who his really is
You all might think about
Just think about
Who I am
You wanna know who I am
Who I am
Hey hey

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey what you doin
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
hey hey where you goin    


What is he singing about?  Asked Beau.

What do I care, at least it is no longer raining vegetables, as Sir Quixotic clutched the giant pine.