Statue of King Arthur, Hofkirche, Innsbruck

THE PRIZE

Sir Paulinore paced back and forth as he prepared his speech for the King.

King Arthur, times have changed and something must be done.

Your primary advisers including Sir Cheney of the Monts and Sir Chinchrich of St.George and Sir Parry of the Lowlands and Sir Sanitorum of the Wood and last of all but not least, Dame Brachus of the London Bracchi are all seeking Your Sacred Ear.

Well I plead to have you lend me an ear and hear my plea in favor of our people and against the call for constant war.

These turncoats would have you attack and attack and attack in order to lead our tribes into further war.

War with whom?

Wars with the Angles, wars with the Saxons, wars with the Painted Picts; in short it matters not what tribe is blathered; they wish to war with all and any tribes. It is as if these followers of Mars would take us into eternal warfare without regard to the needs of us Celts and without regard to the needs of us Britons!

Why should we spend our blood; why should we spend our youths; why should we spend our great wealth attacking animals who know not what they do?

When shall we have enough of this combat?

Thou art known far and wide as the Dux Bellorum and thou has vanquished thine enemies in 12 magnificent battles and yet in this time that should be a time of peace thou have been forced—and I know that divine rulers are not forced to do anything—to squander our nation's resources in an effort to clash with savages and barbarians who paint their faces and spindle their hairs and saunter with pride whenst they are nothing but stinking animals with no right to any pride at all.

Remember when Merlin announced at that last battle that made you King?

I WAS THERE THAT NIGHT WITH ARTHUR, THE KING!

Once we stop this incessant aim for conquest; once we cease from making our ultimate purpose that of conquest; once we stop relying on chits for trade and stick with the tried and true metals that have sustained our race for millenia; thence we shall be great once again!

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As Paulinore ranted and raved in the throne room, King Arthur and his entourage were out on the hunt in order to celebrate the coming Feast of the Iowan Celts.

The King had been called out on a quest by a strange green visitor to the Round Table whilst he and his knights were dining and drinking in preparation on this Eve of this great Feast.

The Great Knights of the Table Round always celebrated Feasts on the Eves of those feasts so that they could become, become....greatly oiled in preparation for the Feasts which actually occurred on every single Sunday with the exception of those four strange Sundays in Lent when most knights had to settle for local inns and nunneries and such for their pleasures!

The Green Knight rode directly into the great arena where the Great Table of the Round was located even though the ceilings were rather low in that area of Camelot. He seemed to have come out of nowhere like some pollster requesting signatures on documents that the proposed signatories could not even read!

The Green Knight actually alighted onto the Round Table itself. Even his steed was surprised at this prompt and managed to empty his urinal sac and his bowels at the same time whilst the two foreigners had landed upon the disc.

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

HARK! HARK! HARK!

Gwaine was much discombobulated as almost half of the piss landed upon his shining armor!

Oh get on with it, skip the harks and get right to the point the Knights exclaimed in unison.

Ye have not earned thy feast and thy drink upon the Eve of the Great Feast thou barbarians.

I demand a quest for all those seated at this counter of welfare under the terms and conditions of Camelot's Round Table!

WHAT IS THE NATURE OF THY DEMAND FOR QUEST STRANGE KNIGHT? Inquired the Regal Head of the Table Round.

There is a great wild boar in the nearby wood defaming the Spouse of you my King! He is known as Boar Limbaugh and is exclaiming constantly of the girth of her waist...er...really just under the waste...that curvy part known as the hips and the behind.

I challenge thee all to form a hunting party and seek out this Wild Boar of the Limbaugh Forest and render the ugly creature dead to the world!

WHO SHALT JOIN ME UPON THIS QUEST? Inquired King Arthur.

The knights began to giggle.

WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! Exclaimed the Noble Dux Bellorum.

The assembly became silent at once. In the locker-room much gaity was made of the Queen's Sacred Behind but it was mostly in good fun and with no malice whatsoever!

As a matter of fact, in those days of yore and days of gore a good woman with a healthy behind was a matter of awe—in the awesome sense not the awful sense for heavens sake!

Knights in those days really appreciated something to hang onto as they say....

All the knights, seeing that their laughter might be seen as treachery ceased their gaity and raised their arms in unison:

WE SHALL ACCEPT THE QUEST!

HURRAH, HURRAH, HURRAH!

The King wore a scornful countenance thense, much to the surprise of his trusty leaders of men who broke out into applause.

I love this crowd!

The King and his cadre immediately sent out the word to prepare the steeds for a hunt whilst a serf was sent to Sir Paulimore instructing him to clean up the recent mess created by the Green Knight's horse upon the Table Round!

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Nobody ever listens to me, Sir Paulimore lamented as he scrubbed the great banquet with a toilet brush and some suet!

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The hunting party crossed the moat from the draw bridge and headed for the wood.

It was a starry starry night for the Knights of Camelot but an eerie sound could be heard.

I mean there were always eerie sounds once the sun set from yonder wood but this was really really an eerie sound to behold. (Does one really behold a sound? I dunno, I have to look that up. But of course Wiki has not been invented yet and....)

This is what the knights heard or beheld or experienced or whatever at that time and place:

GUENEVERE HAS A BIG BUTTOX! GUENEVERE HAS A BIG BUTTUS! HA!

The rage upon the King's face had not been witnessed since his victory at the Calidorian Forest whence he met with and vanquished the hairy King of a Hundred Knights!

This countenance drove Arthur's troops to the wood with a vengeance.

Riding, riding and riding on they reached the inner woods seeking the place whence the sound ensued. (So sounds really ensue? How do people write this stuff without Wiki?)

All of a sudden the sound stopped as the entourage reached a still stream; a stream so beautiful that Sir Matthews dismounted and cried:

I FEEL THIS ELECTRICITY COMING RIGHT UP MY LEG!

Those are fireants you idiot, get back upon thy horse, screamed Sir Bors!

Sir Matthews remounted immediately slapping his girths. (What?)

Gwaine suddenly caught a glimpse of one of the most horrendous visions he had ever thereunto envisioned. It was the vision of a huge sloppy ugly obese odoriferous feral creature that was six feet high and seven foot in width. An ugly fog like stream of muck was emanating from its mouth and rear end at the same time.

The King, ready on steed, went forth with Excalibur in his right hand of justice and beheaded the monster without further ado.

Gwaine immediately dismounted and drawing his sword gutted and beheaded the creature with great glee.

Now the troop had a true pig to roast at the great feast of the Iowan Celts!

And the Green Knight proceeded to win all of the ratings wars for the rest of the week!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE