Mortimus's picture


    I would not, could not, in a pinch
    I could not, would not, without a flinch
    I will not bet on them with a mouse
    I will not bet on them with my house
    I will not bet on them here or there
    I will not bet on them anywhere
    I do not believe in Gang Green Madame
    I do not like them, cause Gang Green I am

    That being said: The Jets are the team to beat in the AFC

    Yea, I know that's faux pas #1 in the town of Gang Greenwich, but I'm saying it anyway. I can hear the 3 of you Jet fans on this thread gnawing on the last shred of white on your cuticle screaming "you're jinxing it!!!." Hulksta Please. These last two weeks I've witnessed my team stick it to Chowdaville in Chowdatown in OT after the typical last second dagger, then play Jeeves to the '72 Dolphins champagne toast. I'm selling high. If I can't feel good about my team right now, then when can I? When they win the Super Bowl? Hahaha, c'mon.

    Year after year I hold on to this .com stock. I watch it soar to ridiculous heights on unfounded hype (Blair Thomas is Barry Sanders son!), then ride it all the way down into nothing. The result: an enraged green mutant locked up in a cell, with nothing to show for it! Well, I'm selling a few shares now. This team is good...damn good. Allow me to count the ways: They've finally got their beefy man-beast nose tackle to anchor the 3-4, the O-line is disciplined and powerful, Revis is a shutdown corner, Jones is a tough no-nonsense back, Leon Washington is a game-changing scat back, Dustin Keller is a dynamic security blanket, Kerry Rhodes is on the verge of rock stardom, Cotchery and Coles are clutch good hands receivers, oh and then there's that Favre fellow. Forget the fact that he holds every single passing record he carries one little other distinction: He has a taste for winning.

    Like or not, Jets nation is composed of more weak-kneed, concessionary, pessimists than any other team East of Chicago. We always expect defeat. 1/2 the fun of being a Jet fan is figuring out every game how the crime is going to go down: Pick-7? Missed Field Goal? Fumble on the goal line? 4 broken ankles in a tackle pile-up? Well maybe it's the 460tds or the 12 miles of passing yards, or maybe it's just the Mississippi twang that says "homey don't play that."

    I'll admit this doesn't feel right. To believe that I'm actually supporting a legitimate franchise for some reason makes me feel a little dirty all over. It's like I've just woken up after a crazy night of heavy boozing and I don't recognize the team I've been sleeping with the last 25 years.

    " is awkward."

    "What do you mean?"

    "I'm sorry allow me to introduce name is Mortimus"

    "Yea, I know. I learned that when you embroidered your name on my PJ's for the first time 25 years ago"

    "No you're mistaken. Those weren't your PJ's. Those were PJ's of someone who always promised me heartache and pain."

    "I haven't been loyal to you?"

    "No, no, quite the contrary. My whole life I've always been able to count on you to stab me in the back."

    "I'm confused"

    "Well, it's just that I've gotten so used to being disappointed. And're beautiful. You're everything I've ever wanted.

    "So what's the problem here?"

    "Well, I always knew what I was getting before. But lately everyone respects you and wants to be you. It just makes me confused about what you're going to do next."

    "What are you saying?"

    "Frankly, I just don't think we're compatible anymore."

    True, this is something that probably should be written after the Super Bowl or at least the AFC Championship, but I'm a weak-kneed Jet fan without any white left on my cuticle...just cashing in some shares.


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