Coming from a conservative upbringing, I have long held strong beliefs about marriage and the commitment that comes with eventually destroying said marriage. So when I married more than seven years ago, I set out on a path to make mine the most traditional marriage and divorce as possible.

In the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death, pictures of his corpse have become the most sought after photographs since Britney Spears sans panties.

President Obama's arrogant, pussyfooting refusal to hand over the pictures to the deserving public has spawned a competition among the world's top news publications to obtain the photos.

I'm pleased to announce that dagblog's crack paparazzi ninja-spy, William K. Wolfrum, with his trustee sidekick, his own ego, have succeeded where all others have failed. I hereby present to you the real dead Osama photos:

NEW YORK - On his way to the latest meeting of his multi-level marketing business, Donald Trump stopped and told reporters today he accepts full credit for the killing of Osama bin Laden.

No one has convinced me whether it derives from the Native American name Allatoona, or the German name, Altona, but Altoona is a funny name. George Burns used to quip, "They loved that joke in Altoona!" and I think that proves that Altoona rivals Walla Walla, OshKosh and Burbank for guffaw potential. And it just got funnier. I walked into my daughter's house last weekend, and heard, "Welcome to POM Wonderful."

Turns out the War on Easter was WAY easier than the War on Christmas.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Today is Earth Day.  Ever since 1970 we've been setting aside April 22 to celebrate the birth of the earth. (It also happens to be Lenin's birthday but I promise there is absolutely no connection.  I only mention it because some subversive with a tea cup is sure to bring it up, and I want to be able to say I got there first.)

Talking Points Memo reports that its commenting system has crashed due to a failure at amazon.com.  The failure of Amazon's cloud problem has hobbled Web sites all over the place leaving articles and events uncommented upon.

At the White House, there was much rejoicing.

I found this at John Howley's Green Energy blog. He got it via email and doesn't know who wrote it, so I guess it's one of those things that gets passed around and around.

Just moments after not being able to win back custody of his kids from a wife in rehab, Charlie Sheen shocked the world by coyly mentioning he may consider a run at the White House.

“I know I promised this wouldn’t be political, but look where we f— are, man!” said Sheen. “I would legalize pot. Everywhere. Vending machines, all of it. And subsidize everything.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Using his bare hands, Republican Rep. Paul Ryan choked an 85-year-old woman to death last night, earning praise for his “serious” attempt to balance the United States Federal Budget.

My pal Jan started this yesterday on Facebook with a "Hooray!  Hooray!  It's Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day".  I'm shocked that I didn't know about GCSD.  I love those things!  But when Jan crabbed about her favorite sammich getting the recognition it so richly deserves for only one day, I wondered what I could do to make her feel better.

Here it is!

MY OFFICE – Blogger William K. Wolfrum came out and admitted today what many had long suspected – that he has a masturbation problem.

“Looking at it pragmatically, yes, I do have a problem,” said Wolfrum, unaware of the pun he was about to create. “When times get hard, I go to masturbation.”

FRIDAY FOLLIES: Maine again. Gospel Teens, Homeless Artists, and all that's Rich

Oh, man! Maine's rookie Tea Party governor, Paul LePage can't get a break.  He's still getting all kinds of flack for taking down those nonessential murals showing nothing but the damned hoi polloi, but on top of that, he got word that 63% of the  mural was paid for by a Federal grant and the Feds aren't looking kindly on his hotshot actions.  Seems  he broke an essential clause in the contract that clearly stated he was supposed to notify people and give them a good reason for pulling those murals from those walls, and then those essential people would have to agree.   So if the Feds demand their money back at current market value, which would be higher now with all the attention, it's the taxpayers who would have to foot the bill.

But once again, Big Business demands the action and the taxpayers get stuck.  Life just keeps imitating life.

TWITTER - Twitter users of all political stripes were covered in a layer of Liberal goo on the site today, as Liberals from throughout the United States simultaneously exploded and gooified the joint following the rapid-fire news that Glenn Beck was leaving his Fox News program and that Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice nominee

PIERRE, S.D. — South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard signed a bill into law on Tuesday that requires a man to wait 72 hours after his first doctor's appointment to be allowed to masturbate, the longest waiting list in the nation.

Elizabeth Taylor was the most beautiful human being on this earth for so many years you had to wonder if her not-of-this-world violet eyes didn't have something to do with it.  Because, honestly, who else on this earth ever had violet eyes?  But beyond her beauty, she had something else that most incredibly pampered child stars never had: an ability to look outside herself and see the other half of the world.  She worked tirelessly to bring attention to HIV/Aids, bringing honest a

I was just reading about a firm called Selective Search, which charges men a minimum of $20,000 a year to set them up on dates with suitable women.

Why Some People Will Pay $20,000 For a Date

Selective Search uses a 15-page form with questions about charity work, health, exercise habits and past relationships. More importantly, interviewers rate the women's looks:

WASHINGTON – Having taken criticism for not attempting any job-related legislation after campaigning on the issue, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that Republicans around the nation have been creating jobs with anti-abortion legislation.

WASHINGTON – Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi today took over the White House, which had been empty due to President Barack Obama’s trip to Brazil.

“I now am President of America,” said Gaddafi, who sneaked in a back door into the empty White House. “Bow before me, infidels!”

After taking over the Oval Office, Gaddafi’s first order of business was to change the name of the United States to “Libya 2.”