Mark McGwire has come out and admitted the one thing everyone knew about him – that he took performance-enhancing drugs. Of course, as has been his wont since his retirement from baseball, McGwire did so in a cowardly and milquetoast manner.

“I was given a gift to hit home runs,” said McGwire, who is attempting to return to baseball as a hitting instructor for the St. Louis Cardinals. “I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.”

SALEM, Mass. — L.T. Johnson was busy tying a sofa to the roof of his Pinto hatchback, when he was forced to think long and hard about the most recent political controversy.

“Harry Reid said the word Negro when talking about Obama? And Apologized?” said Johnson, now unemployed for 24 consecutive months. “Yeah, I just don’t care, I need a place for my family to live, so I`m not all too interested in stuff like this.”

HEAVEN – The heavenly perfection of Downtown Heaven was disturbed once all Hell broke loose following the news that Fox News Real-Live Journalist Brit Hume advised golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian to overcome his cheating ways. The ruckus was quelled, however, when Jesus Chist stepped forward to say that he did not care.

BRAZIL – Blogger William K. Wolfrum today vowed to cease using emoticons on the Internet, in any way, ever again.

“If feel that they had become an intruder into my soul,“ said Wolfrum, who also vowed to act more “High-Fallutin’“ in 2009. “In real life, I wink maybe twice a year. This is out of hand.’’

Many critics have come forward to complain about Wolfrum`s decision, claiming he is often to self-important and vague in a lot of his satire.