PeraclesPlease: Japanese Whispers: The Swift-boating of Hillary
Mr. Smith: Behold! It's Haikulodeon!
Well everybody is looking forward to SUPER TUESDAY, the biggest fricking day since Noah washed out the ark. I mean can you imagine all the feces and puke and hair and feathers that remained in that boat after 180 days or 40 days (depending upon the version)? And they did not even have Glade to make the journey palatable. Oh and how in the hell did the elephants get down from the mountain and...
Oh well, my ratings lately have been sub par (most of the time the enroll blog gets more hits than me) and so I thought maybe I would get a jump on everybody else and give my predictions for this coming SUPER TUESDAY.
And what a heading for a blog huh? I bet I might hit front page on Google or Yahoo or something! That is the way it used to be anyway before Proctor & Gamble kind of 'fixed' things.
So here goes something (I hope, this is my big chance):
CBS begins its prime time with two hours of NCIS. So we do not have to worry about CBS.
NBC starts off with two hours of THE BIGGEST LOSER. If you already consider yourself a loser and have considered yourself AS such since Clinton was President; just skip this one.
ABC has something called LAST MAN STANDING for half an hour. I think they are engaged in false advertising because if the show demonstrated the last man standing, it would have to be cancelled after one episode. But I have noted that this show has been running for some time so even without viewing it I know that I will not be able to see any LAST MAN STANDING!
ABC also has COUGER TOWN and something called THE RIVER and I surely will not be drunk enough in prime time to handle this line up. If you are adamant at demonstrating your love for ABC make sure you do not keep any guns in your abode.
FOX has a line up of half hour disasters with accompanying laugh tracks that seem insignificant to me. I mean WHY I HATE MY TEEN AGE DAUGHTER sounds difficult to me even though it has been a decade and more since I had a teen age daughter.
TBS has two hours of THE BIG BANG THEORY though. I can play scrabble and have enough beers to get me to the meat of the evening.
9:00 PM (CST) is when the fun begins so I know enough to count my drinks before then or I will end up crashing on the couch and waking up at midnite for chrissakes!
FX presents the single greatest drama on TV today. JUSTIFIED is the best of the best. And it runs for three hours straight. The first hour consists of its new episode and the next hour includes last weeks episode and then the new episode is repeated.
I am telling you that you will find yourself on back roads in Kentucky that include illegal stills and meth labs and Oxycontin warehouses and enough piles of maryjane to keep everyone east of the Mississippi happy and hungry for sliders.
And the dialogue is superb. Whoever writes this stuff spent a lifetime reading Twain and Shakespeare and the King James Bible and most probably, a little Jesse Helms.
I mean these episodes present hillbillies with a penchant for the King's English that wake something up deep down inside of me.
[giving the prayer at Boyd's camp]
Raylan Givens: Dear Lord, before we eat this meal we ask forgiveness for our sins, especially Boyd- who blew up a black church with a rocket launcher, and afterwards he shot his associate Jared Hale in the back of the head out on Tate's Creek bridge. Let the image of Jared's brain matter on that windshield not dampen our appetites, but may the knowledge of Boyd's past sins help guide these men. May this food provide them with all the nourishment they need. But, if it does not, may they find comfort in knowing that the United States Marshal Service is offering fifty-thousand dollars to any individual providing information that will put Boyd back in prison. Cash or check, we can make it out to them. Or to Jesus. Whoever they want. In your name, we pray.
Now Raylan is the hero; a member of the US Marshall's office who grew up in this coal country and did everything he could possibly do to get the hell out of this coal country. He stayed in school and went to college and got a good job with the Federal Government and then found himself stationed in Miami and he had found the perfect life.
Until he shot some drug kingpin dead whilst having a seemingly quiet brunch at some cafe overlooking the ocean.
So like some precocious priests who are reassigned for covert reasons, Raylan is sent back to Kentucky and he has to become reacquainted with his old school chums who committ almost as many felonies a day as a Wall Street trader.
With every hero there must be attached a villain and the primary villain is Boyd Crowder whom I assume quit school in the tenth grade to sell drugs to elementary school students and is usually shacked up with his cousin (who else, I mean kissin cousins in Harlan County Kentucky?) —whose physical presence (as they say) is awesome! I have spent hours upon hours with Boyd's cousin in my dreams over the last two years performing more deeds than I ever did with my second wife. Damn!
Now if you already have the good and the bad you need the ugly.
The ugly here is Dickie Bennett.
That guy is as funny as Eli Wallach. I swear to God Almighty.
Dickie has a bad leg. It seems that a long time ago in a galaxy far far away Dickie was a pitcher and was angry because Raylan always hit the ball out of the park or at least so that it landed in the park where there were no fielders to be found. And so Dickie decked him with a fast ball knocking our hero to the ground. Well our hero took after Dickie with a baseball bat and ever since that day Dickie just never ambled the same!
I have problems believing that Dickie ever achieved a sixth grade math score relevant to his grade level but this guy is incredible.
In one scene he somehow gets the drop on Raylans and when Raylans awakens from unconsciousness he finds himself handing upside down from a rope hanging down from a tree. He opens his eyes and there is Dickie with a Louisville Slugger calling strikes. Hahahahahah
Of course Boyd saves Gibbons' ass. Ha
Okay, now I am sounding like some Trekkie speaking in CLINGON.
The real problem presented is that SOUTHLAND comes on at 9:00 with a new episode. Damn!
However, an encore presentation begins at 11:00.
So I usually watch JUSTIFIED for two hours and then switch to TNT.
SOUTHLAND is indescribable!
We all find ourselves as members of the LAPD.
And we are presented with America stripped naked.
We are stuck in the middle of domestic squabbles (squabble is such a fine word is it not for chaos and mayhem and physical abuse and nutsiness?)
What are the police to do when a homeless woman afflicted with schizophrenia is discovered in the middle of a busy street with her grocery cart filled with clothes and filth and dangerous weapons made out of broken glass?
What are the police to do when they come upon Hispanic or Black or Asian or Aryan gangs hanging out on the street?
What are the police to do when they find themselves responsible for mishaps that occur during Quicky Mart hold-ups?
There is chaos and the cops must deal with their gut impressions with no solid evidence in an attempt to save lives.
The way I put it, every single cop show demonstrates these problems.
But somehow the writers of Southland spend much time showing us the personal histories and problems of the individual cops.
Some cops end up addicted to drugs or booze or sex or...whatever. But we end up caring about the individual police officers who find themselves in the midst of chaos with their own inner demons.
This series was almost canceled and TNT picked it up from NBC!
Well that is all I got right now.
This Tuesday should not be glossed over.
Now as far as the repub primaries.
Who really gives one goddamn anyway?