Donal's picture

    Andy Murray's on a roll

    Andy Murray hasn't lost a match since the US Open. He led Great Britain over Hungary in Davis Cup, beat Donald Young to win Bangkok, beat Rafa Nadal to win Tokyo, and just defeated David Ferrer 7-5, 6-4 to win the Shanghai Open - worth 1000 points - and now replaces Roger Federer as World #3.

    But it may be part of a plot:

    Mrs Podgorny: What is it now?

    Angus: An entry form for the British Open Tennis Championships at Wimbledon Toon ... signed and seconded.

    Mrs Podgorny: Och, but Angus, ye ken full well that Scots folk dinna know how to play the tennis to save their lives.

    Angus: Aye, but I must go though dear, I dinna want to seem ungrateful.

    Mrs Podgorny: Ach! Angus, I wilna let you make a fool o'yourself.

    Angus: But I must.

    Mrs Podgorny: Och, no you'll not ...

    Charles: So, everyone in England is being turned into Scotsmen, right?

    She: Yes.

    Charles: Now, which is the worst tennis-playing nation in the world?

    She: Er ... Australia.

    Charles: No. Try again.

    She: Australia?

    Charles: (testily) No... try again but say a different place.

    She: Oh, I thought you meant I'd said it badly.

    Charles: No, course you didn't say it badly. Now hurry.

    She: Er, Czechoslovakia.

    Charles: No! Scotland!

    She: Of course.

    Charles: Now ... now these blancmanges, apart from the one that killed Mrs Podgorny: have all appeared in which London suburb?

    She: Finchley?

    Charles: No. Wimbledon ... Now do you begin to see the pattern? With what sport is Wimbledon commonly associated?

    (She is thinking really hard.)

    Norman Hackforth: (off-screen) For viewers at home, the answer is coming up on your screens. Those of you who wish to play it the hard way, stand upside down with your head in a bucket of piranha fish. Here is the question once again.

    Charles: With what sport is Wimbledon commonly associated?


    She: Cricket.

    Charles: No.

    Charles: No. Wimbledon is most commonly associated with tennis.

    She: Of course! Now I see!

    Charles: Yes, it all falls into place!

    She: The blancmangcs are really Australians trying to get the rights of the pelota rules from the Czech publishers!

    Charles: (heavily) No ... not quite ... but, er, just look in here.

    (He indicates microscope. As she eagerly bends to look into it he picks up a sock filled with sand and without looking strikes her casually over the head with it. She collapses out of sight under desk. He continues to think out loud.)

    Charles: Yes. So these blancmanges, blancmange-shaped creatures come from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda. They order 48,000,000 kilts from a Scottish menswear shop ... turn the population of England into Scotsmen (well known as the worst tennis-playing nation on Earth) thus leaving England empty during Wimbledon fortnight! Empty during Wimbledon fortnight ... what's more the papers are full of reports of blancmanges appearing on tennis courts up and down the country - practising. This can only mean one thing!

    (Flash up caption quickly:)

    Voice Over and caption on sceeen: 'THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLEDON'

    Charles: They mean to win Wimbledon! (Jarring chord)

    Of course Murray is only a Scot when he loses.

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