William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Barack Obama is Xenu: Scientology, Tea Party join forces

    LOS ANGELES – Combining the works of science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard, fictional character Ronald Reagan, economics fiction writer Milton Friedman and actor Tom Cruise, the Church of Scientology has announced that it has officially joined forces with the Tea Party movement.

    “The simple fact is that our God has told us that Earth was once known as ‘Teegeeack,’” said Scientology leader David Miscavige. “This just can’t be a coincidence.”

    The new off-shoot group – tentatively known as “ScienTealogy” – will combine the beliefs of Scientology and the beliefs of Tea Party aficionados.

    According to a press release, the core beliefs of Scientealogy will be that Xenu the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who, 75 million years ago, brought billion of his people to Earth in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. This incident gave birth to Ronald Reagan and trickle-down economics.

    The now-disembodied victims’ souls, which Hubbard called Thetans, were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu’s forces using an “electronic ribbon” and sucked into “vacuum zones” around the world, where they were taken to a type of cinema, and forced to watch a “three-D, super colossal motion picture” for thirty-six days.

    This motion picture implanted socialist dogma into the heads of the Thetans and destroyed their sense of personal identity, personal responsibility, gun ownership and low taxes for the rich.

    Scientologist superstar Tom Cruise, in a press conference with long-ago TV star and top Tea Bagger Victoria Jackson said that it was obvious that Xenu had returned to Earth in the form of U.S. President Barack Obama.

    “I watch Glenn Beck and he’s taught me well,” said Jackson. “Progressive is the new word for Communist, but it’s the same goal as Xenu’s control of everything and it’s very obvious that Obama is Xenu and the Thetans must be destroyed or they’ll take our guns and put us in camps and take away our freedom of speech and kill us all and it’s really important.”

    “That sounds about right,” said Cruise.

    Scientealogy is planning to hold it’s first rally later this week in Tupelo, Miss. Fox News has estimated that as many as 34 million people will likely attend.

    “This is an exciting time for we brave, patriotic Teegeeackians,” said Miscavige. “And it can all be yours for the low price of $2,000 a lesson. And remember, if you cross us, we’ll kill you. That’s something both Scientology and the Tea Party can agree on.”



    "34 million people will attend?"

    You've got to be joking. This is Scientology we are talking about here. There will be at least a billion people at that meeting, if you include all the Operating Thetans who will be attending out-of-body.

    There will also be Scientologist attending from past lives, throughout the four quadrillion year history of the universe, as chronicled by the legendary huckster/savior L. Ron hubbard.

    The entire Universe is Scientologists already, almost.





    You can see (what's left of) Xenu's '08 presidential run website: http://davecabbage.110mb.com The humorous political ads are still available.

    Xenu press conference

    Wait? You mean Milton Friedman is not Xenu?

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