Defying expectations and confounding the critics one last time, George W. Bush is not the worst president ever according to C-Span's Historians Survey of Presidential Leadership. Bush beat out Millard Fillmore, Warren Harding, William Henry Harrison, Franklin D. Pierce, Andrew Johnson, and James Buchanan to place a respectable 36th out of 42.

In a raucous victory celebration at his ranch in Crawford, TX, George W. Bush and a few friends drank non-alcoholic tequila and smashed pinata effigies of his competitors with a brush axe and a large turkey baster. According to one guest, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being negatively nicknamed, Bush reserved particular fury Bill Clinton (16), George Bush Sr. (18), and inexplicably, Zachary Taylor (29), whom he chopped into "teeny smithereens with the axe and then mashed into the ground with the baster. His friends had to pull him off when it started to get out of hand."

According to a Bush spokesperson, who also spoke on condition of anonymity, Bush is proud to have been honored over six other former presidents:

"It's a tough competition, and there are lots of great presidents, but President George Bush showed that he's up there with the best of them. There are only 16 people between President Bush and Abraham Lincoln."

Informed that she was confusing the Bush presidents and that there were actually 34 presidents between George W. Bush and Abraham Lincoln, she replied,

"Whatever, it's still less than the total number of presidents."

The presidents that George Bush defeated to clinch the 36th spot are known for a number of historic accomplishments:

37 Millard Fillmore: Signed the Fugitive Slave Act which required northern states to return fugitive slaves to their owners.

38 Warren Harding: Appointed cronies, known as the "Ohio Gang," to prominent political positions, many of whom were convicted of accepting bribes and kickbacks, skimming profits, and directing underground alcohol and drug distribution.

39 William Henry Harrison: Served one month and died of complications from a bad cold.

40 Franklin D. Pierce: Officially recognized the illegally elected pro-slavery government of Kansas, even after a congressional investigative committee ruled the election illegal. Called the shadow anti-slavery government an act of "rebellion" and sent Federal troops to stop it from meeting.

41 Andrew Johnson: Vetoed Civil Rights Bill (overridden), tried to block 14th Amendment (failed), avoided impeachment (by one vote).

42 James Buchanan: Civil War

According to the historians, Bush's ineffectiveness was comprehensive. He did not win the worst prize in any field of expertise but was uniformly bad across all fields, though he did place 39th in economic management, just ahead of Herbert Hoover, and 40th in international relations, narrowly losing to William Henry Harrison.