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Political experts across the nation burbled approvingly after Monday's Republican presidential debate in New Hampshire. The candidates surpassed expectations by maintaining human form and refraining from howling, salivating excessively, or biting moderator John King on the leg.
CNN commentator Wolf Frisker remarked, "I was sure that Tim Pawlenty would lunge for Mitt Romney's shanks at least once, but he just sniffed around the anus a little bit, like he was checking him out or something."
Mitt Romney, a veteran shapeshifter, managed to sustain a single form for the entire two hours. NBC pundit, Lou Rex Pectations, gushed, "Watching Mitt work the stage like that, I almost believed that he was human." Romney particularly impressed analysts by rejecting the idea that the U.S. is about to be taken over by Muslim fanatics.
The most surprising performance came from Michele Bachmann, who wowed analysts by declaring that she had filed her candidacy papers that very morning and then went so far as to refrain from advocating armed rebellion against the Obama administration. "Not only can she hold human form," raved CBS commentator E. Z. Sell, "Her human form is even kind of appealing
A few of the candidates stumbled at points. Herman Cain could not help snarling when John King asked him about Muslims. Newt Gingrich, who has suffered from erratic shapeshifting during his brief campaign, unexpectedly reverted into a Medicare watchdog. Rick Santorum leashed his inner wolf but failed to distinguish himself as a human. And Ron Paul was unable to recover any shred of his long lost humanity.
Despite the almost human quality of the debate, wolf lovers remain optimistic. "This can't last," predicted ABC's Gore Hunger, "You can't win a Republican primary these days without getting your muzzle bloody and howling like a crazed beast."