The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
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    New Year's Resolution Generator ™

    By Michael Wolraich on Fri, 12/26/2008 - 6:08pm | Humor & Satire

    New Year's Eve is over. Visit the THE VALENTINE GENERATOR™.

    It's that time of year again. Resolution time. We're all supposed to come up with some great goals for 2009. But worthwhile goals aren't easy to come by. Sure, you could promise to quit smoking or abusing pigeons or getting naked in public or whatever boring resolution you make every year and violate three days later, but you've been there and done that. At dagblog, we're committed to helping our readers experience fulfilling and innovative New Year's resolutions. That's why we've developed our patent-pending New Year's Resolution Generator™. Just fill in the easy-to-fill-in form, press the button, and voila--instant resolution gratification.

    We hope that you find our service helpful. Please feel free to share the results of your resolutions in the comments section.

    For those of you who have trouble fulfilling your resolutions, we have a special service for you. For a mere $49.99, we will monitor your progress, and if you violate any of your resolutions, our Chief Enforcement Officer, Mortimus, will personally come to your home and spank you silly. (He works for tips, so please be generous.) Just fill in our contact form with the subject line: Spank me hard big green man!

    IMPORTANT: Because the advanced Resolution Generator™ algorithm can be compromised by prior viewing others' resolutions, you must first complete your own resolutions before reading the comments below. Violators will be emphatically spanked and banned from the site until 2010.

    New Year's Resolution Generator™

    verb
    noun
    exclamation
    adjective
    plural noun
    phrase
    verb
    noun
    number
    period of time, e.g. hour, month
    person
    verb
    verb
    adverb
    verb
    adjective
    noun
    period of time
    verb
    plural noun
    place
    verb
    noun
    adjective
    noun
    person
    verb
    noun
    Topics: 
    Humor & Satire

    Comments

    TIP: FOR OPTIMAL ENJOYMENT, DON'T LOOK AT THE COMMENTS TIL AFTER YOU FILL OUT THE FORM ...

    -----------------------------------

    I love it. especially telling god to belch a fireplace, asking genghis to sucks with me and being gorgeouser to my fingernails ...

    In 2009, I promise to...

    • Stop hopscotching my television
    • Avoid shouting "Gadzooks!" at delicious fax machines
    • Remember to say "The bird is the word" whenever I flutters
    • Call my IPhone at least 6.7 times a week
    • Ask Genghis to sucks with me
    • Learn to cry boldly
    • Try to frolic an hirsute Pictionary every fortnight
    • Quit reclineing with softballs
    • Travel to The St. Louis Arch in order to fiddle a Peppermint sticks
    • Be gorgeouser to my fingernails
    • Tell god to belch a fireplace

    by Deadman on Fri, 12/26/2008 - 7:28pm

    Before I participate, I'd just like to point out that you are missing a comma in one of your sentences that makes interpretation difficult. The sentence is:

    Spank me hard big green man!

    So, are we to read, "Spank me hard, big green man"?

    Or perhaps, "Spank me hard big, green man"?

    Another interpretation might be, "Spank me big hard green, man"?

    Even more troubling, "Spank (or Spank me), hard big green man".

    I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep until I understand your intent.


    by Orlando on Fri, 12/26/2008 - 11:40pm

    I leave it open to your prolific imagination.

    BTW, this post is now listed in the "spanking in the news" ticker at http://thinkp1nk.blogspot.com: A lighthearted view of the spanking fetish.


    by Michael Wolraich on Sat, 12/27/2008 - 10:21am

    Well, now I have my list. Especially number 1. The apple never writes back and it's getting demoralizing.

    In 2009, I promise to...

    • Stop writing my apple
    • Avoid shouting "crap" at lovely chickens
    • Remember to say "Imagine all the people" whenever I crunch
    • Call my persimmon at least nine times a day
    • Ask Joseph Stahlin to point with me
    • Learn to race green
    • Try to smoke a glowing boat every eon
    • Quit blowing with pencils
    • Travel to Eureka, Illinois in order to grasp a president
    • Be smarter to my street
    • Tell Hugo Chavez to focus a table


    by Orlando on Fri, 12/26/2008 - 11:49pm

    I'm sure Bwak will appreciate the second item.


    by Donal on Tue, 12/30/2008 - 9:10am

    On behalf of my friend...

    In 2009, I promise to...

    • Stop skiing my smell
    • Avoid shouting "Great!!" at nice information
    • Remember to say "No news is good news" whenever I puke
    • Call my cat at least 4 times a day
    • Ask Obama to love with me
    • Learn to eat fortunately
    • Try to meet a pervasive castle every month
    • Quit thinking with advice
    • Travel to Eiffel Tower in order to realize a brother
    • Be controversialer to my photograph
    • Tell Aragon (French writer) to sleep a cigarette

    by Michael Wolraich on Sat, 12/27/2008 - 1:45am

    In 2009, I promise to...

    • Stop baning my smurf
    • Avoid shouting "honkey!" at slithering ducks
    • Remember to say "to the moon" whenever I succumb
    • Call my ignorance at least 38 times a day
    • Ask Obama to salivate with me
    • Learn to energize woefully
    • Try to sneak a bronzed snow every fortnight
    • Quit sailing with mountains
    • Travel to madison in order to jump a big toe
    • Be hairyer to my lamp
    • Tell Barack Obama to read a battery


    by CaliforniaPaige on Mon, 12/29/2008 - 11:29pm

    In 2009, I promise to...

    • Stop expectorateing my MARC train
    • Avoid shouting "phooey" at warm-hearted dem guys
    • Remember to say "Attaboy!" whenever I abolish
    • Call my cake at least twelve times an aeon
    • Ask Matt Lauer to abrogate with me
    • Learn to smite effectively
    • Try to absorb an effusive rock every nanosecond
    • Quit entering with people who need people
    • Travel to my old school in order to recoup a funds
    • Be intemperateer to my doohickey
    • Tell Captain Kirk to remove an hamburger

    by Donal on Tue, 12/30/2008 - 9:08am

    It seems that the New Year's Resolution Generator has been stumbled upon. Welcome, stumblers, and come back soon. There's lots of cool stuff at dagblog. Here's our RSS feed. And if you strictly prefer the ha-ha, here's our humor feed.


    by Michael Wolraich on Tue, 12/30/2008 - 10:57pm

    In 2009, I promise to...

    • Stop changing my dilettante elitist
    • Avoid shouting "Kumbaya!" at Harry Reid-like CEOs
    • Remember to say "that we can believe in" whenever I re-elect
    • Call my electoral vote at least π times a millennium
    • Ask Obama to ritually deflower with me
    • Learn to dazzle (with my logic) sybaritically
    • Try to dagblog a stunningly simplistic middle class every nanosecond
    • Quit investigating with fine French wines
    • Travel to Ottawa, Ontario, in order to bail out a meltdown
    • Be Obamaesquer to my arugula-laced latte
    • Tell Rod Blagojevich to drink up a punditry

    Full disclosure: I deleted a superfluous E or two at the end of verbs and the adjective Obamasesque. That's supposed to be a "pi" sign in resolution four. And my nouns and verbs are sometimes really nounal and verbal phrases.

    Fun stuff, Genghis. I'll actually try to adhere to some of these. Not the one about investigating with fine French wines, though.


    by acanuck on Wed, 12/31/2008 - 1:40pm

    Ha. Best yet. I like the ritual deflowering. There have been hundreds of people trying out the generator without commenting. I wonder what they got. A few have posted on their own blogs. This is one of my favs from http://www.xanga.com/surveyspertu:

    • Stop homogenize ing my paper towel
    • Avoid shouting "D'OH!" at auspicious curtains
    • Remember to say "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle" whenever I fornicate
    • Call my fabric softener at least twelve times a second
    • Ask Conan O'Brien to masticate with me
    • Learn to perspire malevolently
    • Try to scrub a feisty Q-tip every millenium
    • Quit rendezvousing with clairvoyants
    • Travel to a sandbox in order to beat up a Neosporin
    • Be chaoticer to my hyena
    • Tell Hank Hill to erect a peanut butter
    Our highly-classifiied English-language parser still has a few bugs, as you've noticed.


    by Michael Wolraich on Wed, 12/31/2008 - 1:55pm

    Stop loveing my food
    Avoid shouting "really" at hot shoes
    Remember to say "I don't like cats." whenever I fly
    Call my ballon at least 6 times a may
    Ask sofia to eat with me
    Learn to jump
    Try to sleep an ugly toy every tomorrow
    Quit kissing with toes
    Travel to home in order to dress a fire
    Be cuteer to my ipod
    Tell marta to listen a pencil

    amazing hahahahaah


    by kika666 (not verified) on Sat, 12/31/2011 - 1:06pm

     

    In 2012, I promise to...

    • Stop triumphing over my grapefruit
    • Avoid shouting "zut alors" at minty cheeses
    • Remember to say "it's the humidity" whenever I wax
    • Call my monkeyshine at least 11 times a fortnight
    • Ask my uncle to dampen with me
    • Learn to drink surreptitiously
    • Try to laminate a greenish chicken every Kardashian
    • Quit sprinting with ducks
    • Travel to France in order to enliven a collar
    • Be waxier to my mukluk
    • Tell my pastor to misread a greenhouse

     

    (Pretty much the same as last year...)


    by Doctor Cleveland on Sun, 01/01/2012 - 5:40pm