News From the Future: China Completes Great Fan

April 24, 2029

After a decade of development, China has announced the completion of the controversial Great Fan project. The massive 900-meter-tall nuclear-powered fan has been designed to relieve the impacts of global warming on Beijing and surrounding areas by blowing millions of cubic meters of hot air towards its northern neighbors. Russia has vigorously protested the construction of the fan before the United Nations, the International League of Justice, and the Asian-Pacific-Plus-Denmark Large Claims Court, but China has so far succeeded in blocking the suits using its veto power, bribery, and tricky lawyers.

In retaliation, Russia has begun construction of its own great fan directly opposite China's. According to Russian officials, the fan will be 1200 meters tall and include an "extra high" setting capable of blowing back all of China's hot air. But the Chinese are already said to be developing a second-generation great fan with a swivel base that would neutralize the Russian defense. Amnesty International has expressed concern that Mongolia will be caught in the crosswinds and suffer severe sandstorms, but the Chinese-backed Mongolian government has supported China's plans and agreed to lease its borderlands to Chinese wind energy developers seeking to capitalize on the windfall.

International analysts predict a global fan race, as nations seek to propel hot air into one another's territories. Several other nations are already reported to be developing their own great fans, including the United States, Israel, India, and Talibakistan. U.S. officials have also accused Iran of secretly purchasing fan technology from the Chinese with the intent of building a great fan. Iranian president Mohammed Akantprnouncit disputed the accusation, declaring that "the peaceful Iranian people seek only giant rotors that will turn prettily in the breeze." Officials in Saudi Arabia have warned darkly that a fan-backed Iran would force them to develop their own fan, but Akantprnouncit dismissed the threats, declaring, "We are not concerned with the Sunni heretics. If they try to build one, the Shiites will really hit the fan."

China's Great Fan is scheduled to be switched on at midnight tomorrow. The Chinese government has promised to keep the fan on a "low" setting until the environmental impact has been determined, but environmentalists have expressed concern that the giant fan will injure migrating birds and disrupt the mating rituals of the Siberian horny toad. The environmental activist group Green War is planning worldwide protests and selling millions of bumper stickers and T-shirts with such slogans as "The Fan Blows," "We're Not a Fan of the Fan," and "Not By the Hair of My Fanny-Fan-Fan." Proceeds from the sales, including tickets to the demonstrations, are expected to top ¥500 billion worldwide.

News From the Future is a series of dagblog exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We have received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole.