WASHINGTON – Timothy Johnson was taking a walk near his home in Washington, D.C., when he walked near Capitol Hill. Noticing his shoe was untied, Johnson bent to tie it. Then all hell broke loose, as his actions somehow filibustered every bill currently in Congress, as well as placed holds all of President Barack Obama’s nominations for government positions.

“That was me?” said Johnson. “Eek. I’m really sorry about that.”

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid said that Johnson’s shoe-tying action kicked in a rare congressional rule. While Reid declined to explain how one seemingly powerless pedestrian could stop the U.S. Government in its tracks, he said he was powerless to stop it.

“My hands are tied,” said Reid. “We’ll just have to wait this out.”

Reid added that Senate Democrats could offer Johnson a $40-billion contract to build air-to-air refueling tankers, in an effort to get him to release the holds and end the filibusters.

“We’re hoping that we can bribe him to stop this overt act of obstructionism,” said Reid. “But really, Timothy Johnson is holding all the cards.”

For his part, the 34-year-old Johnson – who works part-time at a local Walmart, said he was willing to negotiate.

“I really don’t know much about refueling tankers, but I’m willing to try,” said Johnson. “Do they have any special classes for that.”

The House and Senate are now currently on recess, raising funds and golfing while they wait for the situation to resolve.

“Once again, there’s nothing we can do. The government is in Timothy Johnson’s hands now,” said Reid. “He’s the one making the rules now, and we better learn to just accept that.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles