This is an email I’m planning to send to this guy who we will call “Phil” who sent me a friendship request on Facebook.  If you have any suggestions on a better way to word my displeasure, do share - you’ll have to trust me that this guy deserves to be talked to like this.

Dear Phil,

I feel obligated to respond to your friendship request on Facebook so I can be more explicit and clear in my rejection than clicking the ignore button allows me to be.  I hope this letter finds you more educated then when I last saw you, because if you have not improved upon your mental faculties from our last encounter or more likely, if you have lost brain function due to various poor decisions resulting in head trauma, I fear you will not fully grasp what it is I want to tell you.

First, I can tell from your status picture, your mother was quite wrong when she told you it was a phase and you’d grow out of it.  Adulthood has only enhanced your cagey looks making you appear to be a deranged pedophile.  I’ll give you credit for the truth in advertising, but you really should change your picture to something more flattering, perhaps with less light, maybe even no light.  It’s hard to pick your best side unless you’re out of full view.

I’m not quite sure what I did to indicate that we should become Facebook friends.  I don’t want to be friends with you in real life, having a digital version of a friendship with you is even less appealing.  Granted, I, unlike the women we worked with three summers ago at the steakhouse, didn’t recoil in disgust every time you said something to me, but that doesn’t mean that I want to know your woeful status updates or see pictures of you looking like you are trying to lure cub scouts into your basement to give them merit badges in hugging pantless and ignoring shame.

Perhaps I miss read your friend request.  Did you mean it as a sarcastic friend request?  Like a cruel joke?   If I didn’t want to brush my brain clean with a Sham-Wow every time I think of our brief experiences together, I would appreciate the ironic gesture.

If you have been able to process anything thus far through that mung bean sized brain of yours, please understand this: You are a repugnant egomaniac who is too stupid to realize that no one ever liked him.  Why don’t you start a facebook fan page for that?  You’d meet other repugnant egomaniacs and not have to bother people like me who aren’t fans of repugnant egomaniacs.  That one’s for free, you can take this idea and run with it.  I know you have hard time coming up with things like ideas, or money you owe people, or common decency.

I chose not take the time to list some of the many horrible and despicable things you have done because you should know.  And if you don’t, I don’t see much use in telling them to you.  It is that ignorant state of mind that has gotten you to where you are in life.  Ever wonder why no one ever calls you?  Everyone hates you!  Ever wonder why employers seem to hate you?  You’re an awful employee and they do hate you!  Ever wonder why you are so poor?  Because you deserve to be!  Ever wonder why even your family doesn’t like you?  The answer is in the mirror!

In summary, I’m denying your friend request.  In fact, I’m now lobbying Facebook to put an “enemy request” feature so that I can become your clear enemy, showing everyone else that I’m in opposition to you and whatever the hell it is you’re doing with yourself that I don’t give a mouse’s fart about enough to accept your friendship request to find out.   I clicked the ignore button not just because I want to ignore you, but because there wasn’t a “drop into a pit of hungry tigers” button.  I ask you to never ever contact me in anyway shape or form unless you want to apologize monetarily, but since we both know that you are doomed to failure in everything that’s not going to happen so what’s the point?

Very truly,

Larry Jankens

P.S. You are a goatse.