At first, there wasn’t much of anything. Well, there was God, and there was some water, so maybe that’s a lot. But there wasn’t anything else, that’s my point. Then God decided to make some other stuff probably because he was bored of the water. So first he made some light so that he could see what he was doing. He thought that was a pretty good accomplishment for the first day and congratulated himself on a job well done.

The second day, God made a hole in the water and called it the sky.

The third day, God made some dry land and called it earth. He put trees and plants on it. He thought that was pretty cool too, but the trees and plants probably weren’t very happy that day because there was no sun yet, which makes me wonder where the light was coming from.

The fourth day, God finally got around to making the sun. Also the moon, and stars. He thought that was good too.

Commentary: God seems to have a high opinion of his handiwork.

The fifth day, God made birds and fish and told them to multiply, which they were quite happy to do. The plants and trees probably weren’t so keen about that, but God was pleased.

The sixth day, God made cows and creeping things and other animals. Then, in what was either a stroke of genius or the biggest mistake of His eternal existence, God made people who kind of looked like Him. He told them to multiply, dominate the animals and creeping things, and eat the plants. He told the animals and creeping things to eat the plants too. At this point, the plants must have been really pissed. But God gave himself a round of applause and took a day off.

Commentary: The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekial has said,

"Wondrous is the infinite power of God to have created the world in six days."

I would never think to question the great rabbi, but as God’s power is without limit, I must ask: What took Him so long? With infinite power, He could have made a thousand worlds in an instant. And then he needs a day off at the end? What, he was tired? I begin to suspect that this God is a lazy cloud-potato.¹

¹Cloud-potato: Literally, “flaccid carrot in the sky,” from the Low Aramaic slang for a slave who pretends to be too weak to carry a bucket of goat’s milk or similar burden.

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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