Last summer, a team of archaeologists excavating a Roman-era latrine outside Jerusalem made a remarkable discovery. Buried beneath centuries of silt and fecal matter, the archaeologists discovered an ancient manuscript. The manuscript appears to be an abridged version of the Old Testament with commentary by the infamous heretic, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen.

Joseph lived, preached, and cleaned latrines in Judea during the first century A.D. Until the discovery, there were only two known records of his existence. The first was a reference by the famous Roman writer, Frommerus, who traveled to Judea and wrote of his experiences there:

The town of Lokshen, six miles east of Jerusalem on the Jericho road, consists of some twenty cracked and crumbled mud brick dwellings, a shallow well half-full of fetid brown water, and three filthy latrines. Excluding the latrines, there is only one reason to stop in this ugly pimple of a town: to hear the droll lectures of its most famous resident, Joseph the Latriner. You will likely find him at the crossroads preaching to townspeople and travelers as they hurry past. Pious Judeans regard Joseph as a contemptible heretic, but his sardonic discourses are quite entertaining to free thinkers who do not subscribe to Hebrew theology. His pithy remarks are well worth an hour of your time and a coin if you can spare one. But if it’s a latrine you need, continue on to the town of Kakn, two miles east. Joseph’s latrine work is inferior to his discourse, and the latrines of Lokshen are among the foulest in the Empire.¹

The only other known evidence of Joseph’s existence was an official Roman record of his execution by religious authorities in 83 A.D.:

On March 10th, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen was tried in the Religious Court for having written and distributed a profane commentary on the Hebrew Bible. He was convicted of 187 counts of blasphemous heresy and 231 counts of heretical blasphemy. On March 17th, in accordance with his sentence, Joseph was stoned, crucified, drawn, quartered, sixteenthed, thirtyseconded, chopped, diced, wedgied, minced, boiled, flambéed, and buried alive.²

Joseph’s commentary was thought to have been lost until its discovery by Dr. Hans Greber, Professor of Archaeology from Foigel University in Germany. Realizing its significance, Dr. Greber asked me to translate the text. Joseph wrote in Low Aramaic, the vernacular dialect of the Judean people under Roman rule. Low Aramaic has been largely overlooked by modern Aramaicists due to the lack of any surviving examples of the dialect, and I am one of only a few experts in the field.

In order to faithfully reproduce the original vernacular style of the material, I rendered the translation in colloquial English. As a result, the translation sometimes varies considerably from a literal interpretation of the text, and I have noted such cases in the footnotes.

While the commentary is certainly unorthodox and sprinkled with digressive asides, Joseph remained faithful to the text of the Old Testament. He was also careful to present alternative interpretations by the priestly establishment of his time, as represented by the Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel. Though Joseph often disagreed with Bezekiel’s hermeneutics, it’s clear from the writing that he venerated the man. Unfortunately, no record of the Rabbi has survived antiquity other than Joseph’s account.

In order to offer Joseph's work to the waiting public without delay and because I had some difficulty finding a worthy publisher, I have decided to present my translation as a serialized blog. I will post new chapters as I complete the translation.

So without further ado, I give you The Heretic's Bible by Joseph the Latriner of Lokshem.

- Dr. G. Genghis, Professor of Linguistics, Eizel College

Introduction

by Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen

My fellow Hebrews: Many of you have surely read the profound commentary of my distinguished associate, the Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel, at least the first three or four sentences. I know that his formidable work is being put to good use because I am a latriner by trade, and I have come across many of his weighty pages in the latrines that I have had the pleasure of servicing, both in the privy and below. Yet I know also that you lead busy lives and that such wise words require ponderous reflection for which few have time. I am a pious man, and I believe that it is our great honor and obligation as God’s chosen people to study Torah, though I’ve never actually done so myself. It pains me that the length of the sacred text, as well that of commentaries by sages like Rabbi Bezekiel, keep so many of us from fulfilling our duties as Jews.

For that reason, I have decided to immerse myself in Torah study in order to write a less demanding version for those of you who lack time to read the original. My version, with commentary, may be contemplated with minimal effort as you eat your meals, between gladiator matches, at crucifixions, or while you perch on the wooden thrones to which I owe my livelihood. If, in the last case, you put my pages to better use after having perused them, I will not be offended and will take joy in the fact that they have mingled with the great wisdom of Rabbi Bezekiel.

Update: I recently learned upon completing my commentary that it is very, very unkosher to use pages inscribed with God’s name for the purpose that I suggested above. Therefore, in the interest of sanctity, I encourage readers to use only those pages that do not mention God for said purpose. That may be a bit of a challenge, since God figures heavily in the Torah. I have therefore included a number of blank pages at the end that you can rely on when the need is pressing.

Next: Genesis, Ch. 1 - God’s first week of work