In the end, it was Sarai who solved the fertility problem. She suggested that Abram have sex with her Egyptian slave, Hagar. Abram enthusiastically followed her suggestion.

Commentary: I suppose that I shouldn't ask whether Hagar was consulted in this arrangement.

When Hagar conceived a child, she got snotty and started dissing her mistress. Irritated, Sarah whined to Abram: 'It's all your fault! I myself placed my slave in your arms! Now that she sees herself pregnant, she looks at me with disrespect. Let God judge between me and you!'

Commentary: Women!

Abram, ever the gallant hero, told Sarai that he didn’t want to get involved. So Sarai abused Hagar until the poor girl couldn’t take it anymore and ran away.

Commentary: Abram may have been a weenie, but Sarai was a f-ing bitch!

Some angels found Hagar in the desert. They told her to go back to Sarai, promising that she would have countless descendents through her son, whom she should name Ishmael. They also predicted that Ishmael would be a rebel and that everyone would hate him. So Hagar returned to Abram’s house to suffer Sarai’s tyranny and gave birth to a baby son whom everyone would eventually hate.

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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