Michael Wolraich's picture

    Tired of the Oppression Biz? Retire In Style with Professional Autocrat Consulting Services

    By Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 12:16pm | Politics, Humor & Satire

    You've worked hard your whole life. It was a tough job with grueling hours, intense pressure, and dangerous working conditions, but you never gave up. You sacrificed everything to do the best you could.

    As retirement nears, all you want is recognition for your distinguished service and a small nest egg with which to enjoy your twilight years.

    At Dagblog Autocrat Consulting Services, we recognize your impressive accomplishments and appreciate your desire for an honorable legacy. That's why we've put together a full-service retirement program that will enable you to make a graceful exit and retire in comfort.

    Our Golden Legacy All-Inclusive Package includes everything that you need to resign in style:

    • Our media relations gurus will make over your illustrious career by promoting your glorious accomplishments and erasing those troublesome little blemishes.
    • Let our financial whiz kids protect your hard-earned assets and store them in a safe place.
    • We hired the world's foremost experts in international law so that you can avoid detainment at home and abroad.
    • Our private diplomatic corps will negotiate safe passage to a friendly nation for you, your immediate family, and up to five associates.
    • We maintain real estate specialists around the globe to help you find the perfect Shangri La to live your days.
    • Our crack security team will protect you and your family from disasters including assassinations, military coups, war crimes tribunals, and airborne shoes.
    • (Optional) For an additional fee, our professional cleaners can also take care of troublesome opponents to make sure the retirement process goes smoothly.

    For more information about the Golden Legacy Package please contact a sales associate at 1-800-GETAWAY or contact [email protected].

    At Dagblog Autocrat Consulting Services, we ALWAYS BELIEVE you!

    Topics: 
    Politics
    Humor & Satire

    Comments

    The Golden Legacy Package is indeed impressive and it's understood that anyone who has to ask the price obviously can't afford it.  But I'm wondering if there is an ala carte service or a MacPackage for state and county employees looking to retire in privacy.  Could this be a franchise opportunity?


    by TJ on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 12:38pm

    We considered the market but concluded that it wasn't profitable, state and municipal coffers being what they are these says.


    by Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 1:35pm

    Impressively stealthy with a travel agency number and a non-existent domain!

    As part of the service, do I get to hobnob with fellow getawayers? I'd really like to ask Mr. Mubarak about his cat.


    by GeofhrisKhzn on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 12:44pm

    Sorry, GeofhrisKhzn, unless you've subjugated a nation of at least 20 million citizens for 10 years or more, you are not eligible for our service.


    by Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 1:37pm

    Have you considered dropping the 10 years to a minimum of 5 for those qualifying for a "genocide special", available to those who have eliminated 30% or more of their populations while in office?  

    While moral considerations may not be figuring prominently in your launch effort so far, even unusually evil despots are people, too, after all. 


    by AmericanDreamer on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 1:49pm

    I thought you might throw in some "Well.  Don't let the people bastards get you down"-type language to perhaps intensify the emotional appeal for those despots feeling especially unappreciated, unloved, and perhaps a bit frazzled and desperate at the time they come upon this ad.  


    by AmericanDreamer on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 12:54pm

    Brilliant. I wasn't clever enough.


    by Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 1:12pm

    May I suggest a theme song, for your professional cleaners division ?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvP0uwl3Q6A&feature=related


    by Resistance on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 12:59pm

    Is this serious? It reads like it's serious. Nobody could be such an asshole to write such a blatant pitch for business at a time like this. I'm offended. 

    This adman/blogger is a terrible person.

    And hates Jesus.


    by quinn esq on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 1:06pm

    The Worlds full of them.  

    Like FISH and mosquitoes the farther North you go the bigger they are.


    by Resistance on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:50pm

    A rescue package for despots?

    Mubarek?

    Huh.

    He came to mind third....after Bush and Cheney. Surprised


    by wabby on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 1:15pm

    Pah. When Bush-Cheney eliminate opposition parties and rule the nation with an iron fist for 30 years, then we'll talk.


    by Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 9:15pm

    However as junior applicants, having just destroyed the U.S. middle class without firing a shot, they should receive free celebrity seating at all major sports events--which would be especially classy (even for a Bush) if provided at the same time that the serfs were denied the very bleacher seats they paid for with their hard earned money.    


    by Oxy Mora on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 7:48am

    You forgot to include for a nominal fee, the crack security team is also capable of mounting land and aerial  reconnaissance to plan a winning scenario enabling you to take back your government with the use of our battle-proven force of para-military mercenaries highly capable of using land, air and naval forces with the lastest weapons technology not curentlyavailble on the market to capture key governmental facilities, neutralize any and all opposing military forces and securing vital industrial areas from sabotage during you comeback to power.


    by Beetlejuice on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:31pm

    Jeez, for a minute there I thought you were going to offer them chocolate, too.  No chocolate leaves the building while I'm around.  Remember that.


    by Ramona on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:37pm

    There's chocolate?


    by Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 9:12pm

    Did I say chocolate?


    by Ramona on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 10:46pm

    Can you offer up some testimonials?  Did Ferdinand Marcos enjoy using your service?


    by Michael Maiello on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:19pm

    Genghis is not just the DACS® President, he's also a member!


    by Verified Atheist on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:23pm

    Trudeau today seems pertinent to this thread...http://www.doonesbury.com/strip although the dictator in that strip appears still to be in the denial phase, not yet persuaded of the need to take a hard look at his exit options...


    by AmericanDreamer on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 4:20pm

    your wish is my command, genghis!  dagblog is added to skippy's roll!


    by skippy (not verified) on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 6:48pm

    Thanks, skippy. Come by any time.


    by Michael Wolraich on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 9:07pm

    T'aint funny McGee.


    by David Seaton on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 5:05am

    Am I paranoid, or is this targeted at me?


    by DC Bound (not verified) on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 12:44pm

    Am I paranoid, or is this targeted at me?

    And you are. . . .?


    by Ramona on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 3:45pm

    So, Genghis, has the agency been contacted by a former dictator in need of assistance within the last hour or so?


    by AmericanDreamer on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:32am

    The phone is ringing off the hook, but all of our resources are now dedicated to my own resignation. It appears that sacking Wolfrum was not sufficient to appease the people.


    by Michael Wolraich on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:37am

    Wow--getting pretty ugly out there when the people who are trying to help the depressed and needy dictators are themselves having to seek refuge.  Is there an outfit that offers services to people who formerly worked for agencies such as yours?  Kind of a secondary market niche of sorts, perhaps?


    by AmericanDreamer on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 11:57am

    Time for (ahem) the women to take over.


    by Ramona on Fri, 02/11/2011 - 12:00pm

    Latest Comments