Hoboken, NJ

Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie fell through the stage set for his speech on Thursday.

The five hundred pound chief executive had been stumping for a local politician at this Hudson County event (holding an ice cream cone instead of a microphone as is his wont from time to time) when he stumped a little bit too hard atop the pine constructed podium, falling fifty feet into the cavern that had been covered by the stage.

Fifteen hundred spectators were aghast at the spectacle as an emergency team was forced to confiscate a crane from a local construction site in an attempt to extricate the Governor from his underground tomb.

The crane has been pronounced as in guarded condition by construction experts following this exercise.

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Somewhere over Des Moines, Iowa.

Governor Romney was restrained by the Secret Service on his campaign airplane yesterday when he attempted to open a window.

A short while following the incident an anonymous source who was employed by the Service reported that following the incident the former Mass Governor was given instructions concerning the physics of structures that travel at the altitude of 30,000 feet close to the speed of sound.

Truly Mr. Romney had become a danger to himself and others, reported the source.

Oh, the Presidential Candidate exclaimed and then the aspiring Chief Executive sent out an order that farting inside a plane was anathema to the well being of any democracy.

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Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Representative Ryan, Vice-Presidential Candidate for the Republican Party, faced questions from a Democrat in the audience of a campaign rally hosted by Citizens for a White Oklahoma.

The Democrat had been traveling incognito as a repub with the one purpose of embarrassing the Candidate.

Were you, Congressman, first against a Medicare voucher system then for a Medicare voucher system and now against a Medicare voucher system?

The Republican Crowd Control Officiants duly grabbed the dem and tossed him into a sand dune located outside of the festivities.

I was going to ask him when he stopped beating his wife but I just was not given the time. Jesus Christ, what is this Russia? protested the under cover dem as he dusted himself off.

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Nobullshite, Missouri

Representative Todd Akin appeared at a fundraiser in Truman County, Missouri yesterday along with Newt Gingrich seeking the support of Old Women, an arm of the DAR's.

This country was built upon the wombs of strong women who knew their place and understood common courtesy and loved Country-Western music. And there are people out there, there are women out there who would contradict and be con-descendant toward these female pioneers. We need to get back to our principles and our God-Given Constitution and our original wombs!

Wombs have always belonged to upright men and we must reclaim them!

Just then, 45 members from the audience threw feminine hygiene products at the speaker.

Asked to respond the Congressman noted:

This is just another example of Democrat blood-letting!

Mrs. Gingrich was declared dead at the scene.

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Washington, DC

Nothing at all happened in DC today because Congress left for a 100 day vacation.

The President has suggested a lock-out unless all the lawmakers cede their salaries and health benefits and pension benefits during this voluntarily taken vacation.

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Bloomington, Minnesota

The Minnesota Vikings defeated the San Francisco 49ers even though the 49ers were given five or six time outs during the final quarter of the game.

I caught up with the great John Madden to discuss the problems with the substitute refs.

John Madden: Great to be in your basement Dick, ya know the aim of all footballers or those who play football is to take that ball down the field toward the opponents End Zone (sometimes they get confused and run the wrong way. Haaahahaha) and once you cross that line, you know after the 1 yard line you get to score.

Thanks John.

My question though goes to the issue concerning the new lock-out of referees and the problems we are now faced with these substitute referees!

John Madden: Well Rick, now if each team gets three time-outs and one of the teams gets five or six time-outs for that same half....well things can go awry and if if the officiating is less than kosher (that is a Jewish term I guess though I never really met any penis skinning folks up close although I have nothing against them) then we end up with problems. I mean suppose you are aiming for that End Zone and the QB throws the pass on third down (or even second down for that matter) and the receiver from his team catches that ball and runs into the end zone and the ref does not see it properly....well we are all screwed. I mean the ball is supposed to be watched at all times and...

Thank you John!

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Columbus, Ohio

Sherrod Brown noted before a group of Democrats for Equality and Big Trees that he was not that Brown guy from New York.

I love Ms. Warren and I have never appeared naked in some magazine and I have never and will never caucus with the repubs. And I do not believe I have ever been in NYC or even Buffalo.

He was responding to a mentally challenged reporter from FOX News.

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New York, New York

Ann Coulter, appearing on FOX News noted that Civil Rights and Civil Rights legislation over the last 145 years or so only apply to Black Slaves and since there are no more Black Slaves in this country there is no need for Civil Rights or Civil Rights legislation or Equal Opportunity for anyone who does not have money.

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Podunk, Kansas

Pat Robertson, appearing with Mitt Romney in a fund raising/campaign defining exhibition was rushed to the local hospital emergency room by ambulance.

The Most Reverend Robertson was opening the event with a Christian Prayer when he squinted too hard and sent himself into an epileptic fit.

Experts declared the fund raising event as 'qualified'.