SleepinJeezus's picture

    From the "Good News Headlines" Comes the Solution to Unemployment and Despair

    By SleepinJeezus on Fri, 12/31/2010 - 9:12pm |

    From The New York Times:

    Some investors flourish amid economy's year of tumult

    Investing in gold, industrials and tech stocks turns out to be a good deal

    Expect Obama to announce in the State of the Union a major investment in retraining for the millions of unemployed. Monies will be spent so that we can all be re-educated and take a job in the financial sector, creating wealth.

    "You, too, can become a Hedge Fund Manager!" Obama declares, expressing great hope for the future growth of our economy.

    We can also expect to hear plans for massive tax cuts for those who choose to work in the Financial Sector as a means of promoting growth in this most vibrant sector of the economy.

    "This recession has shown the resiliency of our financial sector." White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs says in a preview of Obama's remarks. "Even as our manufacturing base has been decimated and other jobs have been exported, the Financial Industries Sector has continued to move forward with record profit and growth. The President recognizes the possibilities here to encourage a major shift in our national jobs priorities. In encouraging everyone to move from manufacturing and more traditional employment into the banking sector, we will ultimately sidestep the messy business of making things and instead move into a new era where we all just directly create wealth instead."

    Happy New Year!

    Comments

    I suppose it will be based upon the principle of residual income?

    A new milti-level marketing scheme.

    You convince your neighbors and friends, to join your network and ever dollar they invest, you’ll receive a commission from Goldman and Citi. 

    Now! why wouldn’t you be bullish on the American future, the more bull you spread, the more you make. 

    Convince your friends and family how great it’ll be, when they too, can get ivolved with as little as 2% of THEIR money,  in personal savings accounts.  

    Sign up today, get your downline started. 

    Don't badmouth the system; you can’t beat it, so join it.


    by Resistance1 (not verified) on Fri, 12/31/2010 - 10:08pm

    This sounds a lot like those chain letters in the 70's.


    by Richard Day on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 4:04pm

    AMWAY

    American Way


    by Resistance1 (not verified) on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 10:19pm

    Genius!!  I hereby announce the formation of the Smith National Bank and Trust. (Our motto: "You can trust a Smith because, well. just shut up and give me your money, okay?")  Smith; We're just like you, only there's more of us, see? So we can make more money for you than the Jones' bank. And because there are more of us, you can always find a Smith ATM, (conveniently located in every Smith household.)  Smith, the name you know for the money you love.  Apply now for a special fixed mortgage rate of   0.8% for all cousins (5th cousins not included), (Oh, it's fixed alright, just don't read the fine print, okay?)  Free toasters for people opening accounts that don't have a Smith in their family tree.  Member FDIC, ASCAP, SAG, AFTRA, DGA, LSMFT.


    by MrSmith1 on Fri, 12/31/2010 - 10:27pm

    Mmmmmm...I'm thinkin' he's gonna tell us we all have to 'share in the pain' of something or other....I don't have a head for numbers.  Can I join the Army and see the world instead?  I love sand...and guns...and tanks.  


    by we are stardust on Fri, 12/31/2010 - 10:57pm

    Join the Army? That's, like, so yesterday, stardust. Blackwater (Xe) and KBR are hiring, though, if you're truly interested. But why work at all? I've got a CDS here that will let you short the Army in favor of Blackwater. It's a pretty sure bet to pay off quite well. Contact my people in the Las Vegas office and we'll set you up. ;O)


    by SleepinJeezus on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 6:26am

    The thing is, I'm broke 'on accounta the economy' (as The Boss says...).  Think I can borrow through that famous discount Fed window to buy some of those swaps?  If I promise never to pay back the original loan if The Army goes bullish?


    by we are stardust on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 6:48am

    Tough choice, though; either:

     

    or:

    (Sorry; no embed codes enabled for this one...)  ;oP


    by we are stardust on Fri, 12/31/2010 - 11:45pm

    This is so clearly a lefties dream, SJ, that I wonder why it took this long to recognize that the financial sector is indeed where we belong. The following are just a few of the expected benefits found in that busy domain of American integrity and ingenuity:

    1. Already Socialized.  The gains are privatized and the losses are socialized.
    2. A Welfare Sector:  The welfare budget in this sector is much, much bigger than the one in the unemployed sector, which is really miniscule when you think about it. Even private jets are within reach when one is collecting welfare in the financial sector.
    3. Bipartisan. It is well represented in Congress on both sides of the aisle and within the White House. Not only that, its lobbyists are highly paid and well trained. No further effort needs to be expended in assuring the continuation of benefit number 2.

    Signed,

    Goldpeople, Sacks and Seashell


    by seashell on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 9:40pm

    That's the spirit! You've got it!

    Just have your people get in touch with my people, and we can arrange to shuffle some swaps back and forth this week and get on with the business of creating wealth. This is going to be great!

    What color is YOUR Lamborghini?


    by SleepinJeezus on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 10:16pm

    What color is YOUR Lamborghini?

    Which one?


    by seashell on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 10:47pm

    Neat guys drive Teslas.


    by Donal on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 10:51pm

    The gods at BP and Shell kinda frown on that sort of thing.

    Got anything that runs on clean coal? I mean more directly than that used in electricity generation? I hear the Koch Bros. are looking to eliminate the utility middle man wherever possible. Find me a car that runs on oil, natural gas, AND coal - in large quantities of each! - and I'll show you a terrific investment opportunity that seizes the opportunities presented in our post-modern reality.

    Better yet, I've just developed a CDS that shorts the color green, itself. And it's backed by AIG. Get in touch, and we'll fix you up. Wealth awaits those who will buy my paper!


    by SleepinJeezus on Sat, 01/01/2011 - 11:16pm

    Latest Comments