Cook ’em a free pizza and they will come.
Fighting back against the Obama Administration’s increased restrictions on unhealthy, high sodium and fatty foods in school cafeterias, Republicans this week proposed a bill to re-designate pizza sauce, ketchup and fries as “vegetables” and overturn the administration’s push for more whole grain and (actual) vegetable options in schools.
The administration’s argument is based on very simple logic: If you’re receiving government-subsidized meals, the government has the authority to require that those meals be healthy, but opponents of healthy foods see it differently.
“Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness begins during childhood,” one Republican lawmaker said in support of his party’s proposed legislation. “The government has no authority to take away my child’s right to have frozen pizza, grease-drenched freedom fries and fat-filled Twinkies for lunch!”
One politically savvy parent saw through what she called “the smoke and mirrors of the rightwing propaganda” by pointing out that the bill was largely written by lobbyists representing the salt, potato and frozen pizza industries.
“Republicans want to keep us fat and happy, but fewer adults today are able to live lifestyles that allow them to be fat and happy, and so the Teapublicans on Capitol Hill are courting future voters with government-subsidized junk food in an effort to win the hearts and minds – and potbellies – of the next generation of voters.”
“Strategically, it’s quite brilliant,” a D.C.-based political advisor observed. “They’re luring these kids into the back of the party van with snacks few children would turn down.”
Indeed, this part of the GOP’s multi-layered youth-mobilization efforts, which they’re calling “the Pizza Party,” aligns perfectly with the core tenets of traditional conservatism.
Just as Jesus was tempted by the devil, Republicans believe children too should be tested, if only to give them the opportunity to choose the righteous path. Whether they choose pizza and fries or salad and whole grain pasta, the consequences will teach them self responsibility.
“It’s a win-win for Republicans,” one strategist who brainstormed the “pizza party” legislation said. “If they indulge, they’ll be fat slobs who sit around drinking Budweiser as adults, and they’ll blindly vote the Republican ticket every election simple because Republicans stood up for their addictions. If they don’t pick the pizza, they’ll respect the Republican Party for promoting self-responsibility by giving them the ability to rise above.”
Critics of the GOP proposal say they’re not really giving an option to children, as the healthy choices will be eliminated. But supporters easily debunked this amateurish thinking: “They can eat just the pizza sauce – that’s a vegetable.”
This is only the beginning, Republicans warn. In the next several months, the party will continue to defund physical education classes and replace them with what they call “Constitution Courses,” which will enlighten students about the myths of global warming, biology and equality. And if Republicans win control of the Senate in 2013, they plan to impose new taxes on sports equipment, jump ropes, hula hoops, basketballs and backyard playground structures.
Pizza Party sources say revenue from these “freedom taxes” will be used to subsidize video game consoles and a cable TV voucher program for the millions of “virtually underprivileged” children in America.