Maiello: Defeat the Press
Miami Fans Mistakenly Chant "Let's Go Eat" During Playoff Game
His gaffes abroad, his blunders back home, his insistence on perpetuating every tiny little scandal by drawing the media’s attention to lazy swipes at his character, banal attacks on his work tenure, unsubstantiated allegations about his tax returns, and of course the animal rights activists’ never-ending eulogies of poor old Seamus…
These and other politically amateurish moves have made the campaign a celebrated affair for Democrats everywhere. For Republicans, though, it’s been a bit like watching Sarah Palin in a spelling bee, Dick Cheney at the shooting range, or Michelle Bachmann eating a corn dog: cringe-inducing.
What people don’t seem to understand is that, as he has attempted to demonstrate countless times throughout the campaign, Romney is better than you. Just as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, Romney see strategy where you see buffoonery.
Sure, he’s fallen in the polls to President Obama since officially securing the Republican nomination, and maybe that’s ironic, but Romney’s no political lout. He didn’t lose his bid for the U.S. Senate by one of the most embarrassing margins in Massachusetts history without picking up a few tricks along the way.
Just as his decision to build a beachfront mansion with a car elevator smack in the middle of his campaign, Romney’s choice of Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) as his running mate was a politically shrewd, deeply calculated decision.
In an age when everyone wants to be a millionaire, an “American Idol,” or, probably the best chance for most of America, a contestant on “Biggest Loser,” flaunting your wealth doesn’t make you “out of touch” with the American people; it makes you the only guy on the block with a car elevator.
In an effort to boost support among the overlooked and under-appreciated demographic of filthy rich, privileged, heterosexual white male voters—as well as the already heterosexual white male voters who long to achieve “filthy rich” status—Romney, a filthy rich, privileged, heterosexual white male, chose a fellow filthy rich, privileged, heterosexual white male as his running mate.
That was not a mistake. As a man of faith, you couldn’t expect him to pal around with a running mate whose skin was darkened by sin!
Conventional wisdom says a presidential candidate should pick a vice president who balances the ticket. Barack Obama, lacking foreign policy experience, and being black, chose six-term Senator Joe Biden (D-Del.), whose white-gummed smile and reassuring skin tone helped Obama secure votes from enough nervous Anglo voters to win the White House.
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.)—old, pale, penis-equipped, and as charismatic as a stuffed moose—chose as his running mate a young, rouge-cheeked soccer mom whose appeal among domineering housewives and emasculated husbands alike helped save McCain from having to take the blame for his embarrassing loss to a freshman senator hailing from the slums of Chicago.
And of course there’s George W. Bush, a born-again Christian, who chose as his running mate an actual demon.
But like his refusal to release a full 12 years of taxes, Romney knows the conventional wisdom (his own father set the standard in 1968)—he just chooses to ignore it.
For example, conventional wisdom says Romney can’t win the presidency if he loses Florida. Had he chosen Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) or Gov. Susana Martinez (R-N.M.) as his running mate, Romney might have convinced enough Floridian Hispanics to vote against their own social and economic interests, but Romney knows better.
Romney may be ignoring a powerful voting bloc in the Hispanic community, but by picking a filthy rich, privileged, heterosexual white male as his vice president he’s shoring up support among elderly white voters in Florida who will look at Romney and Ryan and say, “Now that’s a ticket I can support. Two filthy rich, privileged, heterosexual white males, just like the old days!”
In could be argued, and it will be here, that Romney’s selection of Ryan in fact did follow conventional wisdom, in several respects—just perhaps not conventional ones.
For example, Ryan has a widow’s peak. Romney? Not so much. Ryan has no offshore bank accounts. Romney has several. Ryan has lived in Wisconsin his entire life, in part because his was one of three families that founded the town of Janesville. Romney, in contrast, has lived in Michigan, France, Massachusetts, Utah, California and New Hampshire. Ryan is a stanch conservative, while Romney is a staunch conservative on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Friday. Ryan’s eyes are blue. Romney’s eyes, like his soul, are pitch black.
If these differences don’t balance the ticket, I don’t know what does. The two men couldn’t be more different.
Conspiracy theorist John O’Sullivan at the National Review made the case that putting Ryan, a Catholic, on the ticket will soften the blow to Catholics and Evangelicals, who, when they start paying attention to the election in about a month, will defecate in terror upon realizing that the Republican nominee is a Mormon.
It’s also been said that Ryan will invigorate the Tea Party base, which will be necessary if Romney hopes to break the 200-mark in Electoral College votes. While it’s true that the Tea Partiers already were the most invigorated voters in the country, now they’ll be even more invigorated. With Ryan on the ticket, the lunatic fringe will vote harder, louder, and more passionately than ever before!
As far as strategic grassroots campaigning goes, what better way to persuade independent and undecided voters to elect you president than to have a group of old, white Libertarian ideologues going door to door with their Confederate flags, 18th century superhero costumes, tri-corner hats, and grammatically, politically, and generally factually incorrect protest signs, traversing (probably only suburban) neighborhoods across the country, handing out copies of “Atlas Shrugged” like it’s candy, and bemoaning the rise of anti-colonial-, social-, Commun-, Marx-, Fasc- and every other –ism that Obama has rammed down the throats of our over-taxed, under-represented, ever-patriotic citizenry.
If you think about it from this perspective, as many do, Romney made the right choice. Ryan has his faults—like claiming to be a fiscal hawk after voting for two unfunded wars, the unfunded Medicare Part D program, and the unfunded tax cuts for millionaires while in Congress—but nobody’s perfect. At least he’s smart compassionate generous caring charismatic…white. And male. And rich.