OUR THANKSGIVING FEAST

After watching the Food Channel all last week (my porn site is out of commission once again! Some streaming problem.), I have come up with the perfect feast for our national feast day:

Bless us Our Lord:

TURKEY

1. GOOD EATS

According to the Good Eats guy, this is how we should prepare our birds:

Grab yourself a fourteen pound bird. Should you need anything more in the way of fowl in order to feed your obese relatives; grab two fourteen pound birds.

Never purchase some self basting (or is it basted?) bird because it will be filled with bad chemicals and such.

Always purchase your turkey in the frozen food section because of some principal related to entropy.

You are then supposed to take this giant Popsicle and put it in some strange water cycling tub (he somehow combines the worst of Radio Shack with the worst of your local hardware store and makes these contraptions that would scare the shit out of the likes of Nicholas Tesla) for six or seven hours.

It seems that if you decide to work with something bigger than a fourteen pound bird, cooking will be too difficult!

Now I am not going to get into specifics here but this moron favors flat birds. He wishes for perfection with regard to having nice juicy meat from the fowl.

So he takes out the Turkey backs and flattens out the bird.

Basically, the final dish looks like someone found the turkey illustrated in the Rockwell painting, put it on the floor, and pounded it with a sledge hammer!

I am not even going to describe the chef's suggestion that your defrosted turkey should be put into some plastic container filled with salt brine for four days while it sits in your walk-in fridge!

I swear the damn thing would taste like a fourteen pound slab of bacon.

It will eventually look like road-kill anyway (after it is properly flattened); so making it taste like bacon should not further spoil the meal anyway.

For these Thine gifts

2. PAULA DEEN

Basically, you just go to the back yard of your Southern Plantation Mansion fully equipped with a double barrel shot gun and drill some big breasted 'wild' turkey weighing between thirty and forty pounds.

Well you don't actually do this. Your 'hired help' does this as your 'hired help' will fortunately gut and de-feather the bastard prior to presentment to the chef.

Fresh is the best as always.

Now grab three pounds of butter.

I mean with Paula, it is always best if you simply grab three pounds of butter and let it sit on your kitchen counter for three hours or so prior to viewing her show no matter what dish is being presented.

Okay, now you take this fresh bird and begin separating the skin of the bird from the flesh. (I think I could put together a horror film starring Ms. Deen, but that is another subject for another day!)

Following this semi turkey skinning—somehow the skin stays on the bird but is really no longer part of the bird, per se—you start manipulating the butter in your hands. I should add that you have already added fourteen herbs and spices into the butter mixture prior to this manipulation.

Then you start shoving this dairy paste in between the skin and the flesh of the bird.

Following this butter cramming, take the rest of the butter mixture and rub it all over the bird. Just pretend you are a fourteen year old boy rubbing one out; as they say.

Oh and it is perfectly fine to moan aloud and giggle a lot whilst you perform this butter ritual on your deceased fowl.

The bird is then put into a roasting pan that looks like it was extracted from some WWI army tank.

Then you stick the pan into your 100 cubic foot oven set at 325 degrees. It should be cooked thru in about 24 hours.

Now my mumsy would have covered the turkey in part of some old sheet—I think she just took the cloth from our home-made Halloween costumes. But the sheet thing and basting is kind of passe I guess.

I should add that you will need at least ten more pounds of butter; a gallon of heavy cream, two pounds of cream cheese and a live in cow—just in case.

These ingredients will be necessary for proper preparation of whipped potatoes, turkey gravy, green bean casserole, cranberry fiasco (why anyone needs butter in cranberry sauce is beyond me but what the hell go with Deen's flow), sweet corn dish, stuffing, pecan pie, peach pie, key lime pie....

Oh, and it might be a good idea to present all these dishes in a Southern Mansion with at least 14 bathrooms—for obvious reasons.

Which we are about to receive:

SIDE DISHES

3.THE CHUBBY COUPLE

There is this cute chubby couple that presents a series of dishes most mornings on the Food Channel.

They kind of giggle and nudge and spank each other throughout their presentations.

Nice people really.

Casserole Dish

Take a pound of bacon and spread it out in a frying pan that takes up at least two burners on a normal stove. Put it on low and let it 'render'.

In the meantime, blanch some green beans in heavily salted water (I mean what other kind of water are you boiling on the Food Channel?).

Following the blanching, grab a big ole casserole dish and put the drained beans in the dish.

Grab a three pound can of Cambell's Mushroom Soup and put it over the beans.

Now take the rendered bacon and toss that into the mixture.

Finally take the bacon fat left over in the frying pan and dump it over the side dish just prior to putting it into the oven at 325.

From Thy Bounty

4. THE SPIKED WHITE HAIRED SIBLINGS

There are these two spiked white haired siblings (same dad and different moms if I recall) are really interesting to watch.

The brother does a cooking show but he also presents this diner travelogue and it is kind of fun to watch. I have to admit I have incorporated an awful lot of diner techniques into my home cooking fare.

The sister just does a normal cooking show. She has a fridge that takes up an entire wall!

I am watching her cook some side dishes right now as I write.

Take two pounds of fresh sausage links. The kind that are still pale and carry more germs than your dog after falling into your outhouse.

Boil the sausage links in boiling salted water (what other kind of water?).

Cut up a bunch of veggies like carrots and celery and kale and onions and garlic (I kind of forgot, onions and garlic go into every single dish prepared on the Food Channel except for Key Lime Pie I think) and five or six other veggies I never heard of. You take this mixture and put them into salted boiling water.

While this is all going on you have cut up day old french bread into slices; slathered them in butter and put them on a cookie sheet that has been shoved into an oven at 325.

You then drain the sausage and the veggies and mix them all into one huge dish together with the french bread that you have cubed following their exit from the oven.

I have the sound off, but I assume that prior to putting this mess into the casserole dish and then into the oven; that you add some turkey drippings.

Through Christ Our Lord Amen!

Now, if you have read anything about nutrition, anything about heart disease, anything about diabetes, anything about obesity....

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHY PRAYER IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF A MEAL!

Almost any meal prepared as demonstrated on the Food Channel, may we be your last supper!

I guess, every Thanksgiving Day, we are just attempting to find our way home!